I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Meeting single men, dating? porn? When to ask...is it a deal breaker?

I must confess...'creepin on guys' (as my daughter calls it) has been fun now for a couple of weeks. But...the whole relationship issues are stirring up all kinds of stuff...

Ok..so I was having fun messaging a guy that really wasn't ready for anything more than friends...that was nice. I can handle that...then he makes me his 'favorite'. I still am not sure what that means...and then he changes his profile and says 'the water is too cold'. Well...what are you doing making me a favorite?

Ok...another thing I am noticing...guys don't seem to answer half the questions you ask them...what is up with that?  Isn't the point to get to know people? Aren't you on the website because you want to 'get to know people'?  Well...how the heck are you going to get to know them if you don't TALK to them?  Seriously, how will you know?

So...I email the guy and make sure I haven't given him the wrong impressions...I panic for a day or so...you see, I had talked about pron...then it occurs to me that maybe HE has porn issues...and now he is mad...and then my mind just spins off from there...

But I think about the fact that if he does have porn issues...is that a deal breaker?

So...my first reaction is YES!  No way in hell will I live with someone that cannot connect with me emotionally...that will cheat on me in their mind...I will not relive what I just got out of!

Then...I think...how many guys will that eliminate from my options?  Is that a bad thing? What if they have truly gone through the repentance process? I have seen those video clips that the couples sit there holding hands and talking about how they never thought they would make it...but they stuck together and now their relationship has depth they never imagined...

That, of course, makes me think I was such a failure in my marriage...that I gave up. I was the one that walked away. But I think the difference is that those videos have men that were willing to admit their problem and 'work' towards overcoming it...I don't think my X was even close to that. I keep thinking of him yelling at me in the car...asking why I would leave him...telling me, "I have never cheated on you with a man or a woman, well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count."  That doesn't sound like someone that is repentant and trying to change...you know?

Anyway...back to dating...

Wow...I have come full circle...I wrote down about 3 months ago that I would never allow a man to touch me intimately again...and here I am...stressing about wanting a relationship with a guy I have only seen pictures of and read a profile. To make it worse, I don't even know if it is true. Combine this with the many spiritual and uplifting experiences I have had over the past month or so and it pretty much screams to me...I need to pursue the idea of finding a man...

Then...I get thinking about the fact that there are so many women out there that are single...smart, beautiful, incredible women...what makes me think that someone as damaged as me has a chance?

Then I start thinking about how damaged I am...

I ponder what really went wrong in my marriage...my abuse issues...

Sigh...I think that might be a whole new post...

And to think .....I WANTED to come to earth to experience all these emotions and have all these 'mortal experiences'....wow...must be some kind of greater good at work..that is for sure...

He can still 'trigger' my emotions...

Oh my gosh...I wake up this morning...frustrated about court yesterday...angry that my children don't have a dad that cares and find out he is sending info to my brother and his brother and mother trying to make them think I am not doing my part to support my son that lives with him...REALLY>?>??>!?!?!?!?!?

Need I remind him that I am working 2 jobs and he is doing nothing?

It would be so awesome if it back fired and his brother and mother told him to 'buck up and be a man' and support your kids....I am not sure how 'Christ like' that thought is...but for right now...it would be really AWESOME!

I am mad at myself that he can trigger all this emotional response from me...when he left court...he 'booked' it down the stairs..looking back at me a time or two..probably afraid I would throw something at him.

I really want to get my emotions under control so he can't have the power I have given him any more...it is reminding me of when I was first trying to deal with my 'abuse' and every time I had to interact with him I would just fall apart...I am so tired of doing that...

When I think about it I haven't 'fallen apart' for quite a while and considering all that has been happening...that is saying something. I wonder why I did this time?  Is part the fact that I want my daughter to go on a mission and not worry about finances? Or that "I" (control issues) want to be the one to help her? Is it because he is hurting me through my kids and using them?  I am thinking about the money...he has sent me 3 emails asking when he is going to get his 'support' and I feel that he just wants to feel that he has 'won' and I have to 'pay'. And as far as my daughter and her mission... I know it doesn't matter who helps her...I just want to do my part...but I guess there is some control issue stuff there too...no surprise I guess...

I mentioned in counseling my thoughts of 'can't win for losing' meaning ...if I get the kids to counseling...maybe they won't be so mad/hurt at my X...then they will want to see him...which means that they will spend more time with him...which means less time with me...and I could easily interpret that as rejection. So by encouraging counseling I am actually 'sending' the kids to spend more time with their dad...and to think that he doesn't think it is necessary...

Really? Here I sit worried about my kids having a great relationship with their dad and then...he is such a jerk...wow...I surprise myself...

