Guess what? I still have baggage. Sigh.

So I have been married for several years now. Our kids are mostly on their own and functioning decently well. COVID obviously did a number on us as well as the rest of the world.

I have had a lot of changes in the past few years and I am sorry to say that I still have baggage.

I am overly sensitive to feeling controlled.

I have lost a brother now and I think I am experiencing more 'abandonment issues' than I realized lately.

Man, it just seems that the world has become a hot mess, ya know?

It just seems so hard to maintain healthy and positive self-esteem in today's world.

I decided that I need to get back to writing in my 'glad journal' and keep trying to focus on the many wonderful things that I have in this life.

I had blocked my blog for a bit - but I decided to make it public again. Maybe it will help me to know that I am not alone in my struggles.

If you are struggling out there - know that you are not alone.

Remember that you are stronger than you think you are.

Remind yourself that you matter to more people than you realize.

Be kind to yourself!

Coordination, coughing, peeing, physical therapy, sexual arousal and not giving up!

So...I was pretty sick last Spring and I ended up wearing a pad for a couple of weeks because every time I coughed I would leak...sigh...growing old is not for wimps.

I finally went to the urologist and they said I could try physical therapy or consider surgery to support my bladder in a way that would help me not 'pee' everytime I cough or laugh. I heard through a friend that it might be worth my while to try physical therapy...so I figured I would give it a shot.

Well...the first time it was kinda weird..but then what did I expect? The therapist is a nice 30 something woman that has a wonderful bedside manner. We talked about strengthening the muscles in my 'pelvic floor' and she even had a model to show me. Then she gave me some exercises to help me find the muscles and strengthen them. It was kinda weird at first because I just feel so disconnected from my female organs...It seems I just can't feel everything that I should. I warned her that I was sexually abuse when I was young and I might cry and to not worry about it - I just need to process and deal with it. She just smiled and was encouraging.

So...as I worked on it for the first week - I could tell a difference. It does make it easier to keep trying since I feel like it is making a difference. The therapist said that I could benefit in a lot of ways from continuing the exercises so I will continue. She said it would help to stabilize my hips and abdomen and more

The second visit was a little more interesting...she had a ball that she wanted me to push against. She said it would help me to isolate the muscles that are used to control your bladder and pelvic floor. The crazy thing is it is basically one of the positions that I have used during intercourse to help me feel and enjoy intercourse. How is that for weird?  I remember my husband asking me why I was doing it and I told him that it just felt like I was supposed to be doing something and it felt like it was helping.  Apparently it was...lol.

I asked the therapist if she had a lot of patients that had been abused. She said over half that she was aware of, they often didn't say anything right away but it would come out after a couple of sessions. Other clients just had lots of kids..yeah...motherhood - the side they never tell you about until it is too late.

My husband was surprised that I am able to talk so intimately about sex with my therapist. I told him that I have to get in a 'medical' frame of mind when I go in and just make it all very clinical. I told him I do it because I want to get better.

When I do the exercises it is crazy how simple it seems at the office, yet when I get home I have to seriously focus to do it correctly. I wonder sometimes how much is physical and how much is mental. The therapist keeps telling me that it is a simple matter of coordination and with repetition it will feel natural and normal. I hope so - although I am beginning to think that no one is normal..lol.

So...why am I writing about this?  Because I hope that someone else that has had a past that has left them damage can find hope and know that you can change your life. If you would have asked me 8 years ago that if I keep trying to move forward that I would be with a man that loves me and loves to be with me intimately. That sex would be something that continues to just get better and better. That I can feel myself allowing my body to relax and enjoy sex more and more. That I would be with a man that wants to dream with me and take care of me. That I would be able to be strong enough to let go of some of the hatred and anger I had towards my X...not all..yet...but definite progress.

Don't ever underestimate the power of your mind. Recognize that sometimes horrible things happen to people. Sometimes people do ugly things to other people that will leave scars that may seem insurmountable...but the power of the human mind and spirit is not to be underestimated.

You are of worth. You matter. You can get your life back.
Your mind has a power that will amaze you if you find your trust in God and let Him help you to forgive. Allow yourself to rid your soul of blame and forgive those that have hurt you. That doesn't mean that you have to forget or let them continue hurting you...just don't let that hurt and anger eat you up inside. It is not worth it - to lose your life because of the mistakes of others.

I know that God lives.
I know that I am standing here a better woman than I was before I began my journey of healing. I don't wish my past on anyone...but I am who I am because I am overcoming the trials of this life.

Don't ever give up on you.
You matter more than you know.
Trust me on that.

Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?

What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.

I am comfortable in my own skin...it is a good thing.

I have been reflecting on the fact that the last few months have felt pretty good to me. I am surviving the challenges of my X and my kids aren't driving me crazy...it is a good thing. :)

My X got a gym membership and all my kids are now members...I decided to join (a friend pointed out that it would help me to stay close to my boys) and I think it is a good thing. What has been interesting is that I have never been a 'gym goer'. I am not opposed to exercise...In fact I quite enjoy walking and such. But to sit and 'do exercises' has never been a big dream.

