Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....

Meeting single men, dating? porn? When to ask...is it a deal breaker?

I must confess...'creepin on guys' (as my daughter calls it) has been fun now for a couple of weeks. But...the whole relationship issues are stirring up all kinds of stuff...

Ok..so I was having fun messaging a guy that really wasn't ready for anything more than friends...that was nice. I can handle that...then he makes me his 'favorite'. I still am not sure what that means...and then he changes his profile and says 'the water is too cold'. Well...what are you doing making me a favorite?

Ok...another thing I am noticing...guys don't seem to answer half the questions you ask them...what is up with that?  Isn't the point to get to know people? Aren't you on the website because you want to 'get to know people'?  Well...how the heck are you going to get to know them if you don't TALK to them?  Seriously, how will you know?

So...I email the guy and make sure I haven't given him the wrong impressions...I panic for a day or so...you see, I had talked about pron...then it occurs to me that maybe HE has porn issues...and now he is mad...and then my mind just spins off from there...

But I think about the fact that if he does have porn issues...is that a deal breaker?

So...my first reaction is YES!  No way in hell will I live with someone that cannot connect with me emotionally...that will cheat on me in their mind...I will not relive what I just got out of!

Then...I think...how many guys will that eliminate from my options?  Is that a bad thing? What if they have truly gone through the repentance process? I have seen those video clips that the couples sit there holding hands and talking about how they never thought they would make it...but they stuck together and now their relationship has depth they never imagined...

That, of course, makes me think I was such a failure in my marriage...that I gave up. I was the one that walked away. But I think the difference is that those videos have men that were willing to admit their problem and 'work' towards overcoming it...I don't think my X was even close to that. I keep thinking of him yelling at me in the car...asking why I would leave him...telling me, "I have never cheated on you with a man or a woman, well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count."  That doesn't sound like someone that is repentant and trying to change...you know?

Anyway...back to dating...

Wow...I have come full circle...I wrote down about 3 months ago that I would never allow a man to touch me intimately again...and here I am...stressing about wanting a relationship with a guy I have only seen pictures of and read a profile. To make it worse, I don't even know if it is true. Combine this with the many spiritual and uplifting experiences I have had over the past month or so and it pretty much screams to me...I need to pursue the idea of finding a man...

Then...I get thinking about the fact that there are so many women out there that are single...smart, beautiful, incredible women...what makes me think that someone as damaged as me has a chance?

Then I start thinking about how damaged I am...

I ponder what really went wrong in my marriage...my abuse issues...

Sigh...I think that might be a whole new post...

And to think .....I WANTED to come to earth to experience all these emotions and have all these 'mortal experiences'....wow...must be some kind of greater good at work..that is for sure...

Co Parenting Counseling and the Jerry Springer Show

Ok...
I am sure it is pretty obvious by now that I struggle having any kind of communication with my X.  I will assume that the people reading my blog are fairly intelligent and 'get that'....hope I didn't offend anyone :)

Anyway...after the mediator says our kids/family is being divided by the actions of my X and I and the 'parenting plan' (visitation, etc.) is not in the best interest of the children the judge says we need 'co parenting' counseling....sigh...

I start checking around for someone to do it...and I get one guy to call me back and he says..."I have to confess...if you hadn't mentioned who referred you to me I would not have called you back...no counselor likes to do 'co parenting counseling'." He then asked if I have ever seen the Jerry Springer Show...he mentions that the concept of having 2 people that can't stand each other to work through sharing kids is a nightmare that no counselor wants.  As he put it in that perspective, I could understand his point.

Now...gotta say...my counselor friend tells me there is an actual 'co parenting protocol' that her county uses and they actually have a list of issues they go through..how to communicate...switch kids etc...but I don't know of that in the county where I live...so...I am back to counselors...

