What is real and what is fantasy? And yes...dating still sucks....

Man I wish I could figure out what I am supposed to be doing and with who....

Ok...my online guy is still far away...the practicality of a relationship is slim. But dang it! Anytime I start thinking of going out with someone else...it just isn't the same...it isn't as deep...I don't feel as connected...I struggle to stay interested...

I have been trying to figure out what I feel and I am not having much luck.

I do realize that my online guy has had a lot of time to connect and create an emotional bond. I know that any new relationship will not be as deep, how can it be? There hasn't been the same time investment...

So...now what do I do? I feel that I love my online guy but I don't know if I like him or not. I don't know if that makes any sense. It is like we dated backwards...when through all the sexual stuff (I had to throw my abuse out there for him to see), then the emotional stuff (how would he handle it and me), and then we talked about if it could work if we got married (moving, etc.), I feel like we really need to just 'date and hang out' and see if there is anything there...I just keep thinking of all the time we have both put into our relationship and how come he keeps 'hanging in there'? I mean, no one can be that bored, right?

Plus I ponder how fair it was to him to have to deal with 'all my crap' and not get much good out of it...and now I realize that as I date...my abuse is not the first thing I have to talk about, nor is it 'in my face'. So...it makes me want to start over with my online guy...but again...he lives too far away...sigh..

I feel that he can 'handle me'. He can help me back off when I get carried away with things. He can 'slow me down' when I am going crazy. I feel a strength when I am around him and when he is 'truly talking to me'. It is this inner power that he has that I don't think has ever come out. He has this incredible potential to be someone special...and I don't think he has had the support to become that person. Of course, I want to help him be that person. I feel that we bring out so many good things in each other...we are a compliment to each other...but I just don't truly know him...

I do realize that a large portion of it is probably fantasy and all in my head..and that can't be healthy. How much of what I 'perceive' him to be is real?  I feel so comfortable talking to him...even if I am annoyed..there is this underlying feeling of security that I haven't experienced before. This sense of, he will always be there. Granted I get annoyed because he won't commit to anything (yes...I am sure that is not good...if he truly was interested in a relationship with me...he would tell me) but even if I 'vent' to him...a day or so later he is back..."Hello"....sigh...

So...I guess I will just keep moving forward and trying to figure out what I am feeling...in the meantime I am trying to 'be there' for my kids and listen to them when they talk. I guess that is at least something...

I am trying to get my mind on other guys...but I can't find one that 'stirs my soul' like him...sigh...maybe I am comparing everyone else to a fantasy...