Flat Tire, Tender Mercies, My Wall and Now I am Better?

So...I had a crazy weekend...lots of things happened...X continues to be a jerk...at least he is consistent.

I have been thinking a lot about my wall...How high it is...what it looks like...etc...

So I am working through things...feeling pretty good Spiritually...thinking about how I 'can survive' counseling without too much stress and anxiety...and I am feeling pretty good.  I start to think that I am not feeling any anxiety and maybe some pretty good things can happen...the feeling grows...

I get through work...realize I am on time and I have a strong hope that things can get better for me and I can move on my path towards healing. I am driving down the freeway...grateful that I am a little before the 'traffic time' and then I hear a weird pop...and I think, "Did I just lose my hubcab?"  And I decide I better pull off...car starts vibrating...and YES! I have a flat tire...oh joy...

Interesting part was...there was no traffic...I had no problem moving over 3 lanes to exit the freeway...pull off...I was thinking of circling back to a gas station...then decide to pull into a parking lot so I don't ruin my rim...I call for service..start thinking about doing it myself...then I see an ice cream store.  What are the odds...so I go and buy a 'black raspberry chip' sugar cone and just as I finish the guy shows up to change my tire...a very 'nice' looking young man I will have to admit...and I still have time to get to my counseling appointment.

As I pulled out to drive to my appointment I was really proud of myself that I wasn't upset...part of me wondered if the 'adversary' was trying to stop me from getting to my appointment...but...didn't work...heck I was only about 40 minutes late :) I then realized how many 'tender mercies' had just happened.  Everything from the lack of traffic, closeness of an exit, a parking lot to wait, and the ICE CREAM STORE! The Lord was definitely looking out for me. I felt truly blessed :)

Counseling...I am talking about my wall...what it is like...how I feel...what is around that I can use to get over it. It was weird to think that I 'was' thinking the other side of the wall was bad and the little girl inside of me was 'scared and alone' because she was away from me...then realizing that 'she' was just fine...it was me that was all alone and had blocked out the 'love and joy' of my Heavenly Father because the feelings were too intense and I couldn't handle them.

I thought about 'why' I would be afraid of the wall and what was on the other side...I knew that rationally it didn't make sense...then I realized it was like the fear of a child...it didn't make sense...but it was real. So, I am talking to my counselor...she is asking me what it is like?  How tall is it? Are there any holes? Is anyone else around? Are there materials around?  And I came up with 'nothing'.

She asks me 'what does the wall need?'  It needs to get blown up...that's what it needs...we talk about my fears...she asks why I would be afraid? I say I am afraid it will be more 'emotion' than I can handle...I am not very good at handling my own emotion...it is kind of new for me...then we talk about taking the wall down a little at a time...so I can get used to it...

Then she says..."Can you make the wall smaller?"  Holy Crap...hadn't thought about that...the next thing I see in my head it has shrunk to about 1/3 the size and is now just over my head!  I can almost 'see' over the top...but I am still afraid...I realize that I am not alone and I can tell myself that I don't have to deal with the other side all at once.

So...to make a long story short...what is in my head now?  A small garden wall that I can easily step over if I choose...I am still thinking about how I want to do that and what it will mean and how it will feel...but the best part is that "I" get to make the choice.

There is a part of me that wonders if 'all my issues will diminish' once I step across the wall?  What did the wall represent?  Why is it there? Am I truly 'done' with the wall? I am sure I won't need it anymore?  Am I strong enough to 'deal' with what is on the other side?
 
Heck...I have no idea.  What I do know is that I don't feel scared. I am feeling more at peace than I have felt for a long time...my X is going to continue to be a jerk...and I will just let him do his thing.  I won't 'stir his pot' unless I have to for the kids' sake. How incredible this would be if I am healing and my life is in a position that I can 'deal' with all the garbage and still stay happy and focused and centered...that is my prayer!

She needs to rescue me?