Well...that is changing. It is almost weird. I have enjoyed working out. I really enjoy it when I can go with my daughter and we talk and chat about how it makes us feel good. She talks about how she just wants to feel better about herself. I have to laugh sometimes when she will encourage me, telling me that 'you can go farther than you mind thinks you can mom...just distract yourself'. Then we both laugh at how we need more than an hour to do all the exercises that we need to do.

It dawned on me the other day while doing a 'hand bicycle' type exercise that I was enjoying the feeling of my body. It was kind of surprising....I was enjoying the feel of my muscles stretching and working. I was enjoying the strength I was beginning to feel and the power inside of me. It is a good feeling. I keep thinking about how my counselor friend told me that if I truly 'healed' I would be comfortable in my own skin and be able to 'stand tall and breathe' and I guess that is what I am feeling.

The other up side to it is that I can sit and listen to the scriptures or conference talks. Did you know that on the 'LDS Gospel Library' app you can search under 'institute' and find the CES firesides?  They are truly incredible. I will confess that I am not 'super attentive' to what I am listening, but I sure love the feeling it gives me and that makes me happy.

I am still dating 'movie dude'. I am not sure where it is going to go, and that is ok. I do not have to know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that it feels good to be around and with him. Maybe I am just to help him become a little stronger in the church? I don't know...But I am going to just follow the path that is ahead of me until I feel different.

I did warn him...'hooking up with me' is not going to be an easy road. I know that I will always have challenges in my life...getting married is not going to stop that. PLUS I have a 'psycho X' and 5 kids. He really needs to think about it...

I think the biggest improvement I can see for me is that I am 'calm' and feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. I know the Lord is there for me and will always be there for me. If I can't feel Him, than I need to move closer. I don't think I have ever felt this centered in my life...it is a good feeling and I want to keep it...forever...

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Feelings, connections, relationships - moving or just hanging out...

I am still dating movie dude and I enjoy his company quite a bit. It is really fascinating how my feelings are evolving. I love just talking to him and hanging out. It is ok if we talk and if we don't. (This is progress for me since I am often one of those people that become uncomfortable if there is silence - unless I know the person really well). We have gone to movies, basketball games, and last night we went to a play. I feel that he will 'look out' for me and take care of me and treat me with respect and try to do anything that will make me happy.

So what is wrong with this picture you ask? I'm not really sure. I do know that I am not going to figure out if I want to commit to a relationship 'over night'. So I am not sure if I need to know right now.

I was reading the blog of a friend and she had some interesting insight...Why are you proposing to me? She talked about relationships and the need to feel a decision should be made within a few dates on whether a man should be part of your life for 24/7. She made a great visual of the concept 'exploration' then decide between two options..no thanks or keep going...'more exploration'...no thanks or keep going...

I like the idea that just deciding to explore the relationship doesn't mean that you should get engaged, it means you need to 'explore some more'. So as I am thinking about this...I don't know if there is a future with 'movie dude'. I do know it is so very good for me to be around a man that is so respectful and kind. I like the way he opens doors and helps me on with my coat, he is always very attentive to me and what I am doing and willing to help with anything I might need. A girl could get used to that, you know?

Now I need to think about how I feel about him. Am I still hung up on intimacy? Unfortunately I think the answer is yes. We have kissed some and I am trying to stay 'present' and 'feel' when he is close. I think about if I need to worry about 'going too far' and I really don't think I do. I have no interest in having more serious physical relations right now. I feel like when we are kissing it is just a nice place to be. I tend to 'lead' and I am trying to stop doing that. I realize it is control issues and I need to be comfortable letting him come to me and not being afraid of him or anything that he might do.

He is a true boy scout so I don't think I have to worry to much about him doing anything inappropriate and I am so grateful for that. I do feel that I can trust him. But I also should not be stupid. I realize that 'playing with intimacy' is a stupid thing to do. So what am I doing? I don't know...I just know that I enjoy his company and I feel good knowing he cares about me. I was talking to my daughter about the power of men over women. I told her I feel that I am more attractive because I know a man cares about me and that 'thought' is irritating. She agreed and understood exactly what I meant. We discussed that was the reason that the Lord has said how evil it is for men to use unrighteous dominion over women and children. D&C 121:19-22 

I remember being in the marriage counselor's office...I was an emotional mess and I was shaking and quivering and my ex was getting mad at the counselor (I had told the counselor I was done - I wanted a divorce and I needed him to help me tell me ex) my ex was telling him that he was supposed to be helping us stay together not break us apart. The counselor looked at me and then my ex and said, "No woman that has been properly cared for would ever be in the emotional state your wife is in." That ended the conversation....


I feel confident that the Lord has a marriage to a good man in my future...I just need to walk the path until I find it. I think that I will be hurt. I think that I will have to 'put myself out there'. I will have to 'take a chance' and I will have to open up my heart. But I do feel that if I am willing to do all those things...I will be in a position to truly love someone...and even better...he will love me.

And maybe that is why it can be such a wonderful and beautiful thing when a man does love and respect women and especially his wife.

Dating, Love, Marriage...where am I now?

Ok...I've been dating movie dude for about 4 months. I enjoy his company, he spoils me (as far as taking me out to nice restaurants, opening doors, helping me on with my coat, etc.) and I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy his company. I do think it would be very hard for him to marry someone with children because he has been single for so long. He has made a very nice life for himself and is busy and happy for the most part. So....we are dating and enjoying the companionship of each other...I guess that is good, right?

