Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

Christmas as a single mom and traditions and control issues...

I survived Christmas. The last time I had my kids on Christmas day I was married and my mother was alive. Sigh..

I had to work the week leading up to Christmas break and then I had some work to do the first part. I was trying so hard to 'keep everyone happy' and make cookies and candies to give away...I was not very successful at 'making new traditions'. I found myself doing all the work and not wanting to 'start anything' and ask the kids to do anything that might turn into an argument. So a good portion of Christmas vacation was spent with the boys playing video games and me working in the kitchen. Wow...that's helping them to be competent and hard working adults...NOT!

I think I'll need to work on helping my kids to understand that all those 'stories' that 'everyone else' talks about...all those fun things that 'all the other families do' are often things the kids don't want to do initially. If I was in a home with a supportive husband...there would be a different 'feeling' of obedience when I said 'we' were going to do something. If 'we' were all going to make cookies together, everyone would do it...albeit there might be some grumbling...but they would do it. Because my son now lives with his dad...and I struggle to 'be firm', my kids have figured out if they put their foot down I will often 'cave in' and let them do what they want. My youngest is constantly saying...I'll just go to dad's like my brother. That is not good for them or me. A big problem with that is they don't have the same 'buy in' with being part of my home. I can't tell you how many times I was told while in college the importance of children feeling needed. The best and easiest way for a child to feel needed is to give them jobs and responsibilities.

My daughter on her mission is doing fabulous...I am so proud of her! The biggest thing they do is 'service'. I am thinking there is a key there I need to recognize and apply with my children in my home. Sigh...

Then it is time for my kids to go see their dad...they don't all want to go...I'm not going to force them. This now turns into my kids coming and going all week with me never knowing what is happening. They tell me they are going to 'a friend's house' and I assume it is ok with their dad...it is HIS week. He is supposed to be 'taking care of them', right? I really would like to have a 'break' and just do what I want with no worries about what is happening with them...but I want them to know they are always welcome in my home. Sigh...some days I feel I can't win for losing.

Then my oldest son goes off about how Christmas is for families and he doesn't see any family around (grandmas and grandpas, aunts, uncles, etc.). Well, I can't argue that one...but I do have people that care about me...that is all I can do.

I did go out of town for a few days over the weekend, when they first went to their dad's house. I think that was a good idea...it helped them to just 'go'. So I do feel that I am trying to some degree to support their visiting their dad. I just struggle with making them think they 'have' to go.

I keep telling my kids that I hope they will stay close as they grow up because they have to 'work' now on loving each other and getting along. I hope this will help them to always remember it is worth the effort to stay close. I guess only time will tell.

I am sometimes amazed and how much sadness I can tolerate with the hope that my children will be happier. Mother's guilt?

Opening My Heart Affects Everything.....

I am still communicating with my 'online guy' and wondering about it...I know, big surprise, huh?

I do think that I am developing more trust in him...and that is a marvelous thing. Does this mean I won't get hurt, no. But it does mean that I am willing to 'put my heart' out there and see what happens.

I will say that I am feeling myself change in a good way. I was sitting in church yesterday...I have been praying lately to be able to 'better hear' what the Lord is trying to tell me...ok, I'll be honest I've been praying about that for awhile...maybe months?  I guess it is a 'work in progress'...

Anyway...as I was sitting in church...I was just feeling how much I loved my kids and the speakers were all talking about the Trek...and I could see my 2 kids that were on the Trek really listening..and feeling the Spirit. As I sat there I was so grateful for the ability I had to be able to 'see outside myself' and be aware of what my kids were feeling.

I was talking to 'my guy' and discussing how things were 'different' and he made the comment that no one had ever listened to me before...I told him that I had very good friends that listen...and he smiled and said, 'I mean in a relationship.' Ok..I'll give him that one...my relationship experiences with men that would listen to me and could express their feelings about me to me...yeah...that kind of hasn't happened yet.  The key to this thought is 'yet'.

I remember when I first started thinking I needed to 'look for a man' one of the thoughts were that if I could 'open my heart' to a man that it would also allow me to 'better love my children'. I don't know why I thought that...but it just made sense. I remember when I was realizing how much of my heart had shut down because of my abuse...that when I started remembering..I couldn't remember just the good, I had to also remember the bad. So I guess that is why I was thinking that if I was going to love a man...it would open my heart and help me to better love my children. Having him 'truly listen' to me has made me so much more aware of how I need to 'truly listen' to my children. The more I think about this..the more I will be eternally grateful that I have met my 'online guy' and that he helped me to open up my heart.

I feel different now...I am not sure exactly what is happening...I am not sure exactly why...but I think I am finally starting to feel 'comfortable in my own skin'. As I was working over the weekend...and I was walking around...looking at people...more aware of eye contact...really 'looking' at who they are and how they are doing. I got joking around with some of my co-workers and I realized that they were being drawn towards me...they were all laughing and smiling...and just having fun. I thought about how it had been awhile since I have been that way...and it felt really good. I am not 'freaking out' so much wondering what others are thinking of me...man it feels good.  Don't get me wrong...I have a ways to go...and I am not oblivious to what people are thinking or feeling about me...I am just not 'worried' about it and I am noticing that I am getting closer to where I want to be.

Oh..did I tell you...my counselor is going to change offices...so...looks like I am weaning myself off counseling also...I guess I am making progress...

If you are reading this and struggling with issues...whether they are like my issues or not...please Don't give up!

Life is a struggle...I know that...I have struggled...I am struggling...but if we can just 'stay true' to knowing who we are...a child of God...born of royal birth...with unlimited potential..and now that yeah...sometimes life just SUCKS...but we just gotta keep going...keep that eternal perspective...and we will make it..