Ok...had some time this morning (we have late church) and so I am trying to think what I can do to 'move along my healing process'. This is kind of an awkward thought because I have been told 'umpteen times' that I need to 'go with the flow'...which I am not very good at. I felt such a relief on Friday...and I have been wondering about that...but now it has kind of gone to a 'zombie no feeling' feeling...this makes me think I am avoiding again...I don't want to do that...which I guess is the whole point of me trying to heal...Anyway...

So...I start thinking back to my last counseling session and trying to see if I can get into that 'place' again.  I have been thinking about the 'wall' I have up and what color it is...what it feels like to run my hand over it...is it cold and hard...soft and penetrable? And I got thinking about how I felt that my wall was crushing me during counseling...so I got to thinking that maybe I just needed to 'walk through it'. So I try to think about my 'wall' and what color everything is...I think it is a 'dusty rose' color...I think it is a cross between the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group of people that 'go back in time' and hide in a sanctuary and the blind girl gets sent to 'the town' to get medicine. Or perhaps it is an old English wall like in the movie 'Secret Garden'? It has some ivy here and there...not a lot...

I am thinking about how I felt my wall expand...and start thinking that if it can expand..then it is flexible and I can perhaps penetrate it and walk through it. I am trying to visualize myself reaching through the wall...like in the movies when someone can do something they didn't think was possible...I am trying to imagine reaching out to the 'little girl inside' of me and thinking about how I  will 'save' her. I am lying in bed...thinking how I can do this...how does it feel?  How does it look?  What color is it? I am not having much luck...I curl up and grab my knees...the other day I seemed to make a lot of progress when I was curled up in a ball and rocking...it almost seemed to feel like I was able to connect with her because I was 'rocking and comforting her'?  I don't know...sometimes I feel like I am 'psycho' but it seems to make me feel better so I am going with it. Well, after about an hour...I am not having much luck. I am saying a prayer...thanking the Lord for all he has given me, my children, my daughter that will be leaving on a mission, my son that has been staying over this weekend, we had some fun together last night, etc.

I am trying to visualize helping the little girl inside of me...then I start thinking about what is on the other side of the wall...and I start to think that 'she' is there...and thinking about how I feel that 'she' can feel the Spirit, she KNOWS the love of our Savior, etc. I sit up and think I need to move on and do something more productive (like maybe make breakfast for my kids?). And I look at a picture on the wall...the one of the upper body of Christ from the side and he is hugging a little girl...she is being held by him with her face on His shoulder and her arms around his neck and he is loving and holding her. As I look at this picture it occurs to me that she is on the other side of the wall with Him. She is not alone, I am. She is not scared, I am. She knows what is going on...It is me that doesn't. There is nothing scary on the other side of the wall..there is nothing but love and acceptance. I am not the rescuer...I am the person that needs to be rescued. She needs to come bring me through the wall...

As soon as I started thinking this...tears began to flow...I know it is what I need to do...now I just need to figure out how to do it.  I guess that is progress?

Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...

Am I turning into a monster?

Ok....
I tried to talk to a member of my bishopric last Sunday. My son that lives with his dad is blowing things out of proportion (who'd a thought that a young boy would misinterpret and get emotional, right?) saying the leaders in my ward don't like him...this is not the case...it is just that some things have come up and they have mentioned them and my son has blown them out of proportion.  My goal was to talk to him and ask him (and hopefully pass it on) to take a 'proactive' role and just let my son know he was welcome...I am not too sure I succeeded or not...

It turned into..."We grew up together and I want to talk to you as a friend" and that went off into..."You (me) made a mistake...you should have stayed with your X for your kids' sake...keep your enemies close...now your X can spend time with your kids and you have no control over what he does...blah blah blah"...he says how he doesn't know all the facts but that I made a mistake...that my kids are all screwed up now because of the divorce...he goes on to tell me how worried he is about that...