So where am I in all of this?  For one, I am better understanding how big a change it would be to me and my kids if I remarried. If I brought a man into my house to be with me and my kids, it would take a lot for everyone to work together and get along....sigh...this is certainly not where I was last summer when I was dreaming of getting together with my online guy...I am hoping it is because I am better understanding what it all means and not chickening out.

I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I am grateful for that. I think I am still messed up as far as feeling and desires to be intimate and being comfortable being intimate. I think I slide too quickly into 'me controlling the intimacy' and not being able to just 'relax' and let someone 'come to me' if that makes sense. I don't know what I can do about that but just continue to be aware and try to relax more. I think I focus on what I am doing and tune out if I am being touched or kissed. I have wondered if I need to talk to a counselor about it, but I don't think that will help. I am really coming to the conclusion that I just need to find that someone that loves me and I can trust completely and together we will figure it out. I really hope that is the case because I am tired of thinking I am screwed up and need to see a counselor again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with counseling...believe me..I have certainly had my share...I just want to feel that I am learning to better deal with all my stuff and that I can handle things.

I will say that movie dude is hesitant to share personal information and I am realizing what an impact that has on how quickly the relationship progresses. That has been interesting for me to understand. He will ask me questions sometimes...like.."Have you dated other men from online?" and then he will say, "You don't have to answer that." and I realize that I don't have to answer that. And it is nice that I am able to do that. I am wondering if that is part of me overcoming the 'victim' mentality that thinks I have to do everything people tell me. So it is empowering to me to know that I don't have to, and sometimes I don't. I am not lying and I am not being dishonest. I am just learning that I don't have to do something just because someone asks or tells me to.  I am thinking that is nice...

So..where am I now?  I guess I am exactly where I want to be...and I think that is a good thing!

Friends...committed relationship...what's in between?

Ok...I am still dating movie dude...and I enjoy his company. He was very hurt by his first marriage many years ago and will barely talk about it. He did say that he doesn't ever want to hurt like that again and so he just 'nips things in the bud' before they can get serious. As a result, he tells me almost every time we go out..."Feel free to keep looking." or "I don't want to stop you from reaching your goal." or "I know you need a spiritual partner to go to the Temple with." or the best one..."I don't mind if you go out with other guys, I trust you." Sigh....

I have been thinking...there must be a purpose for him to be in my life. A reason that 'God put him in my way'...Anyone seen the movie The Four Feathers with Heath Ledger? I love a line from that movie, the main character is being helped by an unlikely friend and is asked why? The friend's response is, "God put you in my way!" I think about that a lot when I think about the men that have come into my life. I truly feel that 'God put them in my way' ...or as in the case of my 'Online Guy' maybe God put me in his way?

I think the purpose of movie dude is to help me understand what exists between a friendship with a man and a committed relationship. I don't have much experience in that area...and I am finding it refreshing. We enjoy each others company yet we are not limited to only interacting with each other. I know he isn't going out with anyone else right now...but it is interesting to think that it is an option. I am trying to process how this affects my emotional connection. Or if there is an emotional connection yet? I feel that I do not need to 'tell him everything' that I am doing. I am not 'obligated to confess' if I talk to another man. It is a very different experience. I do have to confess that I have a completely different perspective on the kids that 'dated around' when I was in high school and I am seeing the wisdom of that concept.

So I am looking forward to better understanding 'the in between' relationship. The ability to care about someone and not have it consume me. The ability to express affection without it meaning I am not 'shackled' to someone.Don't get me wrong, I would not feel this way if I was in a committed relationship, that is a different story. But I think it is a good place for me...a place for me to better understand my emotions and feelings.

Sigh...I am so not ready to get married....besides...if I wait another year and a half...I will have 3 kids over 18 and that will have a huge impact on the drama of my life...and I am thinking I need to start a marriage with as little drama as possible. I don't care how committed we are to each other...we need to be able to nurture the good...and have time to really bond and get to know each other. I think they call that...'Setting yourself up for Success!' That is what I want to do...I want my final relationship to succeed!

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

Emotional Connections and Arousal...I guess they both matter?

I have been pondering the whole 'Am I aroused?' 'What is arousal?' 'Should I be aroused and I am not?' etc....

I even talked to my online guy about it.(note to self...don't share this blog with a potential boyfriend again) because he knows about this blog and of course after I talked to him he read all the things I have written. Sigh...it's not that it matters...I am going to keep writing what I feel...there is some healing that happens when I write what I am feeling. The process of putting my emotions and feelings into words that I can 'see' on a page helps me process. I don't know why it works, I just know that it does. And if by some chance, it helps someone else out there in the world..so much better!