One of my friends was talking to me...she knows about my blog...I told her I was doing better...and that she could read my blog if she didn't believe me...she said, "I don't need to read your blog to know that you are doing better...I can see it in your face."

Healing feels good...

Meeting single men, dating? porn? When to ask...is it a deal breaker?

I must confess...'creepin on guys' (as my daughter calls it) has been fun now for a couple of weeks. But...the whole relationship issues are stirring up all kinds of stuff...

Ok..so I was having fun messaging a guy that really wasn't ready for anything more than friends...that was nice. I can handle that...then he makes me his 'favorite'. I still am not sure what that means...and then he changes his profile and says 'the water is too cold'. Well...what are you doing making me a favorite?

Ok...another thing I am noticing...guys don't seem to answer half the questions you ask them...what is up with that?  Isn't the point to get to know people? Aren't you on the website because you want to 'get to know people'?  Well...how the heck are you going to get to know them if you don't TALK to them?  Seriously, how will you know?

So...I email the guy and make sure I haven't given him the wrong impressions...I panic for a day or so...you see, I had talked about pron...then it occurs to me that maybe HE has porn issues...and now he is mad...and then my mind just spins off from there...

But I think about the fact that if he does have porn issues...is that a deal breaker?

So...my first reaction is YES!  No way in hell will I live with someone that cannot connect with me emotionally...that will cheat on me in their mind...I will not relive what I just got out of!

Then...I think...how many guys will that eliminate from my options?  Is that a bad thing? What if they have truly gone through the repentance process? I have seen those video clips that the couples sit there holding hands and talking about how they never thought they would make it...but they stuck together and now their relationship has depth they never imagined...

That, of course, makes me think I was such a failure in my marriage...that I gave up. I was the one that walked away. But I think the difference is that those videos have men that were willing to admit their problem and 'work' towards overcoming it...I don't think my X was even close to that. I keep thinking of him yelling at me in the car...asking why I would leave him...telling me, "I have never cheated on you with a man or a woman, well...maybe in my mind...but that doesn't count."  That doesn't sound like someone that is repentant and trying to change...you know?

Anyway...back to dating...

Wow...I have come full circle...I wrote down about 3 months ago that I would never allow a man to touch me intimately again...and here I am...stressing about wanting a relationship with a guy I have only seen pictures of and read a profile. To make it worse, I don't even know if it is true. Combine this with the many spiritual and uplifting experiences I have had over the past month or so and it pretty much screams to me...I need to pursue the idea of finding a man...

Then...I get thinking about the fact that there are so many women out there that are single...smart, beautiful, incredible women...what makes me think that someone as damaged as me has a chance?

Then I start thinking about how damaged I am...

I ponder what really went wrong in my marriage...my abuse issues...

Sigh...I think that might be a whole new post...

And to think .....I WANTED to come to earth to experience all these emotions and have all these 'mortal experiences'....wow...must be some kind of greater good at work..that is for sure...

Disassociation and Loving My Children...sigh...

Well...my daughter leaves on her mission in a couple of weeks...I am very excited for her!

Of course this means that she has been spending all kinds of time with me and seems to LOVE simply being around me...oh yeah...it figures...NOW she loves me :)  Now that she is leaving for 18 months....kids....

This started me thinking...(yeah...I can hear you say...EVERYTHING starts me thinking)...I started thinking about how I feel about my daughter...and I am realizing that my love for her is getting deeper...I am truly feeling connected to her...someone mentioned to her at the Temple that she didn't look like a 'first timer' and she was so proud of that...she responded..."Well..why should I be nervous...I went to prep class and you were right there taking care of me." That started me thinking about trust...and emotional connections...and how much I love my kids and the fact that I have always felt in the back of my brain that I didn't love my kids as much as other parents did...I know when they were little and other parents would miss their kids so much when they would leave them...like girls camp or whatever...I was never one to miss my kids...It just added to my list of things I was a failure at as a parent...

I am starting to wonder if I have been holding my kids 'at arms' length'?  Am I so afraid to love that I can't even love my kids?  Do I disassociate when my feelings for my kids gets too intense? Is part of my son's frustration (the one that lives with his father) with me the fact that he is extremely sensitive and feels that I don't love him?  Wow...that one could hurt deep...

I remember my counselor saying a long time ago..."I remember when I read your profile, I thought, here is a woman that thinks her divorce is all her fault." I think she told me that when I was trying to understand the depth of my X's addictions and their effects on me and our family. I am wondering if her opinion has changed since all my 'dirty laundry' has come into the light? I am SOOOO tired of feeling that everything is my fault...that I am all messed up...that I have all this 'work' to do to be stronger emotionally...that so much of my life is screwed up because of the abuse that happened to me...I just want to live my life...but I don't have my life because of all the 'baggage'....guess that means I better go to my counseling session tomorrow....

The Temple, Elegance and Exponential Improvement

I was my daughter's escort yesterday...what a wonderful experience...wow...sigh...all of that and more.

My daughter talked about going just she and I. She has been having a 'internal moral debate' ever since she decided to go on a mission trying to decide if she wanted her father there...I have to say..it broke my heart a few times...she decided at the last minute that she shouldn't exclude him...so that is what we did...sigh...

Most of his family doesn't like me anymore (ok...let's say all of his family doesn't like me except 2 sisters in law) ...this was 'cemented' in my unconsciousness when my son one time commented, "Uncle ---- ....hates you now!"  Yeah...thanks...he used to be one of my favorite brothers in law too...it doesn't help that my X has a huge family...so many more people to hate me...sigh...