Yeah...not too sure how well I dealt with it...I felt like I was in control the entire time...I felt like I was focused...my daughter told me later she saw us talking and it looked like I was trying to beat him into a corner...that wasn't quite my goal :) He went on to say that his mother put up with abuse from his father and stayed with him for the kids' sake...I don't think that is always a good idea...but that is just my opinion...

I told him I was abused and I don't think he was even listening...we were both talking very intently...he is an 'orator' by profession and I don't think he is used to people in his face...but he was in mine too...I think we both just felt really strong about what we were saying...

It was crazy because then he was saying that I was attacking the bishop...that I came on really strong...and blaming the bishop for everything...that the bishop can't 'call my son in' because my son lives in another ward now...there is a really fine line and I am asking him to cross it...on and on and on and on..they can't MAKE my son want to live with me...I wasn't asking for any of that...all I wanted was for my son to feel welcome coming to my ward...I wanted the members/leaders to say (if they saw him) "Hey...glad you came...I hope you know you are always welcome"  That is all....

The more I thought about it...I think that they feel guilty for what has happened and so he thought I had come to him with a different agenda...that I was trying to get him to convince my son to come live with me...that I wanted the bishop to apologize and it was all his fault...wow...back to being invisible...you know?

I just wanted them to know that my son had misunderstood and nothing else had happened (no positive interactions) to change his mind...that doesn't seem like such a bad thing...

I think the hard thing is that they (bishopric) haven't had to deal much with divorce...they are afraid I am asking them to take sides...the old..."I don't know exactly what I can do...so I don't want to do anything for fear of doing the wrong thing"

It is just so frustrating...every time the other kids invite my son to something it always turns into "the leaders hate me...they say I can't come...and well...you can imagine"..I admit my son it 'blowing it out of proportion' but if no one is saying anything different...he is just feeding his misconception...sigh...

Then I thought more about my so called 'friend in the bishopric' and thought..."What the heck?! What was the point of throwing in my face that you think I was wrong to divorce my X?" I certainly am not going back...you admitted you didn't know all the facts...you have no ecclesiastical authority..you're not my bishop...my home teacher...and what is to be gained?  Want me to feel like crap? Trying to show me you have some 'enlightened knowledge'?  Trying to make me grovel?

I finally came to the conclusion...I stood up for myself pretty good...if I take my 'new found inner strength and insight' I would say he felt intimidated...I don't think he is used to people standing up to him...and arguing with him...but he is the one that kept bringing back the fact..."We're friends...we grew up together...I care about you...etc..." I think I was matching his intensity...and I am sorry...you throw accusations around like that and people are going to react...

He gave me a hug at the end...and made a comment about "we can talk like this and still be friends, right?" And I guess we can...does make me wonder what the ward thinks of me...sigh...so much for 'appearing together and strong'...

I talked to my friend...and she made the comment that I was gaining some incredible inner strength...but that some people may not be used to it...I think she was gently trying to warn me not to turn into a monster...

The upside...I think my 'inner child' sensed that I stood up for us...and I think that was a good thing...

Is there a shift? I am feeling different....I still have a wall...

Today is kind of weird...I can't quite figure out how I feel. I know that I am feeling more peace that I have felt for awhile. It is kind of nice really...I am working on being in a place where I can sit back and see what is happening. I don't want to 'react' to things...I want to 'act' I want to be able to see a situation and then feel what I should do...I want to follow the inspiration the Lord is sending me...it is fast Sunday...I think my ward is tired of me sharing my testimony...I feel that I do it too often...yet I know that I have something to share..something that stirs my soul..sigh...

