How would it feel to be equally yoked? Is better all I want? Or do I want the best the Lord can give?

So...I'm still dating My Man...well..kind of dating...since we have been doing nothing but chatting for almost 2 months...lol!

We have been talking a lot and we have both discussed that the Lord is in charge and trying to help us. He made a comment once that he feels impressed that he needs to not pressure me and give me time to accept a relationship with him.  This was kind of surprising to hear...after all, I have been dating for over 2 years and I want to marry...what is he talking about?

Then I began to understand...

You see..in case you haven't noticed...I have some intimacy issues...and dating someone that I felt would just follow me around like a puppy dog (Make Out Dude) or a man that has commitment issues that I connected with intellectually but isn't into the church far enough (Movie Dude) is one thing. To have a relationship with a man that I feel is equal to me in so many ways, that wants to commit to me and values the Temple and what it stands for...is a whole new ball game.

I have had several conversations with my girls about 'intellectually compatible' and man...can I see the blessings of it with My Man. Chatting has become so fun...the word plays - innuendos - sarcasm (with kindness) and just basic jokes...the wit and speed of the conversations..I feel the intellectual stimulation and it just lights up my brain. It is like a whole new world of awareness and challenge...ok...his vocabulary is bigger than mine..for example..today...portends...really?  Does anyone use that word in regular conversation?  Granted when I goggled it there were many references to crossword/scrabble usage..But I must say...kinda like the mental challenge...

Then, the gospel...he has a totally cool conversion story...found the church on his own as a teenager and has been faithful his entire life...it means something to him...his relationship with his Father in Heaven exists and is extremely important to him. I have heard he is a fabulous Gospel Doctrine teacher...hmm...that could be fun. I remember how when I would give talks with my ex...I would usually talk most of the time and give minimal to him...he would always be nervous and talk in a monotone...I was usually very energetic and engaging...I would get lots of compliments and he would feel inferior...how nice would it be to feel that we are both are strong in the gospel and comfortable sharing our testimonies...wow...I like how I imagine that would feel.

He loves his kids...he has 3 kids...most older than mine but not by much...I remember him asking me if I would be a mother to his kids. Since she walked out on all of them...wow...that kind of made me sit and think...I do love my kids...I did always wish I had married sooner and had more kids...I have learned so much with my kids, I am finally to the point of...I just want them to know that I love them and that the Lord is there for them...always. If I can do that I will die happy.  I could do that with his kids...so sure...why not...and MY kids...they long for more family (my ex's family is good - but they don't click with their cousins) my family doesn't talk to me any more..at least my brothers with kids their ages. So yeah...my kids are pumped that he has kids...and 2 grandkids...under the age of 2. My kids are REALLY excited about that.  His kids? They always wanted more...one of his kids made the comment..."She has 5 kids?  That'd be cool!"

In fact...since we haven't been able to date...our kids have come around to being very supportive of our relationship - I think they feel sorry for us that we can't date and want to see us happy. So that is a definite plus of not dating :)

So...now we come to my issues...sigh...
I would like to think that I don't have any issues...but yeah...that obviously isn't the case...
I asked him how much he wanted to know about me...he said, as much as a person can know about someone else...so I told him about this blog.  He said that he would take time and read it...and he did.

Guess what he said? Movie Dude mentioned that I had a lot of issues and it was holding him back. So yeah...I was a little nervous that I told him about this blog...

His response?
Wow..you are so amazing!  You should write a book! It is so wonderful that you have been able to find these men that could help you grow and process to prepare you to find a man and marry.

Ok..seriously?  You aren't freaked out at all? You don't see all my crap as baggage too heavy to deal with?  wow...maybe he is the one?

He told me how his ex wife had been abused and he understood what I would need to feel safe and secure...what I would need to feel loved. I joked that I don't think the Lord could have prepared a better man for me...his response?  He got a little emotional and said that all the things that he had put in his 'damaged column' I am telling him make him a better partner for me...he can't believe it.

We both have realized that our previous marriages did not have any kind of emotional connection. There were different reasons why that was lacking...but the outcome is the same. We both struggled for many years in a marriage that was not equally yoked and we are now realizing how much more can exist in a marriage and in a relationship and what it means to have a partner at your side.