Anyway...we were at the Temple...things were going well...I felt my mother's presence so strong...she is so proud...so many family members are...I was trying to feel good about myself and know that I was doing the right thing...I was smiling (at least a time or two) towards his family (well...except the sister in law that likes me...she comes up to hug me every time she sees me and tells me how much she loves me...she is definitely the exception).

When we were finished and back in the changing room and I was waiting for my daughter...I saw my X's mother sitting there and thought...Ok...be the better person...it won't kill you to go ask if her family is ok or something simple like that....As I start to walk over there...a woman walks by me and looks me straight in the eye and says, "What a beautiful blouse you are wearing"  gives me a beautiful smile and walks away...I am wearing the blouse I bought for my mother's funeral...when I wanted to feel pretty and let my mother know that I was doing my best to be beautiful to honor her....so I walk over to stand near my X's mother...she is talking to someone and while I am waiting...feeling a little anxious...wishing I didn't have to feel this way...wishing I had some family of my own to tell me they were proud of me..wishing I could share this with someone that truly loved me...wishing my brothers weren't such jerks...wishing that I was not alone...I notice a lady is folding her clothes up and looks at me with a smile and says, "What an elegant lady!" She was actually talking kind of loud for the Temple.I smile at her and she continues, "I have been watching you today...you are beautiful, simply elegant...I saw you walking across the parking lot when you came in." I just kind of looked at her for a minute and I started to tear up...I walked over to her and thanked her for saying what she had said. She just smiled and said, "I just love tall women and I have been watching you...I just wanted to tell you."  We chatted for a few minutes and then I saw his mother leave without even looking at me...my daughter came out and then we left...guess I didn't really need to talk to her.

I think my mother was looking for people to tell me what she wanted to tell me but I couldn't hear...as I thought about it..the feelings that I had...there was a different intensity to the things this women said to me...I truly feel that my mother was communicating with me...I feel her love so strong...I know that those we love are close...they are here for us...they want to help us...they want to tell us how much they care...how proud they are of us...they want us to know we are not alone...

I was talking to my daughter...she made a comment a few weeks ago..asking if things were going to get better or worse while she was gone on her mission...I told her I hoped they would get better...

This concern of hers has now changed to..."I am excited to see how things are going to be when I get back...I know they will be different...I mean it...I AM excited...you are getting exponentially better..and well.. and that just makes everything better...I am excited to see how things are when I return.

Oh my dear child...I am excited to see how things are when you return also....

Counseling, Kids and "What the heck are you expecting?"

So...my oldest son (still a teenager) moved in with his dad...but hey...what teenager wouldn't want to move from a room he is sharing with 2 brothers to an apartment with his own room and basically no rules?  Can't blame him too much...gotta say...Part of me thinks it is a huge blessing since I am dealing with so much stuff I don't think I have the emotional energy to deal with him also...maybe the Lord is looking out for me...

Unfortunately, living with his dad means he 'hears' his dad a lot.  He is beginning to 'act' like his father more and more all the time...I am hoping that I am just 'over sensitive' to it and imagining it, that would be nice. He came over last night for Mother's Day...barely talked to me. He acts like he is no longer part of the other kids...I think part of him likes it and another part of him hates it. He told me on facebook the other night that I 'don't treat him like the other kids'. I ask him what he is expecting me to do? He starts in with 'I don't respect him' I said things about him in front of him to his counselor (this was over a year ago). Ok, first off..yeah...I probably said that to the counselor...but I would NEVER say that to the counselor in front of him...I'm not that stupid! He starts in with all his word twisting...it was weird...I suddenly stood up and was very intense and angry...it wasn't out of control...it was just extremely intense...I felt that I was yelling...but I didn't seem to be...

We were on our way over to a friend's house for dessert...I tell him..."You can make a choice...be respectful and polite and go with us or go back home to your dad's house." He tried to tell me I 'kicked him out' of the house...I kept re-stating that I was simply giving him a choice.  We finally left...his older sister decided to stay home with him...and I found out later that my son burst into tears as soon as I left...who'd a thought? They (my son and daughter) did come over just as we were leaving....which I gotta say...kind of surprised me.

We came back to the house and he actually came back in...he and his sister talked for quite a bit...she ended up taking him home - technically his dad was supposed to come pick him up...

My daughter came up to me and said she learned some things from him while they talked...she asked him if she could tell me and he said, "Whatever works". She then tells me...he isn't mad at you you know?  Really? This was a surprise...seriously...you can talk to me like that and still like me?  I just don't get it...

I remember when he was little...w hen he would get in trouble he would just keep up the attitude and behavior problems...it appeared like he could just not 'stop' his cycle of behavior.  I remember my daughter telling me, "I think he gets himself in a hole and doesn't know how to get out so he keeps fighting....I think she was quite inspired....

So...I am trying to figure out what to think...he is basically a great kid...he is EXTREMELY angry with me about the divorce (again, my X has not taken any responsibility whatsoever) and isn't able to handle really strong emotions. He is more sensitive than most kids about basically anything...I was 9 months pregnant with him when my nephew (17 years old) died suddenly. Plus, he seems to be very 'emotionally immature' so this is not a good combination...

His father has convinced him that counseling is stupid and he doesn't need it...although he seems to be letting his sister 'teach him' what she is learning in counseling...I guess I'll go with that for now...

Wow...my kids in some ways are soooooo messed up...in other ways are very together...in other ways confused...maybe they are more normal than not? I keep thinking about my daughter that is getting ready for her mission...she asked me, "Will things be better or worse when I come back?"  Oh my dear child, I will be praying everyday that they will be better!

Divorce is not for wimps!