I am still working on trying to 'feel and hear' the Holy Ghost. I still sense that I have a wall that prevents me from truly feeling and believing what the Lord wants me to know. I know my counselor asks 'why did you put the wall up?' or 'Do you still need the wall?' and I guess my first response is...'No, I don't need the wall.' but I still feel afraid to not have it and I am not exactly sure how to bring it down. Some days I seem to be able to feel it...walk along it...run my hand over it...it seems to be white with a little bit of soft pink color. It is high...reminds me of the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group that left society and sent the blind girl to get medicine from the 'towns'. I wonder what is on the other side...I like to think that I can imagine anything that could be there...hence, there should be no surprise...but then I get back to..I don't know what is there...

I was reading the book 'Visions of Glory' (as told to John Pontius) and he talks about his work with abused children. He talks about Christ's role in the healing of children that have been abused. "to go with them to those dark and evil places in their hearts and to retrieve them - snatch sometimes, or coax them, with the help of Christ - out of that darkness into the light. They experience a type of being born again. When an adult or child will submit to this process and allow me to act as Christ's agent in guiding them through this, they are healed of that abuse completely and permanently..." (page 64)  He talks of being able to see your self as Christ sees you. Maybe that is what my problem is...I am afraid to go all the way 'down' and therefore I cannot fully 'come out'?

I wonder if this means I need to truly understand and comprehend my abuse...I think I 'skirt around' it sometimes...not fully realizing what it is...not wanting to comprehend...trying to convince myself that it wasn't that bad...I have asked my counselor why my abuse was 'so bad' and it becomes one of those conversations that turn into..."If I tell you it won't have the same significance as you finding out for yourself". I hate those kind of conversations....

Well...maybe this is something for me to ponder today as I fast...and perhaps it is something that I can address in counseling this week...

Counseling is not for the weak minded...sigh....

Was I invisible?

Ok...
I was doing EMDR stuff the other day and talking about issues with my brothers and she asked me how I was feeling when my mother died when my brothers and I had problems...and it kind of came around to me feeling 'invisible' because it was apparent that my desires were not a concern to anyone...sigh...it was nice to be able to 'label' what I was feeling...but it isn't a very good feeling...

Then I was talking to my counselor about not being comfortable yet with dressing nicer and feeling that I am drawing attention to myself. Talking about feeling that I am aware that when I am doing what I am supposed to be doing and I am worthy I am a definite 'presence'. People will look twice at me as I walk by...not in a 'wow you are hot' kind of way but...'who are you?  I sense something.' kind of way...I am not sure if I like it or not.

So...here I am pondering all these things and then it clicks...When I was being abused I felt that I could not say no or not participate...I was invisible...my opinion didn't matter...I was the person that tried to keep everyone happy...but my opinion was not very high on everyone else's priority list...that is why I am so self conscious...that is why I don't like drawing attention to myself..that is why when my mother died and I was in the middle of dealing with all of this I was not going to allow myself to be invisible...it is kind of weird when some of the balls I am juggling drop into place.

This is combined with being extremely sensitive to the emotions so I was always feeling guilty about everything...this person wants this...that person is sad...I should do something to cheer up this person..etc..
So I guess I came around to thinking that keeping others happy was more important than keeping me happy. Or if I wasn't keeping others happy I was miserable and feeling guilty...

As you can imagine...this reminded me of how long I have been going to therapy...let's just say it is more than a year or so :) and starting to wonder if I am crazy...

Then the counselor said something cool...she talked about how I was a good person that had a lot of stuff going on (boy is that the truth) and I was dealing with my stuff so I could better be in tune, so I could do and be what the Lord wanted. I really liked how that sounded...that is a lot better than thinking I am just crazy.

I talked about how I feel I have this wall between me and truly feeling the Spirit of the Lord. I wish I could 'blow it up' but I don't know how to do that either...

All and all I guess my counseling session today was better than it could have been. I was seeing a different counselor...my normal counselor had some family stuff and is gone for a few weeks...it was kind of fun in that this counselor doesn't know all my mind tricks...my disassociation (if she did notice she didn't say anything) I mentioned it a couple of times...but it was kind of fun to think that she didn't know how to read me as well as my normal counselor...a nice break.

