I think I can do this.....

Ok...it has been a long time since I have posted...lots has been going on...sigh...mostly good. :)

I am still talking to my 'online guy' and learning and growing...it is frustrating, exciting, fun, and wonderful!

We did finally meet and YES I let him touch me (heck...I even touched him) and well...let's just say I was amazed at how much I 'didn't freak out'. I have been thinking a lot about that...the 'whys' and such. The only thing I can come up with is that I am learning to trust him at a level I have never trusted anyone before. I gotta say...I think I like it. :)

The bummer part is my relationship with him is a little weird because he is not close...and I feel that 'emotionally' we are very connected...but we don't really know what it would be like to 'just hang out'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. But the whole 'online relationship' is different to me because it is so easy to talk about whatever you want to say...and you can feel closer in some ways...but you have to wonder how much of it is real because you aren't having to deal with..tired from work..who is making dinner...you forgot to take out the trash...what kind of movies do you watch, etc. At least that is how I feel about it.

So...I am trying to not 'push' the relationship to a level I am not ready for so I am still kind of looking around online and talking to other men. I have thought about what a relationship with one of these other guys would be like and it is interesting how different I imagine it to be. I think about 'What if I went out with one of these guys?' I don't feel the huge need to 'spill my guts about my issues' and I think I could 'hold hands and whatever' without all the drama and stressed out emotions that I was experiencing with my online guy...So I am guessing that I am 'healing' at a very deep level...I don't even feel a need to 'share my abuse' with anyone unless it was very serious relationship and we are 'telling everything'.

This is on top of a wonderful week at a conference for work. I was able to attend a 3 day conference for work and it was fabulous! I knew that I had a lot coming up and I was going to present at my faculty conference so I was a little nervous. I had never done anything like this and I wanted some extra help from the Lord. I asked the husband of one of my mission friends to give me a blessing..."He put his hands on my head and paused for a few seconds...I started to cry...he told me how much my Heavenly Father loves me...I seem to be hearing that so much everywhere I go...I think He wants me to feel that love deeper than I have felt before...I kind of feel that He is proud of me and the progress I am making...and I hope I am starting to believe and feel and understand how much He truly loves me at a profound level...he went on to say...I would be able to use my talents and gifts I had been given...that I would be successful...that I would know what to do."

When I arrived at the conference (I normally teach middle school kids...this was a conference for college instruction) I was amazed at how 'comfortable' I felt...that I belonged...at one time, one of my friends that I had made online (we were finally able to meet) made a comment about 'everyone gathers around you'. Here I am thinking that she is some 'hot shot author' of many books and as I looked at her...I realized she was right...that I was truly feeling like I was with my 'peers' and they were my 'peers' not some people that were so much better than me...people that 'didn't know my crap' and therefore didn't know I was not as good as them...but my equals. I remembered the words of the blessing I received...and I remember how I used to think about how fun it was to 'put a smile' on someone's face..that I had special gifts and talents that needed to be shared with people...and I was doing it. I began to reflect on how I had been feeling...and I realized that the old 'anxiety buzz' was not there...that I was comfortable with myself...the paranoid, "What are they thinking about me?" was gone...it was such a humbling, wonderful, peaceful, happy feeling...I began to think back on what my friend had said at the beginning of this journey I am on..."If you truly heal...you will be able to stand tall and breath".  I think I am almost there...

As I write this I have tears streaming down my cheeks...I am full of gratitude to a Father in Heaven that can love and forgive and heal. My appreciation for the Atonement of Jesus Christ and how it has changed my life. I have truly laid my sorrows and pain at His feet and he has taken them away. I can now see myself living a life better than I have ever dreamed. I will be able to truly love a man in a way that I have yet to experience...don't get me wrong...I know we will have challenges...but I know that we will be able to over come them and the challenges are what will make us stronger. We will have a trust and commitment to each other and the Lord that will run deeper than anything I have yet experienced. I no longer feel the burning drive to 'control' things about me...I will be looking for a true partner to experience this life with together...I want someone that will be there for me...that wants to take care of me...that knows all my good and bad and loves me even more because of it...someone that is looking towards the eternities and the joy that we will share.

I feel that I am a completely new person (or maybe it is just the person that I have always been...but was pushed down too far deep inside and I couldn't hear)...on my way to being the person that my Heavenly Father has always known was inside of me. I am excited to see where my path takes me...sigh...I will always be grateful for my 'online guy' and the gift he has given me...the gift of being able to finally open up my heart and feel. Who knows...maybe it will work out with him...but I do know it will work out with someone....

True healing is possible...through the gifts of our Heavenly Father and the sacrifices of our Elder Brother and Savior. It is a lot of work...but I can tell you right now...it is SO worth it...Don't ever give up...feel the power of those angels that the Lord has sent down to help you overcome your struggles...they are there...I can testify of that in His name.  God lives...reach out to Him and you will amaze yourself at what your future will hold. It is worth it.

Someone asked me if I have ever felt the hand of God in my life...my response?  How much time do you have?