Dating update! Still have issues....online dating scams and helps.

Ok...I'm still trying to date...sigh...I hate dating!

But...if I ever want to love a man...I need to date.

I have to laugh at my college age daughters that make comments like..."If I want to meet people, I need to be sociable and go to activities."  Then they usually sigh and laugh...

Then here is a 'kicker'...my daughter says..."How come you have all these high standards and expectations for us (my two girls) but you don't have the same standards for yourself?" Ouch!

I think part of that has to do with what I want in a relationship is different than what they want. I am just looking for someone to love me and sit on the porch with me and grow old and giggle. They are looking for someone with a bright future (career), worthy priesthood holder, kind, caring, emotional connection, healthy, funny, etc. Is that bad?

Sometimes it makes me feel that I am 'still broken'...other times it makes me feel that I am settling...then it makes me feel that I am looking around and the men that are my age and single..let's face it...they are single because they have issues or have suffered a loss (of spouse). My girls talk about 'I don't want to marry a project'...and I think to my self...any older single man IS a project. I look at couples and see the power of a good relationship and the support of a caring spouse.  So yeah, any single many my age is going to have issues. But hey...I certainly have issues.

I do think there is a different level of acceptance of issues at my age...I am comfortable alone...therefore, if he needs 'space' or something, I am totally fine with that because I don't want to spend 24/7 with him anyway. I have children and friends and a job and a life. When young people get married it is ALL about spending that time together to 'create a life together'. It is very different.

I was talking to some creepy guys online...of course I thought they were fine until I realized they were not who they portrayed and were trying to get me to send their 'daughter' money in Nigeria.  Seriously? If you are trying to scam someone...why the heck would you think a single mom with 5 kid would have any money? Evidently, they were not 'good' scammers...lol.

It did make me think about how quickly I wanted to believe everything he said. He knew what women want to hear..."I have learned a pretty package is not always pretty inside - I find intellect attractive - I feel connected to you and want to share all my accumulated wealth with you and take care of you." Yeah...it was very appealing. When he asked me for money and I realized that he was a scam...he replies..."I never loved you either." Really, Wow...that was a surprise!  NOT! 

My stomach did turn as I realized he was not a real person...but I got over it.

It helped me to be more aware of 'signs' that a person is not who they claim to be...Like...they only had 1 or 2 pictures. Their English was not perfect (I believed when they said they were from Europe so I just figured it was 'English from Britain'. I asked if he was am American Citizen - he said partially because his father was from Germany and mother from England.  Seriously, I should have picked up on that one...how is someone a 'partial citizen'?

I even talked to them on the phone for a minute...it was a horrible connection...

Both crazy guys I was talking too..had lost their wives about 5-6 years before. One even knew basic stuff about the church...another said his grandmother used to take him to church and he said he was reading the Book of Mormon and was in 2 Nephi. Both had 1 daughter that lived in another country. Little/if any extended family...

Yeah..they knew what they were doing.

So...are there still any good guys out there?  Yes, I would like to think so...
But it is important to be careful as well...

So...if I find anyone special...I will definitely let you know!

There is a light...

Ok...so my ex has taken me to court 4 different times this year...all about money, child support (he lost his job again and wants me to pay him) and child visitation. I stuck up for myself at court and he was denied his request again...whew...

The next day, interestingly enough, my older son that has lived with him for 2 years called me up and wanted me to come get him. He and his dad had been arguing and he wanted to leave. I was surprised that he came out to the car with a laundry basket of clothes and a blanket full of stuff...

I fought the urge to 'join him' and complain about my ex. I told him that I loved him and his dad loved him and maybe he just needed some time to breathe. We talked about what he needed. He is a great kid. He worked 2 jobs all summer and now is working while finishing up his high school career. I worry that he is working too hard...concerned he will end up in a position like his dad. I think if he could he would emancipate himself...sigh...I offered to help him and told him my help was independent of where he lived, I offered it because I loved him and I was proud of how hard he was trying.

He hung out at my house for a couple of days...then made a deal (my son benefited) with his dad and moved back. What was interesting is how it changed the dynamics of my relationship with my 2 younger boys. Right now my 2 older kids are off on missions and college. That night my kids were supposed to be with their dad...but they decided that they wanted to come to my house. I just let them do what they wanted to do. I reminded them that I loved them and I always have and I always will. I told them that I would help them with what I could regardless of if they are over 18 or not. The 3 of them just seemed to relax. It was nice.

It has been a few weeks since then and I must say the change continues. I don't want to say my ex is evil or wish evil on him. But I do feel it is a shame that he is missing out and my kids are 'getting' it. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

We watched the Saratov Approach on Sunday...my 2 younger boys. It was so incredible. My boys were mesmerized. It was so different, the attitudes of my boys. I was a little emotional at the end. There was no 'belittling or mocking' at my tears or emotions (this is how it has been in the past...mainly because that is how my ex was. He could not handle emotions...so he insulted those that showed them). It was just a wonderful moment shared. We talked about how difficult it was for them (the missionaries in the movie) but how their faith changed what happened to them, and more importantly it changed how the missionaries felt about themselves and their Savior.  Awesome movie...I totally recommend it.

As I ponder why?  I think that I am receiving some blessings for continuing my faith and trying to do what I can. I think I am letting go of control issues. I have no control over my kids. But I can love them. I remember thinking so long ago...if I could just make sure my kids know that I love them...then all will be well. Or, at least I will be able to sleep at night...lol! I think my kids know what is right. They still all go to church. In fact, watching the movie was the alternative to going to the fireside. They didn't want to go to the fireside, so I told them they could stay home if we watched a 'church movie'. I think it was a good decision for all of us. I felt closer to my boys and it was nice.