Before I left...we were talking about the need to be strong in the last days...she said something that I am really trying to take to heart. She talked about the gathering armies for the last days...those that were gathering on both sides of the veil. She said she felt that I was getting my stuff taken care of so that I could better 'feel' so I could better follow the promptings of the Holy Ghost...and that I was being drawn to those armies because that is where I belong...it is a cool thought...

Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.

The Morning After Drama..I will deal with it on my own.

Ok...it is a new day...it is raining...washing all the old away...

I was thinking I should go to counseling...but my counselor had family stuff come up and is out of town for 2 weeks...I have talked to another counselor in the past..so I called this morning and was going to try and see her.  She usually works today...but...wouldn't you know it...she isn't in today.  I guess the Lord wants me to stretch and solve my problems myself...or at least with His help.  I wonder how I will do?

I am going to talk to a lawyer this morning. I have a 'one time' consultation through work, so I will do that and see what information I can get figured out.  At least it is a plan and something that has the potential to help me out.

I have been feeling calmer...I am still very frustrated with the whole scenario but I am trying to deal. I am going to the Temple tomorrow and I want to be in the right frame of mind to be ready for any insight or inspiration the Lord wants to send my way.

Here is a down side...I am (obviously) very sensitive to emotions and what is happening around me...well...my daughter is just as bad if not worse...she came in this morning truly upset...couldn't figure out why...saying how she could barely function...I joked that she just described how I felt (we have discovered that she is an emotional sponge) and I told her she needs to 'quit picking up my vibes'. So now, since I don't have enough guilt...I have to worry about messing up my daughter...sigh...I will say it makes me wonder if I was as sensitive as she was before my abuse. Kind of adds a new dimension to how much it would have messed me up and why my brain 'shut it out'.

So...where do I go from here?  I talked to my bishop last night...he said to not worry about money for my daughter's mission...I need to take care of my kids and if I need help they will help. That was nice...I was surprised how upset I became when thinking about how it will be harder for me to 'support' my daughter on her mission because of her father's actions. I am not sure if that is control issues or pride...

He can still 'trigger' my emotions...

Oh my gosh...I wake up this morning...frustrated about court yesterday...angry that my children don't have a dad that cares and find out he is sending info to my brother and his brother and mother trying to make them think I am not doing my part to support my son that lives with him...REALLY>?>??>!?!?!?!?!?

Need I remind him that I am working 2 jobs and he is doing nothing?

It would be so awesome if it back fired and his brother and mother told him to 'buck up and be a man' and support your kids....I am not sure how 'Christ like' that thought is...but for right now...it would be really AWESOME!

I am mad at myself that he can trigger all this emotional response from me...when he left court...he 'booked' it down the stairs..looking back at me a time or two..probably afraid I would throw something at him.

I really want to get my emotions under control so he can't have the power I have given him any more...it is reminding me of when I was first trying to deal with my 'abuse' and every time I had to interact with him I would just fall apart...I am so tired of doing that...

When I think about it I haven't 'fallen apart' for quite a while and considering all that has been happening...that is saying something. I wonder why I did this time?  Is part the fact that I want my daughter to go on a mission and not worry about finances? Or that "I" (control issues) want to be the one to help her? Is it because he is hurting me through my kids and using them?  I am thinking about the money...he has sent me 3 emails asking when he is going to get his 'support' and I feel that he just wants to feel that he has 'won' and I have to 'pay'. And as far as my daughter and her mission... I know it doesn't matter who helps her...I just want to do my part...but I guess there is some control issue stuff there too...no surprise I guess...

I mentioned in counseling my thoughts of 'can't win for losing' meaning ...if I get the kids to counseling...maybe they won't be so mad/hurt at my X...then they will want to see him...which means that they will spend more time with him...which means less time with me...and I could easily interpret that as rejection. So by encouraging counseling I am actually 'sending' the kids to spend more time with their dad...and to think that he doesn't think it is necessary...

