How the heck am I supposed to know if I am in a relationship? And what is intimacy?

I am still talking to the same man that I talked about in my last post.  This is what I have learned.  Dating sucks! Online dating is easier in some ways...but it is still hard to 'put yourself out there'...and when you start talking to guys it is hard to figure out if you 'have something' because he is not asking you out or anything.

So...I went from sending the occasional message that gets a response in a day or so to chatting on facebook with my man.  Can you say 'amp up the relationship with lightning speed'? Wow...just being able to talk about whatever and get an immediate response had a huge impact on what we were talking about.

I can't remember (or maybe I don't want to remember) how soon the conversation turned to sex and I started 'dumping out' my issues. My concerns about having him touch me if we meet, how I want to have a healthy intimate relationship but there are going to be a few bumps in the road. If I think about it it is embarrassing how much information I shared.

The other weird thing is once you bring up sex...because we have both been married before it is easier to start talking more and more about it..the more we talked about it the easier it became to 'keep in my head' without those feelings of 'fight or flight' and I realized that here I was talking about wanting to do all these intimate things and I was not afraid. I was not feeling the fear and panic that I had felt over the last few years when thinking about sex and/or my abuse...so we talked some more...then we realized something...it is hard to figure out what is ok to talk about and what is not. Applying the Law of Chastity on adults that have been married can be tricky.

When I was married I talked about and did all these things and it didn't affect my ability to teach a lesson on Sundays. It had no effect on my spirituality.  There was nothing wrong with talking at all. But now I sit and think if my teenage children were saying the things I was saying I would march them down to see the Bishop. Dating the second time around is just plain weird.  So after a few 'sex conversations/fantasies' we decided to back off a little and then I noticed that as we shared 'dreams/fantasies' with each other it became more about how we felt towards each other. It became how we hoped that if we got married our children would get along and we would have fabulous memories of times spent together. As I was pondering the difference in what we were sharing I was also trying to understand what I was feeling. I began to notice a difference in how I felt about all the 'sex talk' compared to the sharing of dreams talks. I began to feel a warmth in my heart when I thought about him and it seemed so much deeper than the arousal feelings. I thought about how caring he is when he tries to answer my million questions and how important it is for him to understand me. I began to feel a warmth that I had not experienced before. I have decided that it is the beginning of intimacy. I feel it is a connection to him combined with a feeling of desire and arousal.  Wow...I have really been missing out in life. This feeling just kind of warms my soul. I am thinking intimacy is something I will like.

I was talking to my visiting teacher and she has a similar background to mine and she loves to 'sum up' after I talk to her. So she says, "what you are telling me is that you feel the joy of intimacy and want to experience it with him? And you are realizing that it feels good to experience these feelings?" Yeah, that was an understatement. I don't think I have ever felt what I am feeling and I haven't even met my man yet.

Now...don't get me wrong...I realize the danger in developing an emotional connection with someone that I haven't met yet. I realize that instead of the 'truly stud man' I see in his profile it could be like the identity theft commercials and be some punky kid or an old lady or something. So what I am doing is truly trying to 'feel' when he talks or messages me. I am looking to see if he is trying to exercise 'power or authority' over me. Trying to control me...my man is not doing that. I am looking to see if he is avoiding certain questions that I am asking or trying to hide information. My man is not doing that. I am trying to see if he is 'getting something for nothing' out of the relationship...for example the fact that we 'stopped' talking about sex and he is still right there waiting for me is a huge indicator that he is who he appears to be.

Have I met him?  No.
Do I sometimes thing he might be something different than I perceive?  Once in awhile..
Am I going to 'commit' to him before I meet him? No...
Am I falling in love with him?  Yes.
Do I think the Lord helped me through all the trials I have endured the last couple of years  to end up in a failed marriage? No.

So...what do I do?
I stay aware of my spirituality. I 'feel' how I am doing and what I am thinking.  I will be in tune so that I may hear the desires of the Holy Ghost.

I have never had someone communicate such love, patience, compassion, and desire. He makes me feel that his happiness is aided by him pleasing me. Wow...what a concept!

Oh yeah...he is kind of hung up on 'communication'. I think he said it in every sentence the first day or 2 we were talking...but I gotta say..I think that is why we are where we are in our relationship. It just might work.