I guess it keeps getting back to...I want to do the right thing...I know the Lord is aware of me and my children..He knows what we need...if I am doing my part...he will provide...

I pay HIM child support? Really? Well...it is worth it to not have to sleep with him.

Well...I am not too sure what to say...but I went to court again (I wish I could get 'frequent flyer' miles or something for all the time I have spent in that court room - I will say the security guys at the door don't recognize me yet so maybe it isn't as bad as it could be). My X has been unemployed for almost 10 months and since I now have 2 jobs he took me back to court to discuss child support. I informed the court that he was getting money from his mother...the judge asked him about it and my X said he isn't anymore since 'it had a negative effect on his child support'. The judge said, "Don't you realize your primary obligation is to provide for your family?" He didn't even get it...

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh!

I dressed up...and I do think it helped a little. The judge was trying to work it through the system...and I do think that I got a little more respect from him because I had made effort to look nice. (Side bar...I am trying to dress nicer...I am recognizing that if I have more respect for myself - others will respect me more also). As he figured out the child support (I have 2 jobs he has none) it started as me owing him $250 a month and the judge got it down to a little less than $100) It just makes me so mad I want to cry. It is so wrong...

I had a counseling appointment after...I figured I would need it...and yeah...I did...

I called my friend on my way to my appointment and we joked about it was worth paying him to be able to have the Spirit in my home and to not have to sleep with my X. He finally changed his 'facebook status' to single so maybe he is giving up on me 'coming back after I deal with my mental issue'. It is a good thing I have friends...or I don't know where I would be. She reminds me of how 'she warned me' what a jerk he would be...granted...that doesn't help me...but I will say I never thought he would be this bad...he seems to be so angry and in such a dark hole. I still don't think he is admitting any responsibility. I can't believe how easily he lies..He is taking a 'class' I can't figure out if it is one night a week or two...I think it is the 'Addiction Recovery Program' but I am not sure...maybe it is just counseling...man...he needs a  lot of it...and then some more...

I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants...and the Institute Manual states:

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

“The Church and its members are commanded by the Lord to be self-reliant and independent. (See D&C 78:13-14

“The responsibility for each person’s social, emotional, spiritual, physical, or economic well-being rests first upon himself, second upon his family, and third upon the Church if he is a faithful member thereof.

“No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family’s well-being to someone else. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Lord and with his own labors, he will supply himself and his family with the spiritual and temporal necessities of life. (See 1 Timothy 5:8.)” (In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, p. 124; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, pp. 77–78.)

Ok...gotta confess...I sent this to him in an email...my guess is I will get some rude 'something or another' back from him...probably not the most 'Christ like' behavior from me...but then again...I am up at 4am...

I am not responsible for him, he has family and resources...I should not be one of his resources... 

My bishop is being pretty cool...good thing I am a faithful member...

gotta say...I don't know where I would be if I wasn't a faithful member...maybe I'd be sucked down that black hole with him...man...what a mess that would be...

I have cried a few times this evening...while trying to figure out what part was making me cry I thought...a big part is that I was trying so hard to 'take care of myself' and it just keeps falling apart...so frustrating...

I know the Lord is aware of my needs...I know the Lord loves me...I know the Lord knows my daughter wants to go on a mission and is working hard to do her part...I guess I just need to 'know and remember' that the Lord has a plan...Faith...I guess I am still working on that First Principle of the gospel...

Divorce and Ex Inlaws

Ok...
I am not too sure how I feel about the whole...ex in law concept. The other day my kids' cousin (on their father's side) was getting baptized. I wanted the kids to go...I know family support is important at things like this. At the last minute my son said that I was welcome to go also...first off...I hate being an 'after thought' and second...I think most of his family blames me for 'destroying' my X. My X has not taken any responsibility for our divorce and my girls told me the summer after we separated they were at his mother's home and she asked them..."Has your mother said anything as to why she is doing this?" Now my girls are smarter than the average kid and they knew the major issues and were smart enough not to say anything...but they have asked me several times since then..."How much do you think grandma knows?  Should we tell her?" What a mess to put your kid in, right?  My X can't get mad at me for that...he told my girls, "I had a porn problem and your mom won't forgive me" he thought they would feel sorry for him...but it just alienated them more...sad...

So...last year when my oldest graduated from high school we had a 'family gathering' and I invited my X's family. It was a little awkward...but we all survived...one of his sister's in law showed up later and was soooo sweet and kind to me. I mentioned to her, "Thank you so much for being so kind and caring about me." She responded, "I love you...what happened between you and your husband is between you two...I will always care about you." It just warmed my heart...and I know she really meant what she said. I later was talking to a friend about it and she said that I can't keep up relations with my X inlaws...that my X will take it as an attack on him...think I am trying to get his family to side with me...he will resent me even more...sigh...

