Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?