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

She needs to rescue me?

Ok...had some time this morning (we have late church) and so I am trying to think what I can do to 'move along my healing process'. This is kind of an awkward thought because I have been told 'umpteen times' that I need to 'go with the flow'...which I am not very good at. I felt such a relief on Friday...and I have been wondering about that...but now it has kind of gone to a 'zombie no feeling' feeling...this makes me think I am avoiding again...I don't want to do that...which I guess is the whole point of me trying to heal...Anyway...

So...I start thinking back to my last counseling session and trying to see if I can get into that 'place' again.  I have been thinking about the 'wall' I have up and what color it is...what it feels like to run my hand over it...is it cold and hard...soft and penetrable? And I got thinking about how I felt that my wall was crushing me during counseling...so I got to thinking that maybe I just needed to 'walk through it'. So I try to think about my 'wall' and what color everything is...I think it is a 'dusty rose' color...I think it is a cross between the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group of people that 'go back in time' and hide in a sanctuary and the blind girl gets sent to 'the town' to get medicine. Or perhaps it is an old English wall like in the movie 'Secret Garden'? It has some ivy here and there...not a lot...

I am thinking about how I felt my wall expand...and start thinking that if it can expand..then it is flexible and I can perhaps penetrate it and walk through it. I am trying to visualize myself reaching through the wall...like in the movies when someone can do something they didn't think was possible...I am trying to imagine reaching out to the 'little girl inside' of me and thinking about how I  will 'save' her. I am lying in bed...thinking how I can do this...how does it feel?  How does it look?  What color is it? I am not having much luck...I curl up and grab my knees...the other day I seemed to make a lot of progress when I was curled up in a ball and rocking...it almost seemed to feel like I was able to connect with her because I was 'rocking and comforting her'?  I don't know...sometimes I feel like I am 'psycho' but it seems to make me feel better so I am going with it. Well, after about an hour...I am not having much luck. I am saying a prayer...thanking the Lord for all he has given me, my children, my daughter that will be leaving on a mission, my son that has been staying over this weekend, we had some fun together last night, etc.

I am trying to visualize helping the little girl inside of me...then I start thinking about what is on the other side of the wall...and I start to think that 'she' is there...and thinking about how I feel that 'she' can feel the Spirit, she KNOWS the love of our Savior, etc. I sit up and think I need to move on and do something more productive (like maybe make breakfast for my kids?). And I look at a picture on the wall...the one of the upper body of Christ from the side and he is hugging a little girl...she is being held by him with her face on His shoulder and her arms around his neck and he is loving and holding her. As I look at this picture it occurs to me that she is on the other side of the wall with Him. She is not alone, I am. She is not scared, I am. She knows what is going on...It is me that doesn't. There is nothing scary on the other side of the wall..there is nothing but love and acceptance. I am not the rescuer...I am the person that needs to be rescued. She needs to come bring me through the wall...

As soon as I started thinking this...tears began to flow...I know it is what I need to do...now I just need to figure out how to do it.  I guess that is progress?

Is there a shift? I am feeling different....I still have a wall...

Today is kind of weird...I can't quite figure out how I feel. I know that I am feeling more peace that I have felt for awhile. It is kind of nice really...I am working on being in a place where I can sit back and see what is happening. I don't want to 'react' to things...I want to 'act' I want to be able to see a situation and then feel what I should do...I want to follow the inspiration the Lord is sending me...it is fast Sunday...I think my ward is tired of me sharing my testimony...I feel that I do it too often...yet I know that I have something to share..something that stirs my soul..sigh...

I am still working on trying to 'feel and hear' the Holy Ghost. I still sense that I have a wall that prevents me from truly feeling and believing what the Lord wants me to know. I know my counselor asks 'why did you put the wall up?' or 'Do you still need the wall?' and I guess my first response is...'No, I don't need the wall.' but I still feel afraid to not have it and I am not exactly sure how to bring it down. Some days I seem to be able to feel it...walk along it...run my hand over it...it seems to be white with a little bit of soft pink color. It is high...reminds me of the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group that left society and sent the blind girl to get medicine from the 'towns'. I wonder what is on the other side...I like to think that I can imagine anything that could be there...hence, there should be no surprise...but then I get back to..I don't know what is there...

I was reading the book 'Visions of Glory' (as told to John Pontius) and he talks about his work with abused children. He talks about Christ's role in the healing of children that have been abused. "to go with them to those dark and evil places in their hearts and to retrieve them - snatch sometimes, or coax them, with the help of Christ - out of that darkness into the light. They experience a type of being born again. When an adult or child will submit to this process and allow me to act as Christ's agent in guiding them through this, they are healed of that abuse completely and permanently..." (page 64)  He talks of being able to see your self as Christ sees you. Maybe that is what my problem is...I am afraid to go all the way 'down' and therefore I cannot fully 'come out'?

I wonder if this means I need to truly understand and comprehend my abuse...I think I 'skirt around' it sometimes...not fully realizing what it is...not wanting to comprehend...trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad...I have asked my counselor why my abuse was 'so bad' and it becomes one of those conversations that turn into..."If I tell you it won't have the same significance as you finding out for yourself". I hate those kind of conversations....

Well...maybe this is something for me to ponder today as I fast...and perhaps it is something that I can address in counseling this week...

Counseling is not for the weak minded...sigh....

Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.

I pay HIM child support? Really? Well...it is worth it to not have to sleep with him.