I find myself talking about intimacy a lot...ok...more than A LOT..because it is almost all I can see...I almost feel like...as long as he can love me..who cares...I will be fine...look what I put up with for so many years. I was talking to another single friend...she was saying...just because it is better than your marriage..doesn't mean it is right. Her marriage was probably worse than mine...she often jokes that I am better at being 'divorced' because my divorce became final in 6 months and she has been trying to finalize her divorce for over 7 years. She then said...dog crap is better then our marriages...just because it is better...doesn't mean it is what the Lord has in store...you deserve so much better than what you had. Wow...it really made me stop and think...she is right...I do need to take the time to make sure it is right and what the Lord wants.

So many people are telling me to 'go slow' 'make sure you really get to know him' 'get in an argument' etc....and since we haven't had a lot of time to be in the same physical space...they are right...we need to make sure that we love on a daily basis as well as be lovers.

Eternity is a long time...we can take some time to know that we are sure...

It's been awhile...my kids are surviving...

I haven't posted in awhile...
I guess that is a good thing?
I have been very busy with my kids...my daughter came home from her mission...she and her sister shared an apartment at school. It has been so wonderful to see them both interact, support each other, love each other..want to find a man and marry...(I must say I am very glad they WANT to marry..granted they are a little worried and don't want to rush into anything...but they WANT to marry).
My oldest son is doing well, has an awesome job (just graduated from high school) and is planning on going on a mission in about a year.
My 2 younger boys are surviving quite well also...

I think it has been my 'reprieve/break' for a bit.I know my work was getting pretty crazy last spring (I'm a teacher) and it has been good to have some down time.I am not sure how long it will last - but I am not going to complain.

So...what have I learned?
That time does make things better. I just had a quick conversation about porn with my 16 year old son. I was able to say that I don't want to be 'passively ignorant' about it but it is difficult to talk about for obvious reasons. He just smiled at me and said, "Yeah." Yes, the international teenage phrase for...I get it...it's alright. It made me feel good that I could say something and that he could look me in the eye and say that he knows and stays away from it. I am sure I need to continue to be vigilant..but I am making progress.

I remember asking my girls if I should have stayed with their dad...and they said, "NO, then we would have thought what you and dad had was normal and good." Good point....

My girls talk about how different they perceive marriage - the priorities they have when looking for the right man to share their life with...I really think they understand what an emotional connection is and the importance of having it in a healthy relationship.

My good friend (old roommate) and I have talked alot about losing parents. Her father just died and I have been overwhelmed with reminders of how much my parents loved me and how much I can still feel that love today. It is a huge blessing in my life. I have never felt alone, and I thank the Lord for that...He truly is there for me and for all of us. He loves us and has a plan.

I see my kids interact - argue - giggle and laugh - love each other - want to be there for each other - and I am grateful. I would like to think that the experiences over the last few years has brought them closer together. I know that with my one son moving out -- my daughters going away to school - they all know that they have to TRY if they want to get along and have a relationship. I like to think that they will be closer as adults because they already understand that good family relationships take time and energy. Maybe that is a good thing?

I can only hope and pray that it is....

Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

I want more privacy? Really? Now? I don't want to be alone any more...

I haven't written much for the last few months, I am not sure exactly why. I would like to think that in part it is because I have healed quite a bit. I feel stronger. I am more confident. That's a good thing, right?

I am still dating movie dude...I really care for him. I wish he was more 'in' at church but I know that I can't make him go to church. We will see where that goes.

I will say that I truly want to find someone and become companions and more. I want to share my life with him. I want to belong and bond to him. Part of this is Movie Dude's fault...I do kind of like him. He is helping me to realize even more what a 'real' relationship would be like and I want one.

One thing that was weird is that I still talk to my Online Guy every now and then. He has started dating someone so I haven't been texting him as much. He texted me the other day and asked if I was pulling away and moving on. We had a 'discussion' (if you can call texting a discussion) about where boundaries should be if one of us is in a committed relationship with someone. He was trying to say that we could still be friend and talk. He talked about the trust he and the girl he is dating have with each other. I was telling him that once one of us is engaged it is down to Christmas cards (like I really send those) and hi on occasion. He seemed to feel different.

I've been thinking about that and for me it isn't about trust...it is about wanting to bond to my man. It is about wanting to have such a special place for him that friendships with other men have no interest for me. I was feeling that my ability to truly commit to a man has deepened and I am glad. Sometimes I feel that if/when I marry and I am working on my relationship it will be a labor of love. I have looked around a lot these last few years and I can see in the faces of others the struggles that they have over come together and the depth it adds to their relationship. I want that.