Well...my X mentions that the counselor we went to for 'marriage counseling' might do it.  I, of course, was struggling with insurance issues and trying to find an LDS counselor and someone that worked during the hours I was off...and someone that I would like...all very difficult to do...so when my X suggested our old counselor I 'jumped on the idea'.  After all, our marriage counselor 'totally got me' and 'had my back' why would I not want to go back to him...

So...fast forward to sitting with our marriage counselor...my X starts complaining about the same old stuff...most of it is stuff that happened at the very beginning of our separation...as I am sitting there it occurs to me...he has so NOT MOVED ON! He is worried about who to blame...I won't let the kids see him...I schedule activities so they don't want to see him...I over schedule and involved them in extra activities...like teenagers in a 2 parent household would stay home every weekend and sit around playing video games with their dad?

I starting seeing that the counselor 'gets it' and I don't have to respond or defend everything my X said...that was a nice feeling...I still need to support how I feel, but I didn't feel the 'desperate need to protect myself'. I am hoping that is progress?

So...we survive our first session of 'co parenting counseling' and then on to getting my son some counseling.

This is the counselor that referenced the Jerry Springer Show...well..that is pretty much what it turned into...

I couldn't believe it..he finally asked my son to wait outside while he talked to my X and I.  My X said all kinds of crazy things...everything from...'she is using counseling to blame me for the divorce' to 'I have family that has dealt with divorce and counseling screwed up their kids' to 'I like counseling but they don't need it...they are normal teenagers and counseling won't change the fact that their parents are divorced' to 'if we take the kids to counseling they will think they have a problem'. I was impressed with the counselor..he weathered it well...and I gotta confess...reminded me of 'The Jerry Springer Show' and when the guests would be saying the most ludicrous things...and arguing over the most stupid issues...I am glad there was not a video camera...I will say I didn't feel on the 'defense' like I have in the past...the need to 'protect my image' or 'justify my actions' and I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut...so maybe I am progressing...

I will say that my knowledge of 'counseling buzz words' was beneficial...I felt I could explain why I wanted my son in counseling and what I hoped he would get out of it...

Why do I want my kids in counseling?  Well...I get that some counselors just cause issues...and are trying to pay their 'mortgage' and perhaps will continue to see people as long as the person is willing to come and not make plans...others truly want to 'help' those that have more 'drama/trauma' then they can handle...the best thing I have learned in counseling?  How to separate what I can change and 'rethink' how to deal with what I can't change...that part of it has been a huge help...so...do I want my kids to have that knowledge and ability?  Heck ya!  Do I feel that my kids have had more than a 'normal share' of drama/trauma?  Yes!  Do they deserve to have the best shot possible at 'healing'?  Yes!  So...do I support counseling?  Yes I do.  Even if I don't like it some days :)

So...my son's first counseling session didn't work out as we hoped...but he will get another one next week. My son did ask me if we (my X and I) were going to be in there during his session...I told him no...he was obviously relieved...

Well...if anyone else out there has any suggestions on how to better survive all the 'together time' and counseling...feel free to let me know...

Kids deserve the opportunity to learn how to 'deal' and more importantly 'heal' from the challenges that are put in their path...if we as parents don't have those skills or tools...I feel we need to find a way for our children to learn them from others...but that is just my opinion...

If I wanted to see you I would have stayed married!

Ok...can you just say 'X' overload?
I see him at my son's sports games...I see him at my daughter's musical performance...I see him at co-parenting counseling (yeah...that is a couple of blogs in itself) I see him at my son's counseling...oh, and get this...he is trying to tell the counselor that the kids don't need counseling because it won't change the fact that we divorced and will make them think they have problems...

I have told the kids so many times...things have happened that affect them that are not their fault...it makes sense that they will get angry and frustrated...counseling will help to separate what you can change and deal better with what you 'can't change'. The whole session was basically my son in the waiting room and my X and I fighting over the kids getting counseling...what a mess...

It is sad that he is driving his kids away and he keeps blaming me...I don't have to do anything...then to have him say that I don't want my kids to have a dad...He has no idea how badly I want a good father for my children...