I have 3 teenage boys...so I know that I am not out of the woods. I also know that I can deal with whatever comes along.

I was talking to my study buddy and we both were acknowledging that we are in such a different place than we were a few years ago. Our lives will never be the same. I am grateful to that change.

I am still dating movie dude. I am not sure if it will go anywhere...but I do know it is good for me to be with a man that cares about me and treats me with respect. For now we enjoy each others company and out time together. I am getting better at just 'taking it as it comes' and not trying to control it or make it into something it is not. Maybe I am finally learning how to 'enjoy life'?  I can only hope so.

Like they say...
It is good when it is over...if it is not good...it is not over.
My life is not over. Every time I am at the Temple I feel how much love those across the veil have for me. I feel how much my Savior loves me. I feel how much I want to try and do the right thing. How much I know that there is a plan for me and I do feel that plan includes a man to share my life. I am finally learning to enjoy the journey.

Dating, Dances and New Year's Eve!

So...I am dating my 'movie dude' (we both love movies) and it was New Year's Eve. I must say I was kind of excited about knowing I had someone to go out with. We decided we would go to a movie and then go by the dance at church.

I have been thinking a lot about how much I am attracted to 'movie dude'. I am trying to figure out how much is genuine attraction and how much is 'it's more fun than being alone'. Tough call sometimes.

I feel that I truly understand how to be a 'friend' with a man. Unfortunately I have had more than enough experience in that arena to understand it. The thing that I struggle with is once there is 'physical/sexual contact'. That just plunges it into a completely different realm that I do not completely understand, yet. But I do feel that I am getting closer.

About movie dude...I enjoy talking to him. It is different than make out dude who I basically just wanted to kiss with...I didn't have a whole lot of interest in just 'talking'. So I figure it is some awesome progress that I enjoy talking to him...doing more than just 'kissing'. I am interested in him as a person. To be honest the kissing is not as exciting...but...I am noticing a difference the longer we go out. So my latest theory is that the intimacy will change and improve based on my emotional connection with him. I guess it is like they always say...Sex with women is all about the emotional connection. I mean, don't get me wrong, I want to kiss him and I enjoy it. I think I am beginning to see what the 'satisfaction/connection' difference is regarding intimacy. I am hoping that is progress for me.

I did have a chance to hang out for a bit with my 'online dude' and that was nice. I am glad I was able to spend some time with him when I wasn't a neurotic mess. We just wandered some stores and went to dinner. I like how comfortable I was around him. I liked it. I like him. That doesn't mean that we are 'meant to be together' but it does mean that he is a good friend. I think it was good for both of us to just 'hang out' and know that we can be friends. Besides, I got a couple of pretty good hugs and a kiss or two when we parted. I gotta say...I do like his kisses and hugs. Sigh...Now I am wondering how much is 'him' and how much is the emotional connection?

Movie dude is a very kind, loving man that treats me with respect. He joked about moving at a 'glacial pace' and that is correct. I have noticed that he is hesitant to talk about 'who he is' (his past, etc.) but has no problem talking about 'what he likes to do'. I am realizing that this is slowing down our relationship. It is not a bad thing, just an interesting thing to be aware of on my part. Again, I met movie dude online and we only messaged a few times before he asked me out. The other men I have dated we have messaged and texted extensively and 'shared our skeletons' before we even met. I am thinking this is what caused the big connections..or the desire to 'make out'. Movie dude still has tons of mystery...I don't know enough about him to make any decisions and I think it is good. It has also been interesting to see how 'kissing' is evolving. Make out dude and I starting kissing on our first date during the movie...and were doing a good share of that by the end of our first date. Movie dude has taken me out probably about 8 times...and we just last night...were kissing more than a 5 second good night kiss. I guess the Lord is 'trying to set me up for success'? Helping me to learn there is more to a relationship than just intimacy. Helping me to see that emotional connections and intimacy go hand in hand...if I want intimacy and love and not just sex...I need to understand the difference.

We went to the church dance after our movie. We both decided we weren't very good at dancing...so we were just going to sit and visit until a slow song...yeah...we were there for 45 minutes and only had one slow song...that was New Year's Eve...it was fun to have someone to kiss. He made a comment today that he felt sorry for the people that were there and alone. He said he could tell they were jealous of the fact that some people were in couples, like us. Wow...gentle and sensitive...who knows where this might go.

Interesting thought...As I am writing...I am more sensitive about the men I am dating...not writing anything that would hurt or offend them...more sensitive to them than I am to the man I was married to for 18 years...wow...true pain can make you crazy...you know?  I guess I have truly shut off the emotional ties I had to my ex. All his stupid stuff doesn't hurt as much as it did...that is nice...

Life is not for the weak!

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...

The Temple, Elegance and Exponential Improvement

I was my daughter's escort yesterday...what a wonderful experience...wow...sigh...all of that and more.

My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...

Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!"  Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...

Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).

When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing"  gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you."  We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.

I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...

I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...

This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.

Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....

Counseling, Kids and "What the heck are you expecting?"

So...my oldest son (still a teenager) moved in with his dad...but hey...what teenager wouldn't want to move from a room he is sharing with 2 brothers to an apartment with his own room and basically no rules?  Can't blame him too much...gotta say...Part of me thinks it is a huge blessing since I am dealing with so much stuff I don't think I have the emotional energy to deal with him also...maybe the Lord is looking out for me...