Well...I am not too sure what to say...but I went to court again (I wish I could get 'frequent flyer' miles or something for all the time I have spent in that court room - I will say the security guys at the door don't recognize me yet so maybe it isn't as bad as it could be). My X has been unemployed for almost 10 months and since I now have 2 jobs he took me back to court to discuss child support. I informed the court that he was getting money from his mother...the judge asked him about it and my X said he isn't anymore since 'it had a negative effect on his child support'. The judge said, "Don't you realize your primary obligation is to provide for your family?" He didn't even get it...

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh!

I dressed up...and I do think it helped a little. The judge was trying to work it through the system...and I do think that I got a little more respect from him because I had made effort to look nice. (Side bar...I am trying to dress nicer...I am recognizing that if I have more respect for myself - others will respect me more also). As he figured out the child support (I have 2 jobs he has none) it started as me owing him $250 a month and the judge got it down to a little less than $100) It just makes me so mad I want to cry. It is so wrong...

I had a counseling appointment after...I figured I would need it...and yeah...I did...

I called my friend on my way to my appointment and we joked about it was worth paying him to be able to have the Spirit in my home and to not have to sleep with my X. He finally changed his 'facebook status' to single so maybe he is giving up on me 'coming back after I deal with my mental issue'. It is a good thing I have friends...or I don't know where I would be. She reminds me of how 'she warned me' what a jerk he would be...granted...that doesn't help me...but I will say I never thought he would be this bad...he seems to be so angry and in such a dark hole. I still don't think he is admitting any responsibility. I can't believe how easily he lies..He is taking a 'class' I can't figure out if it is one night a week or two...I think it is the 'Addiction Recovery Program' but I am not sure...maybe it is just counseling...man...he needs a  lot of it...and then some more...

I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants...and the Institute Manual states:

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

“The Church and its members are commanded by the Lord to be self-reliant and independent. (See D&C 78:13-14

“The responsibility for each person’s social, emotional, spiritual, physical, or economic well-being rests first upon himself, second upon his family, and third upon the Church if he is a faithful member thereof.

“No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family’s well-being to someone else. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Lord and with his own labors, he will supply himself and his family with the spiritual and temporal necessities of life. (See 1 Timothy 5:8.)” (In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, p. 124; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, pp. 77–78.)

Ok...gotta confess...I sent this to him in an email...my guess is I will get some rude 'something or another' back from him...probably not the most 'Christ like' behavior from me...but then again...I am up at 4am...

I am not responsible for him, he has family and resources...I should not be one of his resources... 

My bishop is being pretty cool...good thing I am a faithful member...

gotta say...I don't know where I would be if I wasn't a faithful member...maybe I'd be sucked down that black hole with him...man...what a mess that would be...

I have cried a few times this evening...while trying to figure out what part was making me cry I thought...a big part is that I was trying so hard to 'take care of myself' and it just keeps falling apart...so frustrating...

I know the Lord is aware of my needs...I know the Lord loves me...I know the Lord knows my daughter wants to go on a mission and is working hard to do her part...I guess I just need to 'know and remember' that the Lord has a plan...Faith...I guess I am still working on that First Principle of the gospel...

Is there hope for my kids? I pray it is so...every day!

My X has been trying to get my younger son to move in with him.  I don't like the idea...I think that separating the kids is exactly like the first judge told us..."separation of siblings can cause irreparable damage" and that is what is happening.(my teenage son moved in with his dad about 6 months ago and it is causing a ton of issues amongst my kids)  My X is hoping my younger son will want to go to his ward, of course we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward you live in...something that my X has argued many a time over the years before now...but now he is constantly trying to tell my son he needs to demand to me that I take him to 'daddy's ward'. (It is in the neighboring stake)

So...last Sunday my youngest tells me he doesn't want to go to church...says he likes dad's church (ward) better and I can't make him go. I will confess that I threatened...started getting him changed myself...and nothing was working...the home teacher had come over earlier and offered to come 'drag him to church'. I was getting so frustrated because I felt that I just had no control or authority in my home. I felt that I would never be the respected adult in my home.  I was worried that if I don't let him do what he wants he will move in with his dad like his brother...yet if I can't be the 'adult/parent' in my own home what kind of person is my son going to grow into? As I am sitting there pondering what to do...thinking that if I went to church and 'let him stay home' I would never be able to get him to do anything...I finally decided to just leave him and go to church.

I get up and I am mad...but not..I feel that I am out of control angry but I am not out of control...so I turn to him and say, "I am really hurt that you don't want to go to church with me. They asked me to talk in Primary, I don't want to talk to the kids in Primary, I want to talk to YOU.  I want to share my testimony with you during Primary because YOU ARE MY SON!" It was kind of like controlled rage. And I walked out the door and went to church and tried not to cry.

As the Sacrament is starting in he comes...huffing (he had run the 1/2 mile to church) and 'slams right up against me' as only a 10 year old boy can. I put my arm around him and hold him tight the whole meeting. I tell him that I love him..he is leaning against me, head on my shoulder, leg against mine and barely moves. As he gets ready to leave for Primary I ask him, "Can you feel how much I love you?" He says yes....

After I do my part in Primary he comes over to me and says..."That was a really cool story" and repeated that a few more times on the way home. He then says, "After you left I felt like I had made the biggest mistake of my life" I tell him, "Do you know the best part of that?" He responds, "That I said I made a mistake?"

"No" I reply. "The best part is that you made a mistake and then you fixed it!" It was a good day...

Do I know what changed his mind?  No...did my son need to feel that 'I wanted him'?  Did my son feel my sincerity? Did my son decide it matter if I was upset? Do all my efforts regarding my 'gotta keep it together' attitude communicate to my kids (mainly my boys) that I don't care?  Is this something that is being supported by their dad?  I know he says a lot of cruel things about me...I know he is hurt and angry...it would be hard to hear things as a child and not know if they are true. I know my daughters have told me that sometimes it is hard to know what is true because their dad says lots of things and 'Mom..you don't say anything." Maybe it is ok to show my emotions?  Maybe I don't need to be 'nerves of steel' but just be a caring mom...