I guess I can see what she was saying...but then I see some of the wives be so supportive to my kids and ask about me...it just makes me wonder...because I don't have enough guilt in my life...

So...divorce and ex-in-laws...I guess technically I am no longer related...but does relation always need to exist to care about someone?

I think I'll need to ponder this one for awhile...

PTSD and the Dentist

So...here I am thinking so much about my abuse as a child...thinking about how I could just lay there and let my abuser do what he did...wondering how I was able to keep it a secret from my parents (till the day they died) and how scared I was...wondering how much I have blocked out (I can't remember how my abuse started - in fact the experiences I do remember basically start in the middle of the abuse)...and I go to the dentist...

As I lay there...I began to think...not too many people enjoy going to the dentist...I know for me...I have been fortunate enough to have dear friends for a dentist for most of my life. So I don't have the 'negative' feelings that some people have when they go...I also had braces as a child...I remember I was often complimented on my ability to just sit there while I had my braces adjusted...I often would simply read a book (holding the book around the doctor's hands so I could see) it didn't seem that big of a deal...

Then today...I wondered if the skill I was using to sit in both the dentist chair and the orthodontist chair (and I'll admit...when I go to the gynecologist) was one I developed while being abused.  They are all situations where someone is 'doing something to you' that is not 'pleasant' and the better you can 'sit still' the easier and faster it goes. I sat in the hygienist's chair today and let my mind wander...and I began to feel my body tense up...the lack of focus on the 'scrapping'...and wondered again...what happened to me that I had to develop this deep of a coping skill to survive? As I lay there today...I thought..maybe I should shut my eyes to better focus and try to process what I was thinking...then I realized that with my eyes closed I didn't know (see) what the hygienist was doing and that just triggered too many 'control and trust' issues..so I gave up on that idea...

I will confess there were many times in my marriage while being intimate I would 'let my mind wander' because I didn't want to say anything to my X. Sometimes he would 'trigger' my fear of sexual energy and I knew if I said anything or shut down he would back off and not give me any attention...and I guess I rationalized that some attention is better than nothing. Either that or I was afraid to have him mad at me..I don't do very well with anger either...sometimes I wonder what I can deal with...after all... I don't deal very well with rejection. I think that is another indicator that we (my X and I) didn't have a very good communicative relationship...and perhaps that is a key to my abuse...or maybe how it started.  My family didn't 'neglect me' they just all had lives and interests...I was the youngest and I remember always wanting to 'be accepted' by them. Maybe I was so desperate for attention...I was willing to put up with the abuse rather than feel alone. I just looked back at this last line I wrote...and think how crazy it is...but it is still what I think sometimes...

But that puts me in the 'blame' mode...and I wonder...seriously...could a 6 or 7 year old girl be able to make that kind of decision? I work at a school and often work with younger students...when I was first beginning to process my abuse I was testing younger kids...I saw the fear in their eyes...being told there were going to take a 'test' with a stranger...leave their classroom and teacher and go off with a stranger..I saw the teacher try to talk them into coming with me..telling them if would be fun...as I looked in the faces of those 5 and 6 year olds that were scared to come with me I thought...how could anyone force someone so young...to do anything even close to what was done to me? As I would talk to them, and joke with them most of them relaxed...and even smiled...I would see their desire to 'please' and 'do it right'..their eyes were so innocent and afraid..I just wanted to hug them and tell them that I would make sure no one ever hurt them...I thought of the time I was locked in the closet at his house and my brother came over to play with his brother and my abuser left me in the closet, naked with string wrapped all around me to hold the things that he had put inside of me....and I wondered.. How could I have been a willing participant?  How could I have not been terrified? How could I/can I blame myself for what happened...I was so young...so innocent...so unaware...I lived in a home full of boys/men...but none that would tell me to do something that was wrong...how was I supposed to stand up to anyone?

I have a dear friend that was also abused and she struggled to deal with it after she was married...she talked about how her husband 'stuck by her' and together they were able to work through it. Sometimes it makes me feel angry that my X didn't try to help me 'deal' with it.  But then...I didn't really help him deal with his issues either...this is when I tell myself that I wasn't participating in an inappropriate behavior during our marriage...so that should 'excuse' me from the sin...right? The issues my X and I had were all his fault, right?  My issues 'happened' to me...his issues were his choice, right?  Or were they?  Were mine?