Unfortunately, living with his dad means he 'hears' his dad a lot.  He is beginning to 'act' like his father more and more all the time...I am hoping that I am just 'over sensitive' to it and imagining it, that would be nice. He came over last night for Mother's Day...barely talked to me. He acts like he is no longer part of the other kids...I think part of him likes it and another part of him hates it. He told me on facebook the other night that I 'don't treat him like the other kids'. I ask him what he is expecting me to do? He starts in with 'I don't respect him' I said things about him in front of him to his counselor (this was over a year ago). Ok, first off..yeah...I probably said that to the counselor...but I would NEVER say that to the counselor in front of him...I'm not that stupid! He starts in with all his word twisting...it was weird...I suddenly stood up and was very intense and angry...it wasn't out of control...it was just extremely intense...I felt that I was yelling...but I didn't seem to be...

We were on our way over to a friend's house for dessert...I tell him..."You can make a choice...be respectful and polite and go with us or go back home to your dad's house." He tried to tell me I 'kicked him out' of the house...I kept re-stating that I was simply giving him a choice.  We finally left...his older sister decided to stay home with him...and I found out later that my son burst into tears as soon as I left...who'd a thought? They (my son and daughter) did come over just as we were leaving....which I gotta say...kind of surprised me.

We came back to the house and he actually came back in...he and his sister talked for quite a bit...she ended up taking him home - technically his dad was supposed to come pick him up...

My daughter came up to me and said she learned some things from him while they talked...she asked him if she could tell me and he said, "Whatever works". She then tells me...he isn't mad at you you know?  Really? This was a surprise...seriously...you can talk to me like that and still like me?  I just don't get it...

I remember when he was little...w hen he would get in trouble he would just keep up the attitude and behavior problems...it appeared like he could just not 'stop' his cycle of behavior.  I remember my daughter telling me, "I think he gets himself in a hole and doesn't know how to get out so he keeps fighting....I think she was quite inspired....

So...I am trying to figure out what to think...he is basically a great kid...he is EXTREMELY angry with me about the divorce (again, my X has not taken any responsibility whatsoever) and isn't able to handle really strong emotions. He is more sensitive than most kids about basically anything...I was 9 months pregnant with him when my nephew (17 years old) died suddenly. Plus, he seems to be very 'emotionally immature' so this is not a good combination...

His father has convinced him that counseling is stupid and he doesn't need it...although he seems to be letting his sister 'teach him' what she is learning in counseling...I guess I'll go with that for now...

Wow...my kids in some ways are soooooo messed up...in other ways are very together...in other ways confused...maybe they are more normal than not? I keep thinking about my daughter that is getting ready for her mission...she asked me, "Will things be better or worse when I come back?"  Oh my dear child, I will be praying everyday that they will be better!

Divorce is not for wimps!

Seeing my X and my counselor...what a combo!

Ok...my counselor was cool enough to take on my kids as a group...the court ordered sibling counseling. She has met with them twice now...I warned her that whatever she writes back to my X and I about the kids one of us is going to use in court.  My X seems to feel that counseling doesn't help and just makes people feel that they have problems. He has told my girls "I went to counseling with your mother and did everything the counselor said and she still divorced me."  That's funny...what I remember was the counselor asking me what he could tell my X to do that would help me to give him more time and not divorce him. I gave him a list of many different things he could do...my X's response? "She's been complaining about that stuff for years"  Yeah...really tough stuff...'Hug the kids and tell them you love them' 'Don't criticize me in front of the kids' guess it was tough for him.

Then she emails and says she would rather talk to both of us at the same time, in case we have questions she can answer them right then. So we are going to meet this afternoon...sigh.

At first I was ok with it. My X keeps threatening to take away his permission for counseling because my girls don't want to see him...that is his indicator of whether or not counseling is working...if the kids want to visit with him...he feels that counseling is 'separating' him from his kids.  Apparently none of the issues the kids are dealing with are his fault...wouldn't that be nice to live a life with no accountability?  But then, maybe not, since he obviously isn't very happy.

So...I get to thinking about having to meet with him and my counselor. That I start getting agitated...thinking that my counselor's office is going to be too small for all that emotion...then I realize that I will almost feel violated if I have to talk to him in her office...then a little panic and anxiety starts up...dang...I do not want to talk to him where I have been talking for so long about my stuff...then I felt frustrated...thinking about how I was starting to make so much progress...actually letting my guard down...almost trusting my counselor...and wow...almost back to square one. I feel she is not going to 'protect' me...I am going to be 'thrown to the wolves' and then I decide that I am feeling that my X is going to violate my space where I am supposed to feel safe.

Feelings...do they ever make sense?

I feel so much stronger...I feel that I can make it...I am fine by myself...I am over coming and dealing with so many things...and then...Wham!  I am back to being a little kid again with no ability to cope...kind of humbling...maybe that is what I needed...to turn again to the Lord and ask for His strength and love. I keep hoping to feel it more and more as I travel down my road to healing...maybe this will help...I can only hope and pray!

I am going to have to deal with my X for most of my life...we did have 5 children together...maybe this will be taking a step towards dealing with him better...not being so easily intimidated by him. Perhaps my counselor will see some things that will help me to deal with him better...that would be nice...yeah...I think I'm going with that concept...it will help me to better deal with him in the future...

Growth...still kinda sucks sometimes...just gotta say...

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Am I turning into a monster?