Sexual arousal...man I wish I understood it better. I had a rather interesting conversation (messaging) with my online guy about it. I talked about arousal and kissing and not being aroused and knowing that I probably should be aroused and how come I wasn't. He asked me if I was aroused when I was kissing him. Good question...I think I was...but I am not sure...I was so full of anxiety and stress I was lucky I could feel anything. I remember just being amazed that I wasn't freaking out and I was relaxed around him. That started me thinking about if the arousal was different and if so, why? I really don't think I was able to feel much when I was with my online guy because my brain was so full of 'he won't hurt me...it's alright...just kiss him...breathe...it's ok if he touches you...you might enjoy it...he isn't pressuring you, etc.'. I think about the kind of energy I was picking up from him and I don't think I was getting much of anything. Part way through he made the comment, "if we weren't members of the church we'd be half naked in the back seat". I think about that sometimes and wonder how come I didn't feel any anxiety with him. I didn't sense that he wanted more or even wanted me. I felt that he was just trying to 'help' me and he knew I wanted to 'make out' and see if I could do it before I gave myself an ulcer over the anxiety. I wonder if he was suppressing feelings because he thought I would freak out if I picked up on it. Which I might have...I don't know.

Then I think about my 'make out' guy. I remember feeling some control with him that was different. I could tell that he 'wanted' to be with me and wanted whatever I was willing to give. I know that I didn't have near the emotional connection with him compared to my online guy...maybe that is part of it. Maybe I was using him to satisfy my physical desires? I know that I was feeling good knowing I was making him happy, but that is probably part of my 'pleaser' personality. (Some day I would really like to get over some of that) As I talked to my online guy about my 'make out guy' Yeah...it was a little weird...but I am glad I did. We discussed whether it was 'control issues' or not. I think that is part of it. I feel in complete control with make out guy...at least most of the time...there were a few times when I wasn't sure what he was doing and I remember freaking out for just a minute...it was bad enough that he looked at me and asked if I was ok. He asked if I was worried about what he was going to do...it was just a shift of position kind of thing...but I didn't know what he was doing...so I think part of my problem is control issues. I think I am not afraid or nervous if I am in control...and make out guy was always so happy that I was giving him attention that he was content for me to do whatever I wanted. I had made a couple of comments about my past...so he knew I had issues...plus I think that he was not treated well by his previous spouses...and was a 'hen pecked' husband. and that made him trigger different emotional cues from me. He was just so thrilled I was treating him so well he was not going to complain.

So....I told make out guy I would never be able to commit to any type of relationship with him. Sigh...kissing was great..but obviously not enough. My friend keeps telling me I need to quit thinking 'hot sex' and think...Who do I want to grow old with? Sometimes I remember that...but after suppressing my emotions for so long...I just do NOT want to push my feelings and emotions in some corner somewhere and ignore them.

I still have my new guy that I am dating. I think we are going out this week. I am enjoying the 'intellectual' connection. I am having fun getting to know him. He is very 'old school'. I offered to make dinner for him in a couple of weeks when my kids are all gone. (I don't often have my house to myself...so I thought I would try and take advantage of it) He said it was a wonderful offer, but perhaps a little premature...then he reminded me that he moved at a 'glacier' pace. Maybe that is what I need to not 'rush into intimacy'. It is not necessarily what I want...but often what I need is not what I want, you know? I think about how I have enjoyed talking to him about whatever...he told me he was not a big 'texter' but I have seen a dramatic increase in the amount of messaging I am receiving...so I guess you are never too old to learn :)

So...where am I now? Wishing I could have a romantic, physical relationship with a man that has an emotional and intellectual connection to go with it. Which means it needs to be someone that lives close and wants to be with me. I have been thinking a lot about some of the things my 'online guy' said. He told me that if I can find someone to touch my mind and soul...everything else will fall in line. I hope that is true...I want to have someone that is 'equal' to me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, (with physical sprinkled through out). That doesn't mean they have to be 'the same'. It just means that we can relate in all those areas. That he can understand my emotions and support me when needed and I can do the same for him. One of my friends was telling me that all women want the same thing...we want to be wanted. I, for one, now know that being wanted is a wonderful thing.

What is intimacy? What is making love? What is affection? And how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference?

Ok...I have no idea what I am feeling and it is making me crazy...ok...not crazy but I wish I better understood my emotions.

With my online guy we talked about intimacy and sex...mostly I was the one doing it...I needed to process what it 'could be' not what it was in my marriage. It became 'palatable' to me. At the time we were talking it all seemed to blur together...sex...intimacy...love...caring...listening...thinking of lying with someone sharing your inner most secrets while sharing your bodies and everything that is sacred between the two of you...it seemed such a wonderful fantasy. Granted you need to be married to do all that but I think you know what I mean. Both of you trying to please the other and feeling joy because the other is happy and feeling loved. It was a very different experience for me..yet I know it was also fantasy because we were not married and we were not even in the same town. sigh...

Then I went out with my 'make out' guy and tried to figure out what I was feeling when I was kissing, etc. I tried to figure out if I was 'sinning' and I needed to repent. I tried to figure out why there was no guilt. I wondered why I loved 'kissing and hugging' yet it was giving me no desire to have sex. It was not arousing feelings that I needed to control or stop. So does that make it bad? I wondered what I would think (ok..I didn't wonder very long) if my children were doing the same thing. But it just seems too different. I realize 'the law of chastity' applies to everyone..but there must be something about 'arousal'. If I am not 'arousing' feelings and desires to have sex it is bad? Is it because I was married for so long and would have sex and other serious intimate experiences and then get up the next morning and go to church? Therefore it was not the same thing as teenagers arousing feelings they have never experienced?

