She needs to rescue me?

Ok...had some time this morning (we have late church) and so I am trying to think what I can do to 'move along my healing process'. This is kind of an awkward thought because I have been told 'umpteen times' that I need to 'go with the flow'...which I am not very good at. I felt such a relief on Friday...and I have been wondering about that...but now it has kind of gone to a 'zombie no feeling' feeling...this makes me think I am avoiding again...I don't want to do that...which I guess is the whole point of me trying to heal...Anyway...

So...I start thinking back to my last counseling session and trying to see if I can get into that 'place' again.  I have been thinking about the 'wall' I have up and what color it is...what it feels like to run my hand over it...is it cold and hard...soft and penetrable? And I got thinking about how I felt that my wall was crushing me during counseling...so I got to thinking that maybe I just needed to 'walk through it'. So I try to think about my 'wall' and what color everything is...I think it is a 'dusty rose' color...I think it is a cross between the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group of people that 'go back in time' and hide in a sanctuary and the blind girl gets sent to 'the town' to get medicine. Or perhaps it is an old English wall like in the movie 'Secret Garden'? It has some ivy here and there...not a lot...

I am thinking about how I felt my wall expand...and start thinking that if it can expand..then it is flexible and I can perhaps penetrate it and walk through it. I am trying to visualize myself reaching through the wall...like in the movies when someone can do something they didn't think was possible...I am trying to imagine reaching out to the 'little girl inside' of me and thinking about how I  will 'save' her. I am lying in bed...thinking how I can do this...how does it feel?  How does it look?  What color is it? I am not having much luck...I curl up and grab my knees...the other day I seemed to make a lot of progress when I was curled up in a ball and rocking...it almost seemed to feel like I was able to connect with her because I was 'rocking and comforting her'?  I don't know...sometimes I feel like I am 'psycho' but it seems to make me feel better so I am going with it. Well, after about an hour...I am not having much luck. I am saying a prayer...thanking the Lord for all he has given me, my children, my daughter that will be leaving on a mission, my son that has been staying over this weekend, we had some fun together last night, etc.

I am trying to visualize helping the little girl inside of me...then I start thinking about what is on the other side of the wall...and I start to think that 'she' is there...and thinking about how I feel that 'she' can feel the Spirit, she KNOWS the love of our Savior, etc. I sit up and think I need to move on and do something more productive (like maybe make breakfast for my kids?). And I look at a picture on the wall...the one of the upper body of Christ from the side and he is hugging a little girl...she is being held by him with her face on His shoulder and her arms around his neck and he is loving and holding her. As I look at this picture it occurs to me that she is on the other side of the wall with Him. She is not alone, I am. She is not scared, I am. She knows what is going on...It is me that doesn't. There is nothing scary on the other side of the wall..there is nothing but love and acceptance. I am not the rescuer...I am the person that needs to be rescued. She needs to come bring me through the wall...

As soon as I started thinking this...tears began to flow...I know it is what I need to do...now I just need to figure out how to do it.  I guess that is progress?