Ok....
I tried to talk to a member of my bishopric last Sunday. My son that lives with his dad is blowing things out of proportion (who'd a thought that a young boy would misinterpret and get emotional, right?) saying the leaders in my ward don't like him...this is not the case...it is just that some things have come up and they have mentioned them and my son has blown them out of proportion.  My goal was to talk to him and ask him (and hopefully pass it on) to take a 'proactive' role and just let my son know he was welcome...I am not too sure I succeeded or not...

It turned into..."We grew up together and I want to talk to you as a friend" and that went off into..."You (me) made a mistake...you should have stayed with your X for your kids' sake...keep your enemies close...now your X can spend time with your kids and you have no control over what he does...blah blah blah"...he says how he doesn't know all the facts but that I made a mistake...that my kids are all screwed up now because of the divorce...he goes on to tell me how worried he is about that...

Yeah...not too sure how well I dealt with it...I felt like I was in control the entire time...I felt like I was focused...my daughter told me later she saw us talking and it looked like I was trying to beat him into a corner...that wasn't quite my goal :) He went on to say that his mother put up with abuse from his father and stayed with him for the kids' sake...I don't think that is always a good idea...but that is just my opinion...

I told him I was abused and I don't think he was even listening...we were both talking very intently...he is an 'orator' by profession and I don't think he is used to people in his face...but he was in mine too...I think we both just felt really strong about what we were saying...

It was crazy because then he was saying that I was attacking the bishop...that I came on really strong...and blaming the bishop for everything...that the bishop can't 'call my son in' because my son lives in another ward now...there is a really fine line and I am asking him to cross it...on and on and on and on..they can't MAKE my son want to live with me...I wasn't asking for any of that...all I wanted was for my son to feel welcome coming to my ward...I wanted the members/leaders to say (if they saw him) "Hey...glad you came...I hope you know you are always welcome"  That is all....

The more I thought about it...I think that they feel guilty for what has happened and so he thought I had come to him with a different agenda...that I was trying to get him to convince my son to come live with me...that I wanted the bishop to apologize and it was all his fault...wow...back to being invisible...you know?

I just wanted them to know that my son had misunderstood and nothing else had happened (no positive interactions) to change his mind...that doesn't seem like such a bad thing...

I think the hard thing is that they (bishopric) haven't had to deal much with divorce...they are afraid I am asking them to take sides...the old..."I don't know exactly what I can do...so I don't want to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing"

It is just so frustrating...every time the other kids invite my son to something it always turns into "the leaders hate me...they say I can't come...and well...you can imagine"..I admit my son it 'blowing it out of proportion' but if no one is saying anything different...he is just feeding his misconception...sigh...

Then I thought more about my so called 'friend in the bishopric' and thought..."What the heck?! What was the point of throwing in my face that you think I was wrong to divorce my X?" I certainly am not going back...you admitted you didn't know all the facts...you have no ecclesiastical authority..you're not my bishop...my home teacher...and what is to be gained?  Want me to feel like crap? Trying to show me you have some 'enlightened knowledge'?  Trying to make me grovel?

I finally came to the conclusion...I stood up for myself pretty good...if I take my 'new found inner strength and insight' I would say he felt intimidated...I don't think he is used to people standing up to him...and arguing with him...but he is the one that kept bringing back the fact..."We're friends...we grew up together...I care about you...etc..." I think I was matching his intensity...and I am sorry...you throw accusations around like that and people are going to react...

He gave me a hug at the end...and made a comment about "we can talk like this and still be friends, right?" And I guess we can...does make me wonder what the ward thinks of me...sigh...so much for 'appearing together and strong'...

I talked to my friend...and she made the comment that I was gaining some incredible inner strength...but that some people may not be used to it...I think she was gently trying to warn me not to turn into a monster...

The upside...I think my 'inner child' sensed that I stood up for us...and I think that was a good thing...

Was I invisible?

Ok...
I was doing EMDR stuff the other day and talking about issues with my brothers and she asked me how I was feeling when my mother died when my brothers and I had problems...and it kind of came around to me feeling 'invisible' because it was apparent that my desires were not a concern to anyone...sigh...it was nice to be able to 'label' what I was feeling...but it isn't a very good feeling...

Then I was talking to my counselor about not being comfortable yet with dressing nicer and feeling that I am drawing attention to myself. Talking about feeling that I am aware that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am worthy I am a definite 'presence'. People will look twice at me as I walk by...not in a 'wow you are hot' kind of way but...'who are you?  I sense something.' kind of way...I am not sure if I like it or not.

So...here I am pondering all these things and then it clicks...When I was being abused I felt that I could not say no or not participate...I was invisible...my opinion didn't matter...I was the person that tried to keep everyone happy...but my opinion was not very high on everyone else's priority list...that is why I am so self conscious...that is why I don't like drawing attention to myself..that is why when my mother died and I was in the middle of dealing with all of this I was not going to allow myself to be invisible...it is kind of weird when some of the balls I am juggling drop into place.

This is combined with being extremely sensitive to the emotions so I was always feeling guilty about everything...this person wants this...that person is sad...I should do something to cheer up this person..etc..
So I guess I came around to thinking that keeping others happy was more important than keeping me happy. Or if I wasn't keeping others happy I was miserable and feeling guilty...

As you can imagine...this reminded me of how long I have been going to therapy...let's just say it is more than a year or so :) and starting to wonder if I am crazy...

