Co Parenting is Bartering? EMDR means I am stable?

Ok...sigh....
I think I am starting to spread myself too thin...
I am trying to work through some of my anxiety regarding my new situation...having to pay my X child support when he has 1 child and I have 4..oh yeah..my oldest doesn't count because she just turned 19.

I am learning a lot about what I can and should do. I talked to a lawyer and she asked how come I got a second job?  She said I should re-think working that second job...she said it was taking time away from my kids and not helping me financially because now I don't get child support.  It is kind of frustrating to think about but it just seems morally wrong for me to not try and provide for my kids...sigh...

I am also getting advice on how to better interact with my X.  I am not very good at that. My counselor was telling me that I needed to realize he has mental issues and that I just need to 'fly under the radar' and do what I can to not 'stir him up' and 'sneak in' what I need and want if I want it to work. I guess I need to realize that I am not going to be able to 'help him see my side' and I need to quit trying. It is kind of a strange thought. That I need to follow my 'gut' and not try to 'work together' (not that we were ever very good at it - OBVIOUSLY). I almost feel like that is giving up on him...but since I divorced him...I guess I have given up on him.

He is threatening all kinds of things...and it is usually in reaction to my trying to 'show him reason' so I guess I need to just stop doing that. Humble myself and just do what I need to do to get what my kids need. I am thinking I must be in a decent place if I can do that...or at least consider doing that...

I had another session of EMDR yesterday...I was talking to the counselor (she is not my normal counselor) and asking her how she knows that I am 'benefiting from it'. She has said that 'I respond very well' and I wanted to understand exactly what that means...she said she is amazed at how quickly I tell her my feelings have changed. And went on to say that is an indicator that I am pretty stable mentally - because I don't have a lot of 'junk' in the way. This got me thinking about maybe there is hope for me...that is a comforting thought.

I talked to my daughter's therapist and he said..."Sounds like you need to do some bartering...that is what co parenting is". I am starting to think that this will be my new thought pattern...just do what I need to do to help my kids...I don't care about 'who is better or right'. So I guess I need to come up with the money for child support and figure out a way to pay it...and not worry about 'the principle of the matter'.

So...for whatever reason...life is going to keep coming at me...so I will work on 'rolling with it'.