I think sometimes that I am insane to think I could bring a man into my life...for one I have a horrible time cleaning my house...it is no pig sty...but I am just so exhausted all the time and I just don't have the energy...between having 2 jobs and my kids and trying to date...house cleaning has taken a bottom step..can you blame me?

Then I think about how working together through it all will be hard, fun, loving, happy, crabby, tiring, and deeper and richer than anything I have experienced in my life to this point. I want to do it.

I do feel some stirrings in my life...so who knows?

I have chatted a few times with a man that lost his wife suddenly, it has been a few years but he is still grieving...and understandably so. He says he wants to date and marry again...but he has kept his life full with his children and has no time. Then I wonder if I will always be thinking 'maybe if I waited'....I don't want to do that.

I was talking to a friend...he said that his friend married a woman that was not a member of the church and he married her because he loved her. Not because he wanted her to be something different, join the church after 6 months or anything...he married her because he loved her. He then asked me if I was ready to give up my dream of a temple marriage to marry him.  Good question...

But I keep telling myself that he wants to be strong in the church...and it is hard for a single man with no kids to remain active. At least he hasn't made any huge mistakes and lost his recommend...he just hasn't got one yet...

Sigh...

Well...on the up side...I am seeing some amazing progress with my kids...I guess time really does make a difference. My daughter is coming home from her mission soon. My other daughter is off to school and growing spiritually by leaps and bounds...it is truly incredible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is aware of my needs. I know it! I know that I will have all that I desire if I can just stay true...I just need to stay on the path!

Triggers and Tears...Now why am I crying?

When I was still married...my ex used to make fun of me when I cried. I was teaching Gospel Doctrine for a couple of years (this was when I think I was really starting to go down hill emotionally - I asked my counselor friend once why I would be asked to teach Gospel Doctrine when I felt so messed up - she said, "Maybe the Lord is trying to help you read your scriptures more?") I think she was right.  Anyway, at the end of almost every lesson, I would bear my testimony and I would feel the Spirit so strongly that it would bring tears to my eyes. I remember one day after church. I was sitting on the couch and my ex came home (he stayed after church for meetings) and he said to the kids, "Well, mom was crying in church again today." And the kids would like at me like, wow mom...what's wrong with you? So sad....my counselor friend told me that I was becoming more in tune to my spiritual side so it was stronger than I was accustom to and my ex was shutting his emotions out, hence he was extremely uncomfortable when I was emotional. His solution to that was to insult me when I was emotional.

So now...my kids hate it when I cry. I don't cry nearly as much as I did...but I still do cry and I am glad. My daughter on her mission has told me a couple of times that she is trying to be more comfortable with tears. Amazing the damage a parent can do, you know? I sometimes worry that my kids are afraid to feel their emotions, for fear that they will become emotional and cry and be made fun of.  Not good!

Anyway...I had to go to court the other day. My ex was trying to get child support out of me since another child has graduated from high school...yeah...because she doesn't cost any money now...whatever...

We were sitting with a lawyer/mediator before going in front of the judge and I was overwhelmed with sadness. It took all I could manage to not cry. I couldn't even look at my ex. I began to realize the sadness was coming from him. He was like this big black hole that was sucking all the goodness out of everything around him, so much anger and blame. I was realizing I didn't really care what the outcome was going to be, I just didn't want to argue and I didn't want to give him any 'fuel' to use against the kids. For example, he says my son never stays the night...true...but he comes by my house several times a week and 'raids my fridge' and I pay for his phone. So yeah...I'm supporting him...at least partially. But if I say that to my ex, he will tell my son not to come to my house...so I just kept my mouth shut. I guess it worked..because the judge denied his request. I kept wondering what was causing the tears...my counselor friend told me that I must be healing more. That maybe I could feel more of how the Savior feels towards my ex, sad that he is not making good decisions. Maybe. I know I didn't feel angry with him. It was weird to feel the tears come. I was trying to slyly (can you wipe tears away slyly?) wipe my eyes, I didn't want to look like some weak emotional wreck...but I didn't want to 'shut off' my feelings. I held it together. I would be interested now to see myself in a mirror while we went before the judge. Looking back now I think I was sitting as far away from him as possible while still sitting in the chair next to my ex. I am sure my body language was screaming..."I want nothing to do with this man!" I think I felt afraid that he would 'suck me into his negative hole'. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him. Sad...