Then the counselor said something cool...she talked about how I was a good person that had a lot of stuff going on (boy is that the truth) and I was dealing with my stuff so I could better be in tune, so I could do and be what the Lord wanted. I really liked how that sounded...that is a lot better than thinking I am just crazy.

I talked about how I feel I have this wall between me and truly feeling the Spirit of the Lord. I wish I could 'blow it up' but I don't know how to do that either...

All and all I guess my counseling session today was better than it could have been. I was seeing a different counselor...my normal counselor had some family stuff and is gone for a few weeks...it was kind of fun in that this counselor doesn't know all my mind tricks...my disassociation (if she did notice she didn't say anything) I mentioned it a couple of times...but it was kind of fun to think that she didn't know how to read me as well as my normal counselor...a nice break.

Before I left...we were talking about the need to be strong in the last days...she said something that I am really trying to take to heart. She talked about the gathering armies for the last days...those that were gathering on both sides of the veil. She said she felt that I was getting my stuff taken care of so that I could better 'feel' so I could better follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost...and that I was being drawn to those armies because that is where I belong...it is a cool thought...

Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.

He can still 'trigger' my emotions...

Oh my gosh...I wake up this morning...frustrated about court yesterday...angry that my children don't have a dad that cares and find out he is sending info to my brother and his brother and mother trying to make them think I am not doing my part to support my son that lives with him...REALLY>?>??>!?!?!?!?!?

Need I remind him that I am working 2 jobs and he is doing nothing?

It would be so awesome if it back fired and his brother and mother told him to 'buck up and be a man' and support your kids....I am not sure how 'Christ like' that thought is...but for right now...it would be really AWESOME!

I am mad at myself that he can trigger all this emotional response from me...when he left court...he 'booked' it down the stairs..looking back at me a time or two..probably afraid I would throw something at him.

I really want to get my emotions under control so he can't have the power I have given him any more...it is reminding me of when I was first trying to deal with my 'abuse' and every time I had to interact with him I would just fall apart...I am so tired of doing that...

When I think about it I haven't 'fallen apart' for quite a while and considering all that has been happening...that is saying something. I wonder why I did this time?  Is part the fact that I want my daughter to go on a mission and not worry about finances? Or that "I" (control issues) want to be the one to help her? Is it because he is hurting me through my kids and using them?  I am thinking about the money...he has sent me 3 emails asking when he is going to get his 'support' and I feel that he just wants to feel that he has 'won' and I have to 'pay'. And as far as my daughter and her mission... I know it doesn't matter who helps her...I just want to do my part...but I guess there is some control issue stuff there too...no surprise I guess...

I mentioned in counseling my thoughts of 'can't win for losing' meaning ...if I get the kids to counseling...maybe they won't be so mad/hurt at my X...then they will want to see him...which means that they will spend more time with him...which means less time with me...and I could easily interpret that as rejection. So by encouraging counseling I am actually 'sending' the kids to spend more time with their dad...and to think that he doesn't think it is necessary...

Really? Here I sit worried about my kids having a great relationship with their dad and then...he is such a jerk...wow...I surprise myself...

I guess it keeps getting back to...I want to do the right thing...I know the Lord is aware of me and my children..He knows what we need...if I am doing my part...he will provide...

I pay HIM child support? Really? Well...it is worth it to not have to sleep with him.

Well...I am not too sure what to say...but I went to court again (I wish I could get 'frequent flyer' miles or something for all the time I have spent in that court room - I will say the security guys at the door don't recognize me yet so maybe it isn't as bad as it could be). My X has been unemployed for almost 10 months and since I now have 2 jobs he took me back to court to discuss child support. I informed the court that he was getting money from his mother...the judge asked him about it and my X said he isn't anymore since 'it had a negative effect on his child support'. The judge said, "Don't you realize your primary obligation is to provide for your family?" He didn't even get it...

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh!

I dressed up...and I do think it helped a little. The judge was trying to work it through the system...and I do think that I got a little more respect from him because I had made effort to look nice. (Side bar...I am trying to dress nicer...I am recognizing that if I have more respect for myself - others will respect me more also). As he figured out the child support (I have 2 jobs he has none) it started as me owing him $250 a month and the judge got it down to a little less than $100) It just makes me so mad I want to cry. It is so wrong...

I had a counseling appointment after...I figured I would need it...and yeah...I did...

I called my friend on my way to my appointment and we joked about it was worth paying him to be able to have the Spirit in my home and to not have to sleep with my X. He finally changed his 'facebook status' to single so maybe he is giving up on me 'coming back after I deal with my mental issue'. It is a good thing I have friends...or I don't know where I would be. She reminds me of how 'she warned me' what a jerk he would be...granted...that doesn't help me...but I will say I never thought he would be this bad...he seems to be so angry and in such a dark hole. I still don't think he is admitting any responsibility. I can't believe how easily he lies..He is taking a 'class' I can't figure out if it is one night a week or two...I think it is the 'Addiction Recovery Program' but I am not sure...maybe it is just counseling...man...he needs a  lot of it...and then some more...

I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants...and the Institute Manual states:

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

“The Church and its members are commanded by the Lord to be self-reliant and independent. (See D&C 78:13-14

“The responsibility for each person’s social, emotional, spiritual, physical, or economic well-being rests first upon himself, second upon his family, and third upon the Church if he is a faithful member thereof.

“No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family’s well-being to someone else. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Lord and with his own labors, he will supply himself and his family with the spiritual and temporal necessities of life. (See 1 Timothy 5:8.)” (In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, p. 124; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, pp. 77–78.)