One night when I was with my 'make out' guy he was laying across my lap and I had my arms around him. We weren't doing anything wrong...and as I felt him relax I just felt this connection to him...realizing that intimacy was 'nice'. I know that might sound weird...but it is the only way I can think of to describe it. The other weird thing is that I can do it for hours...literally hours and not be aroused or desire to have sex. It just feels so nice to 'feel'. So maybe that is what it is...feeling...feeling that someone cares about me...feeling that someone wants to love me and make me happy. Feeling that connection to another human being. I asked him if it is different for him to be with me and he said yes. I asked him why and he talked about feeling that I cared about him without judging...that I wanted to 'please him' I ask him what he likes...what feels good...that I want him to be happy. It is sad that it is such a 'new' experience for him also. It makes me wonder how few 'stable' people are wandering the earth.

So then I go out with another guy...he does the very 'chaste' kiss at the end of our dates and a quick hug. It almost makes me feel like a slut because I think of all the things I would like to be doing with him. Then I start to wonder if I am a sex addict. He is telling me how respectful he is of women and I am wondering how it would feel to have his arms around me and kiss me deeply. Sigh...

To make it worse...then I want to go see my 'make out' guy. I have new insight to those girls that would date several different boys...but I am hoping it is different for me because I am not telling them I love them. I don't know if I am leading them on or not...I don't know where I am going so I don't see how I can be leading them anywhere...

Then I think back to when I got a dog...my counselor friend was telling me that it wasn't fair to the dog to have him be my 'emotional blanket' and then just stick him in a crate when I had other things to do. Is that what I am doing to my 'make out' guy? I have been honest...after our last date I told him that I obviously had some intimacy issues. I told him that all I wanted to do when I was with him was to make out...I just want to kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I can't think of anything else. The desire to 'do that' is so overwhelming I can't focus on anything else. So what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we just showing affection to each other? Are we just letting each other know that someone cares? We are keeping clothes on and not touching private parts of each others' bodies...so does that still make it wrong or are we just helping the other to be happy?

I think about why I don't sense or feel any 'red flags' and I wonder if part of my 'feeling broken' is also feeling violated. I feel like everything has been done to my body so what does it matter if something similar is done and I actually enjoy it?

My online guy tells me I need to 'grab life by the horns' and once I leave my past behind I will be able to commit and love someone. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I wonder if my 'making out' counts as 'grabbing life by the horns'?  What do you think?

I think I would be a fool to commit to someone right now. I need time to figure out my feelings and emotions. I need to be able to think and process how my body is reacting and what my heart needs. Sometimes I wonder how much I am enjoying it...and how much is just 'feeling' a strong sensation and I am drawn to the feeling because it is new?

So...yeah...I am still seeing my counselor...I would really like to figure all this stuff out...sigh...

Maybe I need to go 'make out' for a few hours to clear my head...ha ha ha...sigh...

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...

I think I can do this.....

Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)

I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!

We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)

The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.

So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.

This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."

When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath".  I think I am almost there...

As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.

I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....

True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name.  God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.

Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response?  How much time do you have?

What does it mean to 'connect emotionally'?

What is an emotional connection?

I sat and looked at what I just wrote and decided I had no idea what an emotional connection is...so I googled it..I like the response I found. (Here is the link - What is an emotional connection? ) It talks about being open and trusting...oh yeah...trust..I am so NOT good at that.

I have been pondering my feelings lately...I have to admit I have had deeper feelings than I have had for a long time. I think it is nice. And yes...this is connected to my 'online guy'...sigh...

I have been thinking about my heart. Because of my abuse I 'shut down' a pretty good section of my heart and I didn't allow myself to feel so much of the good in the world. I have learned that your heart is an 'all or nothing' kind of thing. I do not have the ability to decide what I can feel...I can either feel practically nothing...or everything...ok..I can probably work up to 'everything' and I know I am making progress but I am not there yet. But the point is that I know I can't 'selectively choose' what I can feel. So...opposition in all things 2 Nephi 2:11 so if I want to 'feel' the good, I need to 'feel' the bad...yeah...like I want to do that...I do wonder if I will have more abuse memories come back as I 'open my heart'...but I don't dwell on that.


Back to my feelings...

First...in my current 'almost relationship' at first it was fun to think that there was someone that wanted to get to know me...and when we started chatting instead of email messaging through the online site things moved a heck of a lot faster. Once we started talking about sex (mainly because I was so paranoid about all my issues and concerned about being 'present' if I was ever intimate again) feelings started getting stirred up.  At first it was just 'hormonal teenager stuff' but then...the more he would listen to me...talk to me...ask about me...heck...he has even read most of my blog...I know he has because he would ask me questions about different things I had posted. The feelings began to get deeper...and I have to say...I like how they felt.

I had issues at first thinking I had my 'mind in the gutter' and if my kids were thinking the things I was thinking I would want to march them down to the bishop's office. But I realized I needed to 'process' at some level the concept of intimacy. I finally realized that I was not thinking about 'sex' to get aroused and feel that 'high' some people get...but I was wanting to feel and express 'intimacy and love' to someone I feel cares about me.

I realize that because of my X's issues...this was the biggest part of what was missing in my previous marriage. And I think the 'emotional connection' is the basis for allowing 'intimacy and love' to grow. I keep thinking about what my counselor friend said..."So what you are saying is that he 'hears you' in a way that you have not experienced before?" and yeah...I guess that is it.