The other day I was at my best friend's house and we were talking about dating and 'movie dude'. We were talking about control issues..I was realizing that I was still trying to 'control' things when I was with him. I would start to feel anxiety about if he was going to touch me, how he was going to touch me, etc. and so to get rid of the anxiety I would just start touching him. Well, he mentioned to me that he likes to initiate once in awhile. So that got me thinking about why I wasn't able to 'sit back' and let him come to me. I told my friend that I was feeling that any time he touched me I had to 'touch back' and to be touching him in a way that was hopefully pleasing/arousing. My friend then said, "Sounds like you need to keep your hands off him. Let him come to you." As I pondered why that seemed difficult, I began to cry. She asked me what triggered the tears...as I thought about it...I felt that I didn't deserve to have someone that would just want to touch me to show that he cared. To touch me because he just wanted to, not because I necessarily had to touch him back. He just wanted to 'give' to me. Then that made me feel like crap because I couldn't even let someone touch me and 'accept his touch' without thinking I needed to do something back, that I 'owed him' something back. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I guess it goes back to my self esteem and feeling that I am not worth loving. Sigh...I would really like to move beyond some of this...you know?

So, that brings me to today. He likes to work out at the gym and like I have said, I have been going to the gym myself. He asked if I wanted to come to the gym and we could workout at the same time. Sounds simple enough, right?  You would think so, anyway. I joke with him that, 'I'm not sure our relationship is at that level'. You know, seeing each other ugly and sweaty. He joked and said it would be fine. So...I decide to just go 'as me'. T shirt and shorts...no showered or curled hair. After all, he has been to my house when it was messy and didn't seem to care...so why try and be something that I am not, right? So...then I am driving to meet him at the gym and I start to cry. Granted, I don't necessarily enjoy crying...but I have learned that it is an indication of something and I will benefit if I can figure out what. I was trying to think about why I was crying (it was just a few tears rolling down my cheeks) and the only thing I could come up with was that I was allowing him to make judgements about my physical body and what I was doing. That he would be in a position that he could criticize me, or that I would not be good enough, that I would be doing whatever and he might tell me I am doing it wrong. It was weird...then I start having these conversations in my head (no worries, I am not crazy or possessed) with him. Afraid that he would laugh at me. Then I am trying to defend myself and tell him that it is hard for me because the track record of men in my life 'standing by me' is not very good. That made me think about my ex, about my brothers, about how I always wished growing up that I had a better relationship with my dad, etc. Yeah, I had a few more tears after that...

Finally I get to the gym. He texts me and tells me where he is. This gym is about 3 times as big as the one I usually go to. I am feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. I am afraid to go look for him. How stupid is that? So, I see him on a treadmill and I go into another room. I don't want to go up and bother him. I make some attempts to feel comfortable and start using some of the equipment. Eventually I am on a bike and he comes to find me. He was very sweet, gave me a quick kiss, smiled and chatted a minute and then he went back to his treadmill. He came back later to tell me he was about done and we set a time to meet downstairs. I play around on some machines and then I go meet him. I don't want to change clothes (didn't bring any anyway) I don't like changing in public locker rooms (garments and all) and I see that he has changed his clothes. Oh well, we shall see what happens....

He stands up and gives me a kiss, puts his arm around me (I'm still kinda sweaty) and he doesn't care. Ok, gotta say..that kind of surprised me. We pick a place to have lunch. I make a crack about my hair being 'real' and he tells me it looks just great. After lunch he walks me to my car and we kiss goodbye. Apparently, he doesn't care that I am sweaty and it is nice. :) Another thing, kissing is more fun when it is his idea...maybe I can learn to keep my hands to myself...at least until he starts things...Maybe he really does like me for me...all of me...good and bad.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Later I texted him and said I was glad he didn't care that I was sweaty...he told me sweaty can be good and he thought I was cute. It made me think about what my friend said (she met him last week) she said, "He's a keeper." As I am typing this part...I am almost tearing up. Thinking about how different my emotions are with movie dude compared to anything that I can remember feeling in my marriage. I think I am opening up my heart. Does this mean that I will marry movie dude? I have no idea. Does this mean I am not afraid of being hurt? Nope...I could be very hurt. But I feel that I need to be brave enough to try. If what I am feeling now is so much better than anything that I can remember in my marriage...I am not sure I can even imagine what it would be like to be married and make covenants with a man that truly loves me and the Lord. But I want to find out.

I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.