Later there was a problem with my older boy and I couldn't believe how my daughters handled it. They were trying to make sure that everyone had 'their say'  that no one was getting too emotional or upset...that all feelings were listened to...don't get me wrong...it was not necessarily pretty...but what was incredible was that all my kids were trying to get along and demonstrating by how they were talking that they loved each other.

As I looked at my kids and thought about the feelings that were in the room I thought..."There is hope for my kids!" They have rough roads ahead, but everyone has a rough road ahead. They aren't 'shying or shirking' away from their problems...they are doing their very best to 'deal and rise above'. I look at the type of person they are going to become...I think of the type of parent they will be...I guess it is best summed up by a discussion my child shared with me...they were talking to their counselor and was asked, "Do you think this is going to make it hard for you to have a good relationship later and marry?" My child's response, "No! I think this is going to make my relationship better because I deserve it and I know what I want!"

Is there hope for my kids?  YES!

Are my kids going to continue to struggle?  YES

Will I ever stop loving them? NO

Will the Lord ever stop loving and guiding them? NO

Am I glad I am divorced? YES...but I wouldn't wish it on my worst enemy....

Co Parenting Counseling and the Jerry Springer Show

Ok...
I am sure it is pretty obvious by now that I struggle having any kind of communication with my X.  I will assume that the people reading my blog are fairly intelligent and 'get that'....hope I didn't offend anyone :)

Anyway...after the mediator says our kids/family is being divided by the actions of my X and I and the 'parenting plan' (visitation, etc.) is not in the best interest of the children the judge says we need 'co parenting' counseling....sigh...

I start checking around for someone to do it...and I get one guy to call me back and he says..."I have to confess...if you hadn't mentioned who referred you to me I would not have called you back...no counselor likes to do 'co parenting counseling'." He then asked if I have ever seen the Jerry Springer Show...he mentions that the concept of having 2 people that can't stand each other to work through sharing kids is a nightmare that no counselor wants.  As he put it in that perspective, I could understand his point.

Now...gotta say...my counselor friend tells me there is an actual 'co parenting protocol' that her county uses and they actually have a list of issues they go through..how to communicate...switch kids etc...but I don't know of that in the county where I live...so...I am back to counselors...

Well...my X mentions that the counselor we went to for 'marriage counseling' might do it.  I, of course, was struggling with insurance issues and trying to find an LDS counselor and someone that worked during the hours I was off...and someone that I would like...all very difficult to do...so when my X suggested our old counselor I 'jumped on the idea'.  After all, our marriage counselor 'totally got me' and 'had my back' why would I not want to go back to him...

So...fast forward to sitting with our marriage counselor...my X starts complaining about the same old stuff...most of it is stuff that happened at the very beginning of our separation...as I am sitting there it occurs to me...he has so NOT MOVED ON! He is worried about who to blame...I won't let the kids see him...I schedule activities so they don't want to see him...I over schedule and involved them in extra activities...like teenagers in a 2 parent household would stay home every weekend and sit around playing video games with their dad?

I starting seeing that the counselor 'gets it' and I don't have to respond or defend everything my X said...that was a nice feeling...I still need to support how I feel, but I didn't feel the 'desperate need to protect myself'. I am hoping that is progress?

So...we survive our first session of 'co parenting counseling' and then on to getting my son some counseling.

This is the counselor that referenced the Jerry Springer Show...well..that is pretty much what it turned into...

I couldn't believe it..he finally asked my son to wait outside while he talked to my X and I.  My X said all kinds of crazy things...everything from...'she is using counseling to blame me for the divorce' to 'I have family that has dealt with divorce and counseling screwed up their kids' to 'I like counseling but they don't need it...they are normal teenagers and counseling won't change the fact that their parents are divorced' to 'if we take the kids to counseling they will think they have a problem'. I was impressed with the counselor..he weathered it well...and I gotta confess...reminded me of 'The Jerry Springer Show' and when the guests would be saying the most ludicrous things...and arguing over the most stupid issues...I am glad there was not a video camera...I will say I didn't feel on the 'defense' like I have in the past...the need to 'protect my image' or 'justify my actions' and I am getting better at keeping my mouth shut...so maybe I am progressing...

I will say that my knowledge of 'counseling buzz words' was beneficial...I felt I could explain why I wanted my son in counseling and what I hoped he would get out of it...

Why do I want my kids in counseling?  Well...I get that some counselors just cause issues...and are trying to pay their 'mortgage' and perhaps will continue to see people as long as the person is willing to come and not make plans...others truly want to 'help' those that have more 'drama/trauma' then they can handle...the best thing I have learned in counseling?  How to separate what I can change and 'rethink' how to deal with what I can't change...that part of it has been a huge help...so...do I want my kids to have that knowledge and ability?  Heck ya!  Do I feel that my kids have had more than a 'normal share' of drama/trauma?  Yes!  Do they deserve to have the best shot possible at 'healing'?  Yes!  So...do I support counseling?  Yes I do.  Even if I don't like it some days :)

So...my son's first counseling session didn't work out as we hoped...but he will get another one next week. My son did ask me if we (my X and I) were going to be in there during his session...I told him no...he was obviously relieved...

Well...if anyone else out there has any suggestions on how to better survive all the 'together time' and counseling...feel free to let me know...