Monday 3/11/2013
I went to the eye doctor today...after thinking about this post...it was weird...I almost 'freaked out' at the 'eye puff' thing that checks for glaucoma...I sat there telling myself..."Don't let him touch you" and then I would tell myself I was making a big deal out of nothing...then he would have to get close to me (I have long legs) and reach over to his machine and I was surprised how much it was bothering me...I know that he was not doing anything wrong...it was just me stressing...it would be nice if I could get all this stuff to become a memory I didn't have to think about...or react to...maybe that is what is hard...getting the memory 'put away' but still being aware it is there...sigh....

Emotions, Romance and the Sex Addict

Emotions
I always felt I was a fairly 'tough' girl. I grew up in a house full of boys...I was strong...I could build fires, etc. I would cry...but not excessively.  My mother used to cry quite a bit. I remember my father telling my brothers "Be nice to your mother...she is going through the change." My brothers said she had been going through the change for over 10 years. My aunt used to say that my mother's bladder was in her head...I never wanted to be that way...

While I was trying to deal with my depression and try and figure out what was going on I think I started to cry more often. Bearing my testimony became a 'tearful' event. My kids will say that I am getting better at 'talking while crying' and I don't sniffle in the microphone...I just breathe for a moment until I can get it together.  There was a period that I felt there was no reason to put on makeup...I'd just cry it off...

When I was asked to teach Gospel Doctrine I would often cry as I bore my testimony at the end of my lesson...I remember getting home from church...and my X came home later in a second car...He walks in the house and says grinning.."Well..Mom was 'bawling' again in Sunday School today" and the kids would laugh...one of my friends was telling me the problem was I was getting closer and closer to my feelings while he was getting farther and farther...anytime I was feeling emotional it made him feel guilty. And then the sarcastic and rude remarks would start....sad...

My kids will say I don't cry like I used to...I guess that is good? I do get concerned with my girls because they think that they can't cry...they think people will laugh at them and make fun of them. They think crying is a sign of weakness...they get frustrated with themselves when they cry. I think that is a terrible thing...because being able to feel emotions both good and bad is what makes life worth living.

Romance
My X was good about sending flowers for the major holidays, he understood that was expected of a good husband and so he did it. He used to kid me about emotions...telling me that he was one of those guys that wasn't very sensitive and if I wanted him to know something I would have to tell him. He wouldn't be able to 'pick up on it' by my moods.  The longer I was married to him..the more I began to feel that he was 'checking the boxes'. I felt that he knew what was the expected behavior and so that is what he would do.

I was amazed that my daughters caught on to this. I remember my daughter crying one day...telling me.."How come I feel like dad does stuff because he thinks he is supposed to..not because he wants to?  How come he is always saying..this is what you should do...this is appropriate..blah blah blah. I finally took time to explain to her that he isn't able to 'trust his feelings' and so he has learned over the years what is appropriate behavior...and so 'yes' he checks the boxes and then feels that he is doing the right thing.

I had never kissed anyone before I met my X. (Ok...there was a kiss or two here or there...but that was it) and so of course..after getting married...I wanted to have fun 'making out' starting with the 'fun stuff' (kissing, necking, etc.) Within months..he had no interest at all in kissing. He would keep saying..."Why do we need to do that when we can have sex?" Sometimes I would try to 'be romantic' and 'loving' and he would just lay there...for long periods of time not reacting. One time I asked him why he wasn't responding and didn't seem interested...His response, "I wanted to see how long you would do it."

I began to feel that he didn't 'like me', he didn't accept so many parts of my personality. The difficult part was that the parts I felt he didn't accept were the parts that I liked the most. I liked the fact that I could tell a story in a lesson and turn it into a testimony bearing opportunity. I liked the fact that I could go to camp and have a great time acting rowdy and making everyone smile..I feel this was a huge part of my depression.  I remember him saying to me, "How can you think I don't love you? I married you, I share my paycheck with you, I help with the wash." He didn't comprehend the need I had to be 'loved and cherished' Because of my abusive past..the last thing I wanted was a sexual relationship with no emotional connection. He did not have the ability to make the emotional connection with me that he cared. This was in combination with my abuse issues...I think it is amazing we were married for 18 years...