My older daughter mentioned that her counselor asked her if she was afraid that she wouldn't get married to a good person because of our divorce...she said that she had never thought that way...she feels that she will get an even better husband because of what she is seeing and learning...I started to wonder if that is not the normal response from a child of divorce?  I think I feel good about that fact that she feels that way...I am thinking it is a good thing...

I remember my counselor asking me if I was thinking about dating...I said, NO WAY I can barely handle my own life...let alone the addition of someone else...then she says..well...most people take about a year...I tell her I have been separated for over 2 and then she says, "Well, in your case..more than 2?"  Gotta say...don't know if that is good or not...

I think it is good I am not lonely...I don't feel that there is a 'hole' that needs to be filled...maybe some day...but definitely not right now...

I do wonder why he isn't dating...I wonder if he still wonders if we will get back together or not...

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I was sorry for the baggage my abuse brought to our relationship...and it totally caught him off guard...he has tried harder to smile at me when I see him...I sure hope he didn't take my apology as an interest in 'making up' No way in HELL!  Just gotta say...

And to be honest...I am not good for him either...I am not able to love and support him the way he deserves...and everyone deserves to be loved...I try to remember that...some days I do...

I will say that when we were in counseling yesterday arguing about our son getting counseling... I held it together better...flashbacks of marriage counseling...I found I did not feel as much need to 'defend' myself...I didn't react as much as I have in the past...and I feel better about that...I saw more what a HUGE cavern exists between us...how low he has gone and much better I feel about myself...that was nice to ponder...If I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'. I am better able to see how people see him...less need to defend myself...nice...

Divorce and Ex Inlaws

Ok...
I am not too sure how I feel about the whole...ex in law concept. The other day my kids' cousin (on their father's side) was getting baptized. I wanted the kids to go...I know family support is important at things like this. At the last minute my son said that I was welcome to go also...first off...I hate being an 'after thought' and second...I think most of his family blames me for 'destroying' my X. My X has not taken any responsibility for our divorce and my girls told me the summer after we separated they were at his mother's home and she asked them..."Has your mother said anything as to why she is doing this?" Now my girls are smarter than the average kid and they knew the major issues and were smart enough not to say anything...but they have asked me several times since then..."How much do you think grandma knows?  Should we tell her?" What a mess to put your kid in, right?  My X can't get mad at me for that...he told my girls, "I had a porn problem and your mom won't forgive me" he thought they would feel sorry for him...but it just alienated them more...sad...

So...last year when my oldest graduated from high school we had a 'family gathering' and I invited my X's family. It was a little awkward...but we all survived...one of his sister's in law showed up later and was soooo sweet and kind to me. I mentioned to her, "Thank you so much for being so kind and caring about me." She responded, "I love you...what happened between you and your husband is between you two...I will always care about you." It just warmed my heart...and I know she really meant what she said. I later was talking to a friend about it and she said that I can't keep up relations with my X inlaws...that my X will take it as an attack on him...think I am trying to get his family to side with me...he will resent me even more...sigh...

I guess I can see what she was saying...but then I see some of the wives be so supportive to my kids and ask about me...it just makes me wonder...because I don't have enough guilt in my life...

So...divorce and ex-in-laws...I guess technically I am no longer related...but does relation always need to exist to care about someone?

I think I'll need to ponder this one for awhile...

PTSD and the Dentist

So...here I am thinking so much about my abuse as a child...thinking about how I could just lay there and let my abuser do what he did...wondering how I was able to keep it a secret from my parents (till the day they died) and how scared I was...wondering how much I have blocked out (I can't remember how my abuse started - in fact the experiences I do remember basically start in the middle of the abuse)...and I go to the dentist...

As I lay there...I began to think...not too many people enjoy going to the dentist...I know for me...I have been fortunate enough to have dear friends for a dentist for most of my life. So I don't have the 'negative' feelings that some people have when they go...I also had braces as a child...I remember I was often complimented on my ability to just sit there while I had my braces adjusted...I often would simply read a book (holding the book around the doctor's hands so I could see) it didn't seem that big of a deal...