Kids deserve the opportunity to learn how to 'deal' and more importantly 'heal' from the challenges that are put in their path...if we as parents don't have those skills or tools...I feel we need to find a way for our children to learn them from others...but that is just my opinion...

If I wanted to see you I would have stayed married!

Ok...can you just say 'X' overload?
I see him at my son's sports games...I see him at my daughter's musical performance...I see him at co-parenting counseling (yeah...that is a couple of blogs in itself) I see him at my son's counseling...oh, and get this...he is trying to tell the counselor that the kids don't need counseling because it won't change the fact that we divorced and will make them think they have problems...

I have told the kids so many times...things have happened that affect them that are not their fault...it makes sense that they will get angry and frustrated...counseling will help to separate what you can change and deal better with what you 'can't change'. The whole session was basically my son in the waiting room and my X and I fighting over the kids getting counseling...what a mess...

It is sad that he is driving his kids away and he keeps blaming me...I don't have to do anything...then to have him say that I don't want my kids to have a dad...He has no idea how badly I want a good father for my children...

My older daughter mentioned that her counselor asked her if she was afraid that she wouldn't get married to a good person because of our divorce...she said that she had never thought that way...she feels that she will get an even better husband because of what she is seeing and learning...I started to wonder if that is not the normal response from a child of divorce?  I think I feel good about that fact that she feels that way...I am thinking it is a good thing...

I remember my counselor asking me if I was thinking about dating...I said, NO WAY I can barely handle my own life...let alone the addition of someone else...then she says..well...most people take about a year...I tell her I have been separated for over 2 and then she says, "Well, in your case..more than 2?"  Gotta say...don't know if that is good or not...

I think it is good I am not lonely...I don't feel that there is a 'hole' that needs to be filled...maybe some day...but definitely not right now...

I do wonder why he isn't dating...I wonder if he still wonders if we will get back together or not...

I told him a couple of weeks ago that I was sorry for the baggage my abuse brought to our relationship...and it totally caught him off guard...he has tried harder to smile at me when I see him...I sure hope he didn't take my apology as an interest in 'making up' No way in HELL!  Just gotta say...

And to be honest...I am not good for him either...I am not able to love and support him the way he deserves...and everyone deserves to be loved...I try to remember that...some days I do...

I will say that when we were in counseling yesterday arguing about our son getting counseling... I held it together better...flashbacks of marriage counseling...I found I did not feel as much need to 'defend' myself...I didn't react as much as I have in the past...and I feel better about that...I saw more what a HUGE cavern exists between us...how low he has gone and much better I feel about myself...that was nice to ponder...If I can just keep my mouth shut...he will 'hang himself'. I am better able to see how people see him...less need to defend myself...nice...

Survived Counseling...I know everyone was worried.

Well...I went to counseling today...no cancellations...that was good.  Work was a little better to so that helped.  All and all...not too bad of a day.

I don't have as much anxiety towards counseling as I did before...I still hate sitting there in the waiting room...sometimes I want to curl up in a ball and just rock myself...other times I want to pace...I think the first time my counselor came to get me and I was standing up looking out the window...she was nervous..wondering how I was feeling...figuring I was pretty antsy I guess.  I got an 'Uh oh...up pacing already?" Wasn't sure what to think of that...can't say as I blame her..considering some of the moods I have been in when I arrive at counseling.

My friend that is a counselor says that I need to trust my counselor more with my emotions...that my emotions are like a big tank of water and the counselor can control the spigot (if I let her that is) and I need to trust that she can let some of my emotions out and will know when to slow it down and shut it off it necessary so I can leave and function after the session...that's kind of hard for me still..

But...today went good...my counselor is in love with 'thought journals' and yes...I am wondering if she is reading this...if so, sorry...just had to say it...

So...I have been an obedient client (by choice not force) and recording my thoughts...I guess it helps...I do feel better when I can write stuff down...but then I just get to bed that much later...sigh...sleep is probably over rated, anyway...but I feel like I have too many different journals...I have a 'happy journal' that I write down good stuff and tender mercies...then I have a 'must burn before anyone sees' journal that will be burnt when full, thought journal (Mind Over Mood (book) taken from the structure of Mind Over Mood, and then another journal that has 2 parts...one...what I feel the Lord is trying to tell me through impressions and inspiration and part 2 is what stands out from counseling and what she is trying to tell me...so..yeah...it takes me awhile to go to bed...plus...I now have this blog...people are looking at it..so I am hoping it might be helping someone out there...

I think part of what helped today be better is that I have been praying and reading my scriptures more the last 8 months than I ever have...of course my patriarchal blessing tells me to do this a couple of times...but you know 'passive aggressive' me...yeah...didn't happen as much as it should have.

My counselor complimented me on my ability to actually have a 'dialogue' apparently I don't interact very well...I wonder if that is the same thing as.."can't play nice with others" you know...that box on the preschool report card? 

I want to continue working on 'feeling while thinking'. There are some things that I am trying to remember and when I think about it..I just can't stay focused on it.  I am becoming more aware of my 'brain cramps' (I think the technical therapy term is - disassociation) and trying to NOT go brain dead.  But that is easier said than done...

I find myself feeling that I am 'so close' to getting it. I feel like I can feel the Lord wants to tell me something and I feel like I just need to go 'further' or 'down one more level' and I will be there...I feel like I need to find a quite place and just truly 'commune with God' and I will get connected...but I am so busy right now...and when I do have time to try and 'ponder' I can't stay focused...extremely frustrating...just gotta say :)

So...I guess the only thing to do is just be patient (oh yeah...another thing I am not very good at) and try to be aware and not 'freak out' about it. And eventually I will be able to understand what the Lord wants me to know...