I had some friends over last night to watch a movie...we watched, 'Freedom Writers' and it got me thinking quite a bit about 'being heard'. As I was watching the characters 'change' as they realized their teacher cared about them...I thought about myself...how important it was for me to 'be heard' and as I was getting all 'caught up' in how influential the teacher was in the movie...how wonderful it would be to make a difference in the lives of kids...then I thought about my own kids...how hard it has been for them to not have a father and mother in the same home that offer that structure and support...how independent I see them becoming (which isn't always a bad thing) and how they must 'long' to be heard as well.  As I sat there I could feel all these emotions stirring inside of me. I started feeling this love deeper than I have felt before...I began to pray, asking Heavenly Father what it means. Wondering if this means that the guy I am communicating with is someone that is going to truly be a part of my life? Wondering if all 'these emotions' I am feeling and then imagining how much more intense they would be if my 'guy' was actually here in person...and trying to decide if that is what I am working towards?

I do know that I am experiencing feelings that are new...and I like them (for the most part) and I am hoping I will have the opportunity to truly love someone and have that person love me just as much. I would hate to think that I have 'uncovered' all these emotions and stirred up all this desire to have someone to love and hold and share my life with then not have the opportunity. I was talking to a coworker yesterday...he changed jobs and I won't be working with him anymore...he asked how I was doing. He is an English teacher and I shared some poems with him to get his 'opinion' ( he did think I had some poems that should be published...which certainly made me feel good) so I knew he was asking 'more' than just 'how is your day?'

I told him about 'my guy' and he was so happy for me. He told me how exciting it was for me to (if nothing else) to truly experience a connection with someone at such an intimate level. He talked about how 'rare' it was to find someone that you could truly connect with and how wonderful it was for me after all the garbage I have been through...

So...I am thinking I am starting to understand at a profound level just what an 'emotional connection' is. I will say right now...if I marry again...it will be to someone that I am emotionally connected to...that is for darn sure!

Online dating, chatting, messaging, texting, etc....

So...I've been looking online for a month or so...Wow..there are a lot of guys out there!

It is interesting what I can pick up from their responses...I have found that if I say something about their picture...they will then look at my profile and sometimes message me. I am having fun with this quite a bit. For example...I saw a profile of a man that was 20 years younger than me...I message and say, "Here's to hoping you like older women!" Well..I got a message back a few days later..."Do you like younger men?" Ok, I know it isn't even a smart thing to think about...but I gotta say...I was having some fun there for a bit.

Then you know what I realized?  I was smiling more...I started joking with my kids more.  I was happier.  Maybe opening my heart up to the idea of having a man in my life would make it easier to love my children. Maybe it isn't possible to close off a section of your heart and not have it affect other parts as well. Maybe I would be able to open up my heart and love a man...if that man was the right man....maybe...

So...dating at my age (let's just say most of the men had grandchildren) is a whole new ball game. My friend gave me some counsel...she said, "There is less rejection at our age because everyone is just looking for a good fit...so it is more of a...Nawh...I don't think it will work. With neither one wanting to deal with another 'mismatch'" So...here I go...

I have messaged some guys...chatted with some others...and actually talked on the phone with some. Crazy how fast it turns into...well...I don't want to get married yet...too soon after my divorce, death of my spouse, etc. Or...well...this might work...we have lots of things in common.  Completely different world...

So...where am I right now?  Well...I am talking to a guy quite a bit...we both have baggage (who doesn't nowadays?) and the best part about him?  He listens to me...truly listens...and just talking to him and having him listen...is making my heart open. He talks about how he would treat me...he tells me I can ask him anything I want (I think I have asked him about 200 questions - and he has answered every single one...not been crabby, moody or annoyed..he answers and then says, "What else do you want to know?"...and it is a whole different world from the one I have been living in. And so now I am wondering...it is real?  Is this the 'love and passion' that other people have in their relationships?  People that don't have 'touch issues' and everything else that messes with your ability to have healthy relationships?  Or....is this just the tip of the ice berg?  And it can be so much better...I can't even fathom it...

Am I scared.?  yes.
Am I worried I will screw up my life again?  yes.
Am I afraid of having a man come towards me that is 'reeking' sexual energy?  yes.
If it happens (I meet a man that is attracted to me) will I run away like I have all my life?  no, I want to live the life I was meant to live...I want to love with all the love inside of me...to share it with someone that will give it back and maybe even more. In order for this to happen I will have to open up my heart and feel and get hurt and be afraid and not run.  I don't think the Lord helped me to come all this way to have me fail...so...wish me luck!

Seriously? I have less baggage now then before I got married? I'm healing?

I still have this annoying drive to 'find a man' and it is going to make me crazy.  Just saying...

I can't believe I have gone from never wanting a man to touch me intimately to desiring to have someone to share my life with and truly love...and feel him love me.

So I am talking to my friend the counselor..(she isn't my personal counselor...she just works as a counselor) and I am gripping that I could find a good man when I was young...why would I be able to find a better man now that I am old and gray...with 5 kids...and more emotional baggage than I can sometimes handle?

Her response...are you ready for this one?