Powerful Women and the Addict

I think it is funny that my 'ex' would say things that made me feel he was 'intimidated' by me and the things I would do. He had no idea the power and control he had over me...especially because of my abuse...I was not very good at saying no. (ok...I am sure I was a pretty good 'passive agressive' but he had a very different perception of our relationship than I did). He had a very difficult time with change and I had this burning inner drive to 'do things'. I think back and realize these moments of 'I just gotta do it' were the Spirit touching my heart to help me become more independent and to defend myself. The biggest issue was my returning to college. I dropped out of college before I went on my mission...mainly because my father wanted me to go to college...I was afraid I would fail...and therefore...I flunked most of my classes and got a job that I felt was 'so much better for me'. Anyway...I went to school 15 years later while maintaining a family daycare and had a houseful of my own kids under the age of 8.  I even had a baby during my 'college years'. This was EXTREMELY threatening to him. I even showed him time and time again...my patriarchal blessing tells me several times to get a good education...that my help will be needed to support my family. I explained to him that we were a 'team' and that he was helping me..then I would help him (if he wanted to go to college). He did end up finishing his degree right as we separated.

Anyway...I remember after I was successful at school...he would start making comments like, "I don't have Stake callings like your mom (I was in the Stake YW presidency)." or "How come you always get everything you want.?" 'I'm not a brainiac like your mom." and I remember my mother telling me, "Honey, you can't fix his self esteem." I remember thinking he didn't want me to succeed. It seemed that if I was successful...that meant he was a failure. What kind of partnership requires one to fail for the other to feel successful?

I had many 'high profile callings' at church...partly because we lived in a rural area and members were few...he took this as an insult to him. How come 'I' was getting all these callings? I was just doing what I was asked. People would tell him and me that they couldn't believe that I was going to school and taking care of kids and making the National Dean's List (for part of that time I was the YW president in my ward)...I would always tell them it was because my X was supporting me. He was very good at coming home from work and making dinner while I studied, or went out the door to go to class. He would take the kids to the park for the afternoon so I could finish a paper. He would do so many things that seemed supportive...then it seemed that he would change and be mad that I was successful. I had many friends tell me that he seemed to not want me to be so successful. I asked my X one time what he wanted me to do...do you want me to ask to be released?  Should I tell them no?  He would never answer....

Before I moved...I was trying very hard to help my bishop understand what I felt was going on in our marriage. I remember telling him that I thought my X was 'intimidated' by me and he responded, "Why would anyone shy away from something that is strong? Christ is strong and we all want to be like Him?" But I just felt he would have been much happier with a 'barefoot and pregnant' kind of wife that didn't want to do anything. So...moving on to my 2 daughters.

My daughters are simply amazing. They are strong and intelligent and 'alive'. I am so proud of who they are...yet they feel that their father rejects them. My oldest daughter is almost ready to go on a mission (President Monson's talk regarding new mission age)...her father has made comments that imply, "Don't go on a mission or you will end up like your mother." Her little brother told her...you need to finish school and get married...that is what the prophet says to do. Now seriously, a little boy is going to come up with that?  REALLY?  I have joked with a friend that my daughter is probably going on a mission partly BECAUSE her dad doesn't want her to.  But he did finally tell her that he was ok with it...but doesn't want to help her financially...he is too busy trying to keep my teenage son happy and promising him a car. 

What is the problem with being a strong woman?  My teenage son (very close to his dad) has also said...the girls going on missions are competing with the guys...it's a guy thing to go on a mission...it is too hard for guys to keep up if the girls do everything the guys do...wow...that's sad!

What a shame that pornography is so rampant and it is causing men to want to 'keep women down' and aren't feeling the drive to 'rise up together' and becoming an incredible couple that strives to be obedient to the Lord's commands...I guess that is only 'one' of the many, many, many reasons that pornography and other addictions destroy families...and that is what Satan is trying to do...one family at a time.

We need to help our children become powerful and strong...and be supportive to each other...to follow the example of Our Savior and truly want what is best for those around us.

Tuesday 3/12/13
You know...I have been thinking about this...I used to be so strong...and I am finally starting to feel it come back...I hope it does come back...I think it will...I was at RS meeting tonight...we had a big 3 ward combined meeting...they asked me to say the closing prayer...no big deal.

We had a LDS author speak..so I tried to thank the Lord for the good that she shared and remember how much we help and support each other. When I finished I made eye contact with the speaker and she looked at me and said..."That was a wonderful prayer". The cool part of it...I felt that I truly spoke from my heart...a few months ago I would have been concerned about if I 'said the right things' or if I 'sounded ok' and tonight...I was just glad I had a chance to talk to my Father in Heaven and ask Him to help us stay strong as women...and that was it..no little 'running monologue' to put me down or make me stress out or add anxiety to my day...now THAT was nice.  So...maybe I am getting stronger...I moved about 3 years ago...I am thinking this summer I should go back and visit my old friends and see how that feels...I wonder if they will see a difference...I don't want to 'show off' but just be grateful for the help and love I have received from my Heavenly Father...and I want to share it...I don't know if that makes any sense or not...

Sigh...sometimes healing sucks...just saying...