Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?