Elder Holland has said, "God is eagerly waiting for the chance to answer your prayers and fulfill your dreams, just as He always has. But He can’t if you don’t pray, and He can’t if you don’t dream. In short, He can’t if you don’t believe." (This, The Greatest Of All Dispensations CES Fireside September 2004)

Guess I need to keep working on my faith and believing....

Ok...I have control issues..counseling was cancelled

Wow...really?  How pathetic am I that I get all bent out of shape if my counseling appointment gets cancelled?

I must say I didn't get as bent out of shape this time...as I have in the past. In the past I would get all worked up...obsess that my counselor hated me...she couldn't mentally deal with having to talk to me again...of course it always made it worse when I would show up the next time...she would apologize for having to change my appointment...this would make me feel like crap...thinking I was so pathetic she felt sorry for me that I couldn't handle a minor thing like post pone a counseling session...then I would be mad at myself for worrying so much...then I get mad that I worry what my counselor thinks...then I would just get mad...

Then I would think to myself...it is no wonder I am in counseling...

Man...life can sure give you a head trip...

So...I get a call a couple of hours before my appointment...I am working...but I see the caller ID and it is my counselor..I can guess that she is going to cancel...I then talk myself out of panicking by telling myself that maybe she just wants to have me come a little later or earlier...that has happened before...

I survive till I can listen to the message...yep...my counselor is sick...so I have to reschedule...

I tell myself that lots of people are sick and it is better that I not go see her if she is not 'up to par' because it probably won't be as beneficial for me...I do think that I would be a 'mentally draining client' but maybe it is just draining on my end...

And I must say...I have so many other things I need to do that it didn't bother me too much.  I was supposed to meet with my boss anyway...and I was better off in the long run because I got through my meeting with my boss and now I am done with that...plus...

Since I didn't freak out I was feeling pretty good about myself by the time the evening came around..and that was a very good thing...

I still have to say...since realizing that she is giving me 'choices' and she will not make me do anything I don't want to do...it has dramatically dropped my anxiety level about counseling.  That in it self is an odd feeling and annoying because it makes me wonder how much anxiety I have carried around all my life thinking I have to 'do things' that I don't want to do and to try and get out of it...

Apparently I am quite 'passive aggressive' and I was starting to behave that way at work...not good...it would be a very bad thing if I was to lost my job...sigh...so I guess it is a good thing that I am realizing it and trying to control it...

And now I have counseling tomorrow...sigh...I wonder if I'll be able to get my 'heart' to talk to my head...

Sometimes I am a little 'cerebral heavy'...can you tell?

I Wish It Didn't Affect My Kids

Today I am trying to get to everything I should go to...
Sports for the kids...parties...a birthday weekend for a child...it is crazy...but good.

My son that lives with his dad makes it even harder...I feel like he just does whatever he wants...when his dad doesn't have gas money to take him anywhere..then suddenly he wants to 'stay at my house' and I feel like I am being used (Ok..it is more than a feeling...I am still a doormat sometimes) but then he comes around and he can be such a great kid...then I wish he was living with his siblings...and I know it affects them all...they all need to know they are loved by their siblings...and feel supported...regardless of which parent they are aligning themselves with...I just can't figure out how to do it.

I am glad in some ways the judge is making them go to counseling...I hope they take advantage of it. I look at them (my kids) and see how strong they are as individuals and the desires they have to do the right thing and I am sometimes overwhelmed with gratitude to a Heavenly Father that has blessed me with such incredible children...and it sometimes breaks my heart to see them go through all of this...I guess that is part of life.

I remember my daughter asking me during conference...right after the talk Can Ye Feel So Now? (Quentin Cook October 2012) if that was true...followed by..."Because dad has caused an awful lot of tears".  On one hand it breaks my heart that she would feel that way...on the other hand?  The sad thing is that her dad doesn't even realize it...how strong and powerful are the chains of addiction....

Monday 3/11/2013
My older teenage son (that lives with his dad) came over last night. I remember so well that first judge and what he said when my X tried to take some of the kids to live with him the first time..."Don't you know it can cause irreparable damage to separate siblings?" When my older son comes over..he tries to be the 'dad' and boss everyone around...my middle son is getting used to not having him around so when he shows up my middle son will pick arguments with him because he feels 'threatened'. To make a long story short..everyone is hurting and it struggling to treat each other with love and respect. I wish I could take them all to counseling...but some think counseling is a waste...I will say the ones that want to go to counseling..have a 'brighter glow'. You would have a hard time convincing me that it is not connected...those that can 'see' that things are going on in their lives and have a desire to make it better, not just blame it on everyone...seem to have a better countenance...sigh...I just don't know how to fix it.

My daughters are so hurt by how their dad treats them...they don't even want to talk to him or be around him..my X just can't see his part in the problem.  Granted, I know I am not perfect, but at least I am trying and doing what I can to make things better.

It just breaks my heart to see them hurt...after a discussion last night with a couple of my kids I told them..."I have no idea why you need to go through this...but what I do know is that it is making you stronger." I went on to talk about the kind of mother and father they would be...how they would be so loving and nurturing to their children. I told my daughter how she would marry someone that truly loved her and she would see her husband wrap his arms around their daughter and love her, accept her and she would know what it would mean to her daughter. I told my son how he would be a father that 'plays' with his children and love them and helps them to feel good about who they are...and that all I know is that their Heavenly Father loves them...I love them...and they are strong enough to come through this as a better person...

It did seem to bring a better Spirit into our home after I talked...we all cried a little...and smiled at the end.  Life is not for wimps...I can't take away their pain...but maybe I can help them to remember who they are and where they can get strength...and remind myself in the process.