Ok...gotta confess...I sent this to him in an email...my guess is I will get some rude 'something or another' back from him...probably not the most 'Christ like' behavior from me...but then again...I am up at 4am...

I am not responsible for him, he has family and resources...I should not be one of his resources... 

My bishop is being pretty cool...good thing I am a faithful member...

gotta say...I don't know where I would be if I wasn't a faithful member...maybe I'd be sucked down that black hole with him...man...what a mess that would be...

I have cried a few times this evening...while trying to figure out what part was making me cry I thought...a big part is that I was trying so hard to 'take care of myself' and it just keeps falling apart...so frustrating...

I know the Lord is aware of my needs...I know the Lord loves me...I know the Lord knows my daughter wants to go on a mission and is working hard to do her part...I guess I just need to 'know and remember' that the Lord has a plan...Faith...I guess I am still working on that First Principle of the gospel...

Is there hope for my kids? I pray it is so...every day!

My X has been trying to get my younger son to move in with him.  I don't like the idea...I think that separating the kids is exactly like the first judge told us..."separation of siblings can cause irreparable damage" and that is what is happening.(my teenage son moved in with his dad about 6 months ago and it is causing a ton of issues amongst my kids)  My X is hoping my younger son will want to go to his ward, of course we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward you live in...something that my X has argued many a time over the years before now...but now he is constantly trying to tell my son he needs to demand to me that I take him to 'daddy's ward'. (It is in the neighboring stake)

So...last Sunday my youngest tells me he doesn't want to go to church...says he likes dad's church (ward) better and I can't make him go. I will confess that I threatened...started getting him changed myself...and nothing was working...the home teacher had come over earlier and offered to come 'drag him to church'. I was getting so frustrated because I felt that I just had no control or authority in my home. I felt that I would never be the respected adult in my home.  I was worried that if I don't let him do what he wants he will move in with his dad like his brother...yet if I can't be the 'adult/parent' in my own home what kind of person is my son going to grow into? As I am sitting there pondering what to do...thinking that if I went to church and 'let him stay home' I would never be able to get him to do anything...I finally decided to just leave him and go to church.

I get up and I am mad...but not..I feel that I am out of control angry but I am not out of control...so I turn to him and say, "I am really hurt that you don't want to go to church with me. They asked me to talk in Primary, I don't want to talk to the kids in Primary, I want to talk to YOU.  I want to share my testimony with you during Primary because YOU ARE MY SON!" It was kind of like controlled rage. And I walked out the door and went to church and tried not to cry.

As the Sacrament is starting in he comes...huffing (he had run the 1/2 mile to church) and 'slams right up against me' as only a 10 year old boy can. I put my arm around him and hold him tight the whole meeting. I tell him that I love him..he is leaning against me, head on my shoulder, leg against mine and barely moves. As he gets ready to leave for Primary I ask him, "Can you feel how much I love you?" He says yes....

After I do my part in Primary he comes over to me and says..."That was a really cool story" and repeated that a few more times on the way home. He then says, "After you left I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life" I tell him, "Do you know the best part of that?" He responds, "That I said I made a mistake?"

"No" I reply. "The best part is that you made a mistake and then you fixed it!" It was a good day...

Do I know what changed his mind?  No...did my son need to feel that 'I wanted him'?  Did my son feel my sincerity? Did my son decide it matter if I was upset? Do all my efforts regarding my 'gotta keep it together' attitude communicate to my kids (mainly my boys) that I don't care?  Is this something that is being supported by their dad?  I know he says a lot of cruel things about me...I know he is hurt and angry...it would be hard to hear things as a child and not know if they are true. I know my daughters have told me that sometimes it is hard to know what is true because their dad says lots of things and 'Mom..you don't say anything." Maybe it is ok to show my emotions?  Maybe I don't need to be 'nerves of steel' but just be a caring mom...

Later there was a problem with my older boy and I couldn't believe how my daughters handled it. They were trying to make sure that everyone had 'their say'  that no one was getting too emotional or upset...that all feelings were listened to...don't get me wrong...it was not necessarily pretty...but what was incredible was that all my kids were trying to get along and demonstrating by how they were talking that they loved each other.

As I looked at my kids and thought about the feelings that were in the room I thought..."There is hope for my kids!" They have rough roads ahead, but everyone has a rough road ahead. They aren't 'shying or shirking' away from their problems...they are doing their very best to 'deal and rise above'. I look at the type of person they are going to become...I think of the type of parent they will be...I guess it is best summed up by a discussion my child shared with me...they were talking to their counselor and was asked, "Do you think this is going to make it hard for you to have a good relationship later and marry?" My child's response, "No! I think this is going to make my relationship better because I deserve it and I know what I want!"

Is there hope for my kids?  YES!

Are my kids going to continue to struggle?  YES

Will I ever stop loving them? NO

Will the Lord ever stop loving and guiding them? NO

Am I glad I am divorced? YES...but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....

Co Parenting Counseling and the Jerry Springer Show

Ok...
I am sure it is pretty obvious by now that I struggle having any kind of communication with my X.  I will assume that the people reading my blog are fairly intelligent and 'get that'....hope I didn't offend anyone :)

Anyway...after the mediator says our kids/family is being divided by the actions of my X and I and the 'parenting plan' (visitation, etc.) is not in the best interest of the children the judge says we need 'co parenting' counseling....sigh...