She tells me that I actually have less baggage than when I was young. Mainly, because I am not hiding from my issues and I am much more aware of myself and what I think, do and feel. Wow...that was a 'shocker' I must say. So...I am 'creepin on guys' (as my daughter says) and seeing what is out there online.

I must say I am learning quite a bit from reading all the profiles...much can be learned by looking at photos (who is in them, does their smile change when they are in pictures with their kids, do they have pictures of their kids? do they just have pictures of boats, motorcycles, etc. or are they doing things with friends)

It is quite interesting..to say the least.

So...I am in the Temple (like always) and I have become such close friends with so many of the workers..I can just feel their love.  I am doing intiatories...starting to cry like always...trying to figure out what feelings I am feeling...what feelings the workers have...and they all start telling me how much they love me...how much they love seeing me...how they feel my Spirit...how much the Lord loves me...and finally one of them tells me (they know the basics of my background...I figured they deserved that after seeing me have emotional breakdowns every week) one of the ladies that always makes me feel so good says, "I know with your background you may wonder about these blessings...but I want to tell you that you have an incredible future ahead of you. All those blessings are for you. Everytime I say them to you...the Spirit tells me that they are for you!" (ok...she is not the first worker to tell me that.) She kind of sat there and looked at me and kept mumbling..."Incredible future"

When it was time to go..another worker came up to me (she is leaving on a mission with her husband and will only be there one more week) she is looking at me and crying..and she tells me that she wants me to know that I am beautiful. She stammers and says, "It's not that you weren't beautiful before, you are very pretty...but the last few months I have seen a change in you...the light in your eyes...the corners of your mouth...your lips...just everything about you...every time I looked at you tonight I just thought how beautiful you are." She kept struggling to explain and I told her...I understood what she was saying...and that I can sometimes feel my countenance changing...and I think it is a sign that I am healing...

I sent an email last April when I started my blog asking for some pointers from a man that maintains a site...he responded a few days ago. He apologized that it took so long because my email was in his spam folder....I thought this was interesting since I don't know anyone that would go through his spam folder and look at emails that are 4 months old?  He was very kind in what he said...and I loved his last paragraph...he was telling me a few ideas and pointers to help me with my blog...and he closed his email with...

"Hope this was helpful and for what’s it worth, I enjoyed the few moments I spent on your blog. You’re a good writer and your story should be interesting to a lot of people – dealing with divorce in the LDS community. I could feel a lot of pain and sympathy as I read some of your posts. If it means anything coming from someone you don’t know and will never meet, I feel the Savior’s love for you and pray for your healing to be effective. After all, isn’t that what we all seek – to be healed. And who is the only one who can heal us? That’s right – the Savior."

So...here is to 'US' that are trying to heal...may we all feel the love of our Savior and know that healing is possible and we can all live again. That we may all know that we have a glorious future!

Have a wonderful Sabbath!

Touch issues, intimacy, wanting to love and wanting to be loved....

Ok...This is how I understand some of my issues...

I was sexually abused as a child. I can't remember how it started (and apparently I am not going to be able to) I just know that I was 7 or so and the boy next door would come and do whatever horrible things he wanted to me and I would just passively lay there and tolerate it. I did come to realize later that I was not being 'passive' I just did not have the ability to stand up and fight back..to tell him no.  Can you say, "disassociate?" Anyway...

Let's just say I acquired some 'intimacy issues'. As I grew up I remember I used to wear dresses and whatever all the time...but as I got older I turned more 'tomboy' and didn't like to dress up. I was never into make-up very much. I guess it was around puberty that I really started shying away from dressing nice. I think I could sense some type of 'energy' in dressing up nicer and the way people looked at me. I feel that my 'phobia' got worse as I got older. I wonder if it was complicated by the fact that I am tall and I always looked older than I was...I remember being a freshman and people asking me 'what is your major?' and I would reply.."I'm in HIGH SCHOOL!" So I am thinking the fact that I looked older just amplified my issues?

So...I am in high school...don't really date...didn't really enjoy going to the dances...it made me too self conscious of my height...hung out with guys and they would always tell me how relaxed they were around me. So I was contend (for the most part) with that...

After high school...I did date a little...the first guy I fell in love with...I was 'sooooo in puppy love'. He loved music, he was passionate, he treated me like a girl. He opened the doors, tried really hard to be a gentleman. Well...there was never anything 'physical' other than hand holding...but we could talk for hours...

Yeah...he is gay now...I realize now that my attraction to him and my X was based on the fact that there was no 'sexual energy' and that made me feel safe and comfortable.

I did go out with another man...I was about 20 and he was 23 or so. His family owned a farm and he 'kind of ran it since his father died...hard worker...good money...he took me out a couple of times..spent lots of money...I remember the last time...he brought me to my door (I was living at home with my parents) and asked for a kiss. I had never really kissed anyone (my abuse never involved my mouth that I can remember) and I said, "sure" thinking it would just be a peck. Well, I felt more pressure than I anticipated and felt the power of his tongue (it took me a split second to recognize what it was and what he was doing) but by that time I had shoved him away and tried to get inside my house. Unfortunately, the door was locked...I began to pound on the door and ring the door bell (it was very late) and I am telling him, "Just leave...leave me alone..." (crazy...I haven't thought about this in detail...with my new 'sexual abuse lenses' and it is making me cry) he is apologizing profusely and I am madly pounding on the door. My mother finally comes downstairs to open the door and sees me and panics and asks if I am ok...I tell her yes and run to my room. He kept calling for a couple of weeks and sent me a huge bouquet of flowers...but I would never answer or talk to him. I think I was terrified of what I felt and also very embarrassed because of how I reacted.