Then today...I wondered if the skill I was using to sit in both the dentist chair and the orthodontist chair (and I'll admit...when I go to the gynecologist) was one I developed while being abused.  They are all situations where someone is 'doing something to you' that is not 'pleasant' and the better you can 'sit still' the easier and faster it goes. I sat in the hygienist's chair today and let my mind wander...and I began to feel my body tense up...the lack of focus on the 'scrapping'...and wondered again...what happened to me that I had to develop this deep of a coping skill to survive? As I lay there today...I thought..maybe I should shut my eyes to better focus and try to process what I was thinking...then I realized that with my eyes closed I didn't know (see) what the hygienist was doing and that just triggered too many 'control and trust' issues..so I gave up on that idea...

I will confess there were many times in my marriage while being intimate I would 'let my mind wander' because I didn't want to say anything to my X. Sometimes he would 'trigger' my fear of sexual energy and I knew if I said anything or shut down he would back off and not give me any attention...and I guess I rationalized that some attention is better than nothing. Either that or I was afraid to have him mad at me..I don't do very well with anger either...sometimes I wonder what I can deal with...after all... I don't deal very well with rejection. I think that is another indicator that we (my X and I) didn't have a very good communicative relationship...and perhaps that is a key to my abuse...or maybe how it started.  My family didn't 'neglect me' they just all had lives and interests...I was the youngest and I remember always wanting to 'be accepted' by them. Maybe I was so desperate for attention...I was willing to put up with the abuse rather than feel alone. I just looked back at this last line I wrote...and think how crazy it is...but it is still what I think sometimes...

But that puts me in the 'blame' mode...and I wonder...seriously...could a 6 or 7 year old girl be able to make that kind of decision? I work at a school and often work with younger students...when I was first beginning to process my abuse I was testing younger kids...I saw the fear in their eyes...being told there were going to take a 'test' with a stranger...leave their classroom and teacher and go off with a stranger..I saw the teacher try to talk them into coming with me..telling them if would be fun...as I looked in the faces of those 5 and 6 year olds that were scared to come with me I thought...how could anyone force someone so young...to do anything even close to what was done to me? As I would talk to them, and joke with them most of them relaxed...and even smiled...I would see their desire to 'please' and 'do it right'..their eyes were so innocent and afraid..I just wanted to hug them and tell them that I would make sure no one ever hurt them...I thought of the time I was locked in the closet at his house and my brother came over to play with his brother and my abuser left me in the closet, naked with string wrapped all around me to hold the things that he had put inside of me....and I wondered.. How could I have been a willing participant?  How could I have not been terrified? How could I/can I blame myself for what happened...I was so young...so innocent...so unaware...I lived in a home full of boys/men...but none that would tell me to do something that was wrong...how was I supposed to stand up to anyone?

I have a dear friend that was also abused and she struggled to deal with it after she was married...she talked about how her husband 'stuck by her' and together they were able to work through it. Sometimes it makes me feel angry that my X didn't try to help me 'deal' with it.  But then...I didn't really help him deal with his issues either...this is when I tell myself that I wasn't participating in an inappropriate behavior during our marriage...so that should 'excuse' me from the sin...right? The issues my X and I had were all his fault, right?  My issues 'happened' to me...his issues were his choice, right?  Or were they?  Were mine?

Monday 3/11/2013
I went to the eye doctor today...after thinking about this post...it was weird...I almost 'freaked out' at the 'eye puff' thing that checks for glaucoma...I sat there telling myself..."Don't let him touch you" and then I would tell myself I was making a big deal out of nothing...then he would have to get close to me (I have long legs) and reach over to his machine and I was surprised how much it was bothering me...I know that he was not doing anything wrong...it was just me stressing...it would be nice if I could get all this stuff to become a memory I didn't have to think about...or react to...maybe that is what is hard...getting the memory 'put away' but still being aware it is there...sigh....