I start checking around for someone to do it...and I get one guy to call me back and he says..."I have to confess...if you hadn't mentioned who referred you to me I would not have called you back...no counselor likes to do 'co parenting counseling'." He then asked if I have ever seen the Jerry Springer Show...he mentions that the concept of having 2 people that can't stand each other to work through sharing kids is a nightmare that no counselor wants.  As he put it in that perspective, I could understand his point.

Now...gotta say...my counselor friend tells me there is an actual 'co parenting protocol' that her county uses and they actually have a list of issues they go through..how to communicate...switch kids etc...but I don't know of that in the county where I live...so...I am back to counselors...

Well...my X mentions that the counselor we went to for 'marriage counseling' might do it.  I, of course, was struggling with insurance issues and trying to find an LDS counselor and someone that worked during the hours I was off...and someone that I would like...all very difficult to do...so when my X suggested our old counselor I 'jumped on the idea'.  After all, our marriage counselor 'totally got me' and 'had my back' why would I not want to go back to him...

So...fast forward to sitting with our marriage counselor...my X starts complaining about the same old stuff...most of it is stuff that happened at the very beginning of our separation...as I am sitting there it occurs to me...he has so NOT MOVED ON! He is worried about who to blame...I won't let the kids see him...I schedule activities so they don't want to see him...I over schedule and involved them in extra activities...like teenagers in a 2 parent household would stay home every weekend and sit around playing video games with their dad?

I starting seeing that the counselor 'gets it' and I don't have to respond or defend everything my X said...that was a nice feeling...I still need to support how I feel, but I didn't feel the 'desperate need to protect myself'. I am hoping that is progress?

So...we survive our first session of 'co parenting counseling' and then on to getting my son some counseling.

This is the counselor that referenced the Jerry Springer Show...well..that is pretty much what it turned into...

I couldn't believe it..he finally asked my son to wait outside while he talked to my X and I.  My X said all kinds of crazy things...everything from...'she is using counseling to blame me for the divorce' to 'I have family that has dealt with divorce and counseling screwed up their kids' to 'I like counseling but they don't need it...they are normal teenagers and counseling won't change the fact that their parents are divorced' to 'if we take the kids to counseling they will think they have a problem'. I was impressed with the counselor..he weathered it well...and I gotta confess...reminded me of 'The Jerry Springer Show' and when the guests would be saying the most ludicrous things...and arguing over the most stupid issues...I am glad there was not a video camera...I will say I didn't feel on the 'defense' like I have in the past...the need to 'protect my image' or 'justify my actions' and I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut...so maybe I am progressing...

I will say that my knowledge of 'counseling buzz words' was beneficial...I felt I could explain why I wanted my son in counseling and what I hoped he would get out of it...

Why do I want my kids in counseling?  Well...I get that some counselors just cause issues...and are trying to pay their 'mortgage' and perhaps will continue to see people as long as the person is willing to come and not make plans...others truly want to 'help' those that have more 'drama/trauma' then they can handle...the best thing I have learned in counseling?  How to separate what I can change and 'rethink' how to deal with what I can't change...that part of it has been a huge help...so...do I want my kids to have that knowledge and ability?  Heck ya!  Do I feel that my kids have had more than a 'normal share' of drama/trauma?  Yes!  Do they deserve to have the best shot possible at 'healing'?  Yes!  So...do I support counseling?  Yes I do.  Even if I don't like it some days :)

So...my son's first counseling session didn't work out as we hoped...but he will get another one next week. My son did ask me if we (my X and I) were going to be in there during his session...I told him no...he was obviously relieved...

Well...if anyone else out there has any suggestions on how to better survive all the 'together time' and counseling...feel free to let me know...

Kids deserve the opportunity to learn how to 'deal' and more importantly 'heal' from the challenges that are put in their path...if we as parents don't have those skills or tools...I feel we need to find a way for our children to learn them from others...but that is just my opinion...

If I wanted to see you I would have stayed married!

Ok...can you just say 'X' overload?
I see him at my son's sports games...I see him at my daughter's musical performance...I see him at co-parenting counseling (yeah...that is a couple of blogs in itself) I see him at my son's counseling...oh, and get this...he is trying to tell the counselor that the kids don't need counseling because it won't change the fact that we divorced and will make them think they have problems...

I have told the kids so many times...things have happened that affect them that are not their fault...it makes sense that they will get angry and frustrated...counseling will help to separate what you can change and deal better with what you 'can't change'. The whole session was basically my son in the waiting room and my X and I fighting over the kids getting counseling...what a mess...

It is sad that he is driving his kids away and he keeps blaming me...I don't have to do anything...then to have him say that I don't want my kids to have a dad...He has no idea how badly I want a good father for my children...

My older daughter mentioned that her counselor asked her if she was afraid that she wouldn't get married to a good person because of our divorce...she said that she had never thought that way...she feels that she will get an even better husband because of what she is seeing and learning...I started to wonder if that is not the normal response from a child of divorce?  I think I feel good about that fact that she feels that way...I am thinking it is a good thing...

I remember my counselor asking me if I was thinking about dating...I said, NO WAY I can barely handle my own life...let alone the addition of someone else...then she says..well...most people take about a year...I tell her I have been separated for over 2 and then she says, "Well, in your case..more than 2?"  Gotta say...don't know if that is good or not...

I think it is good I am not lonely...I don't feel that there is a 'hole' that needs to be filled...maybe some day...but definitely not right now...

I do wonder why he isn't dating...I wonder if he still wonders if we will get back together or not...