Then I go on my mission...I went to Latin America and had companions that wanted to kiss me good night and hold hands with me...yeah...I had to just tell them upfront that I was a 'cold North American' that was worse than normal. And I would do my best to let them know I cared about them...but I struggled.

So...after my mission I had room mates...2 were incredibly social and so I was exposed to guys quite a bit..I was always great at being a 'friend'...occasionally I would be in moods to dress up...and dated a few guys...but nothing big. Oh..one of my roommates was extremely 'touchy' and was probably one of the best things that ever happened to me. She helped me to understand what 'safe touch' was. I learned it was ok to sit in church with your arm around someone and have it be nothing more than a gesture of friendship...no sexual undertones..just friendship. I learned better how to hug a friend and how it meant nothing more than 'I care about you'. It was good for me and I am still incredibly close to this friend today.

Then I start dating a guy that had only had one girl friend his entire life. The girl he dated before his mission...she said she would wait for him...he came back and she 'wanted more' and went off to school and married someone else. That was about 10 years previous...he hadn't really dated anyone since.  We went out for several months..he loved to drive..we would drive and talk..he would call and we would talk...his job resulted in traveling and he would send me letters and post cards...sometimes a package...we were never physical, but we could talk about anything....

About this time I signed up to take a massage class. People told me I was a natural and I was starting to realize I had 'touch issues' and I had better do something about it if I ever wanted to get married and have children.

Then my room mate got engaged...he (the guy I had been dating) freaked out and went back to his family in Montana...he did finally marry a girl.  (At least he wasn't gay :)

Then I started dating my X. He asked if he could give me a kiss after a couple of dates and I said yes...I freaked out and kind of pushed him away...but not as bad as the other guy. He wasn't trying to kiss me the same, there wasn't the same 'sexual energy'. I still felt bad..so I asked him over the next night and we went for a walk and I told him that I had been abused and I had some 'touch' issues. He was extremely patient and said that he would never force me to do anything and to let him know when I was ready. He was true to his word and never pressured me. I now realize he was not in a place to 'give emotionally' and was patient and willing to do whatever to 'get it'.

So...we are at a dance at church...I realize that all my roommates are either at the dance or at work and my house is empty.  I tell him I am ready to try kissing...we go home...he was very good to just let me do whatever I wanted. I remember thinking how patient he was...just letting me do whatever I felt comfortable doing. This evolved into sometimes laying on the couch and I would be kissing his neck, or face and thinking about what I had learned about massage and what I thought would be arousing...and then watching him to see if he would react. I wanted so badly to be this 'exciting, romantic passionate woman'. It was very non threatening for me which I appreciated...exploring how holding his cheek like in the movies while kissing felt, etc.

Well...one night I remember kissing his neck...he is just lying there watching TV and all of the sudden he turns  towards me and begins to kiss me very passionately/aggressively and began to french kiss. I remember how panicked and freaked out I was..but I was so determined to be a 'passionate woman' that I didn't follow my instinct (which was to shove him away and kick and hit and anything else that would get him away from me) and just 'went with it'. I think that is what I did for the rest of my marriage...

I remember our honeymoon and one afternoon trying to do everything I could think of to arouse him and he just laid there...I finally asked him if it was 'doing anything for him' and he replied, "Yeah...I just wanted to see how long you would do it." Really? I never clued into what was really happening...

As I look back on it...I think he was so accustomed to 'getting gratification' without any 'output' he was content to just 'take' from me...and I guess I was just supposed to feel so 'grateful' that we were having relations I was supposed to be happy. I remember never feeling like I was doing it right...that there should be more to feel...I would try just about anything and everything...I never felt satisfied or like it was enough...I never understood how come he would always seem content and I was always the one that wanted more...he seemed satisfied...and I was always frustrated...

I remember a few times when he would be 'sexually assertive' and would trigger my defenses and I am sure I would react resistant to an extent and then I would just go along with it. There were a couple of times I remember him realizing that he had 'triggered' something...and he would just pull away and leave me alone. I think that conditioned me to think if I 'reacted' he would reject me. That just increased my 'putting up with things' because I 'wanted to be a good loving wife'.

So...here is what I am thinking...I have never known true passion...I have never known a man to 'give his love' to me. I have not connected emotionally with a man and been intimate while feeling that he 'truly loves me and wants to please me'. I tried to do that for my X...but I have no idea how successful I was, I don't think he was ever in a place to 'get it'... I think my marriage intimacy had little hope due to my 'abuse and touch issues' and his 'gay porn' issues. I think he felt if he 'married a woman' he would be 'fine'. whatever fine is...

That means...if I do find a man...and he is attracted to me..I am going to FREAK OUT! If he looks at me with true love and passion or touches me...I have no idea how I am going to deal with that...

Yeah...I just called and got a counseling appointment for tomorrow....