Really? Here I sit worried about my kids having a great relationship with their dad and then...he is such a jerk...wow...I surprise myself...

I guess it keeps getting back to...I want to do the right thing...I know the Lord is aware of me and my children..He knows what we need...if I am doing my part...he will provide...

I pay HIM child support? Really? Well...it is worth it to not have to sleep with him.

Well...I am not too sure what to say...but I went to court again (I wish I could get 'frequent flyer' miles or something for all the time I have spent in that court room - I will say the security guys at the door don't recognize me yet so maybe it isn't as bad as it could be). My X has been unemployed for almost 10 months and since I now have 2 jobs he took me back to court to discuss child support. I informed the court that he was getting money from his mother...the judge asked him about it and my X said he isn't anymore since 'it had a negative effect on his child support'. The judge said, "Don't you realize your primary obligation is to provide for your family?" He didn't even get it...

Aaahhhhhhhhhhhhhhhhgggggghhhhhhh!

I dressed up...and I do think it helped a little. The judge was trying to work it through the system...and I do think that I got a little more respect from him because I had made effort to look nice. (Side bar...I am trying to dress nicer...I am recognizing that if I have more respect for myself - others will respect me more also). As he figured out the child support (I have 2 jobs he has none) it started as me owing him $250 a month and the judge got it down to a little less than $100) It just makes me so mad I want to cry. It is so wrong...

I had a counseling appointment after...I figured I would need it...and yeah...I did...

I called my friend on my way to my appointment and we joked about it was worth paying him to be able to have the Spirit in my home and to not have to sleep with my X. He finally changed his 'facebook status' to single so maybe he is giving up on me 'coming back after I deal with my mental issue'. It is a good thing I have friends...or I don't know where I would be. She reminds me of how 'she warned me' what a jerk he would be...granted...that doesn't help me...but I will say I never thought he would be this bad...he seems to be so angry and in such a dark hole. I still don't think he is admitting any responsibility. I can't believe how easily he lies..He is taking a 'class' I can't figure out if it is one night a week or two...I think it is the 'Addiction Recovery Program' but I am not sure...maybe it is just counseling...man...he needs a  lot of it...and then some more...

I have been studying the Doctrine and Covenants...and the Institute Manual states:

President Spencer W. Kimball said:

“The Church and its members are commanded by the Lord to be self-reliant and independent. (See D&C 78:13-14

“The responsibility for each person’s social, emotional, spiritual, physical, or economic well-being rests first upon himself, second upon his family, and third upon the Church if he is a faithful member thereof.

“No true Latter-day Saint, while physically or emotionally able will voluntarily shift the burden of his own or his family’s well-being to someone else. So long as he can, under the inspiration of the Lord and with his own labors, he will supply himself and his family with the spiritual and temporal necessities of life. (See 1 Timothy 5:8.)” (In Conference Report, Oct. 1977, p. 124; or Ensign, Nov. 1977, pp. 77–78.)

Ok...gotta confess...I sent this to him in an email...my guess is I will get some rude 'something or another' back from him...probably not the most 'Christ like' behavior from me...but then again...I am up at 4am...

I am not responsible for him, he has family and resources...I should not be one of his resources... 

My bishop is being pretty cool...good thing I am a faithful member...

gotta say...I don't know where I would be if I wasn't a faithful member...maybe I'd be sucked down that black hole with him...man...what a mess that would be...

I have cried a few times this evening...while trying to figure out what part was making me cry I thought...a big part is that I was trying so hard to 'take care of myself' and it just keeps falling apart...so frustrating...

I know the Lord is aware of my needs...I know the Lord loves me...I know the Lord knows my daughter wants to go on a mission and is working hard to do her part...I guess I just need to 'know and remember' that the Lord has a plan...Faith...I guess I am still working on that First Principle of the gospel...