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I was sorry for the baggage my abuse brought to our relationship...and it totally caught him off guard...he has tried harder to smile at me when I see him...I sure hope he didn't take my apology as an interest in 'making up' No way in HELL!  Just gotta say...

And to be honest...I am not good for him either...I am not able to love and support him the way he deserves...and everyone deserves to be loved...I try to remember that...some days I do...

I will say that when we were in counseling yesterday arguing about our son getting counseling... I held it together better...flashbacks of marriage counseling...I found I did not feel as much need to 'defend' myself...I didn't react as much as I have in the past...and I feel better about that...I saw more what a HUGE cavern exists between us...how low he has gone and much better I feel about myself...that was nice to ponder...If I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'. I am better able to see how people see him...less need to defend myself...nice...

Divorce and Ex Inlaws

Ok...
I am not too sure how I feel about the whole...ex in law concept. The other day my kids' cousin (on their father's side) was getting baptized. I wanted the kids to go...I know family support is important at things like this. At the last minute my son said that I was welcome to go also...first off...I hate being an 'after thought' and second...I think most of his family blames me for 'destroying' my X. My X has not taken any responsibility for our divorce and my girls told me the summer after we separated they were at his mother's home and she asked them..."Has your mother said anything as to why she is doing this?" Now my girls are smarter than the average kid and they knew the major issues and were smart enough not to say anything...but they have asked me several times since then..."How much do you think grandma knows?  Should we tell her?" What a mess to put your kid in, right?  My X can't get mad at me for that...he told my girls, "I had a porn problem and your mom won't forgive me" he thought they would feel sorry for him...but it just alienated them more...sad...

So...last year when my oldest graduated from high school we had a 'family gathering' and I invited my X's family. It was a little awkward...but we all survived...one of his sister's in law showed up later and was soooo sweet and kind to me. I mentioned to her, "Thank you so much for being so kind and caring about me." She responded, "I love you...what happened between you and your husband is between you two...I will always care about you." It just warmed my heart...and I know she really meant what she said. I later was talking to a friend about it and she said that I can't keep up relations with my X inlaws...that my X will take it as an attack on him...think I am trying to get his family to side with me...he will resent me even more...sigh...

I guess I can see what she was saying...but then I see some of the wives be so supportive to my kids and ask about me...it just makes me wonder...because I don't have enough guilt in my life...

So...divorce and ex-in-laws...I guess technically I am no longer related...but does relation always need to exist to care about someone?

I think I'll need to ponder this one for awhile...

I Wish It Didn't Affect My Kids

Today I am trying to get to everything I should go to...
Sports for the kids...parties...a birthday weekend for a child...it is crazy...but good.

My son that lives with his dad makes it even harder...I feel like he just does whatever he wants...when his dad doesn't have gas money to take him anywhere..then suddenly he wants to 'stay at my house' and I feel like I am being used (Ok..it is more than a feeling...I am still a doormat sometimes) but then he comes around and he can be such a great kid...then I wish he was living with his siblings...and I know it affects them all...they all need to know they are loved by their siblings...and feel supported...regardless of which parent they are aligning themselves with...I just can't figure out how to do it.

I am glad in some ways the judge is making them go to counseling...I hope they take advantage of it. I look at them (my kids) and see how strong they are as individuals and the desires they have to do the right thing and I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude to a Heavenly Father that has blessed me with such incredible children...and it sometimes breaks my heart to see them go through all of this...I guess that is part of life.

I remember my daughter asking me during conference...right after the talk Can Ye Feel So Now? (Quentin Cook October 2012) if that was true...followed by..."Because dad has caused an awful lot of tears".  On one hand it breaks my heart that she would feel that way...on the other hand?  The sad thing is that her dad doesn't even realize it...how strong and powerful are the chains of addiction....

Monday 3/11/2013
My older teenage son (that lives with his dad) came over last night. I remember so well that first judge and what he said when my X tried to take some of the kids to live with him the first time..."Don't you know it can cause irreparable damage to separate siblings?" When my older son comes over..he tries to be the 'dad' and boss everyone around...my middle son is getting used to not having him around so when he shows up my middle son will pick arguments with him because he feels 'threatened'. To make a long story short..everyone is hurting and it struggling to treat each other with love and respect. I wish I could take them all to counseling...but some think counseling is a waste...I will say the ones that want to go to counseling..have a 'brighter glow'. You would have a hard time convincing me that it is not connected...those that can 'see' that things are going on in their lives and have a desire to make it better, not just blame it on everyone...seem to have a better countenance...sigh...I just don't know how to fix it.

My daughters are so hurt by how their dad treats them...they don't even want to talk to him or be around him..my X just can't see his part in the problem.  Granted, I know I am not perfect, but at least I am trying and doing what I can to make things better.

It just breaks my heart to see them hurt...after a discussion last night with a couple of my kids I told them..."I have no idea why you need to go through this...but what I do know is that it is making you stronger." I went on to talk about the kind of mother and father they would be...how they would be so loving and nurturing to their children. I told my daughter how she would marry someone that truly loved her and she would see her husband wrap his arms around their daughter and love her, accept her and she would know what it would mean to her daughter. I told my son how he would be a father that 'plays' with his children and love them and helps them to feel good about who they are...and that all I know is that their Heavenly Father loves them...I love them...and they are strong enough to come through this as a better person...

It did seem to bring a better Spirit into our home after I talked...we all cried a little...and smiled at the end.  Life is not for wimps...I can't take away their pain...but maybe I can help them to remember who they are and where they can get strength...and remind myself in the process.