Feeling like a kid and loving my inner child!

I have been thinking about this whole...child inside of me concept. Plus, I have been going to the Temple a lot and looking at all the workers (one of the workers on Fridays - I know most of them know at least a little bit asked me when I would start working there :) and realizing that they are not that much older than me...thinking about my age...how most men my age that are single are grandpas...then paying attention to how people interact with me at the Temple.

When I am at the Temple I feel that most of the workers that I come across have a 'maternal' caring interaction with me. I don't know if they just sense how emotionally needy I am...or perhaps it is more than that. Perhaps (and I can't believe it took me this long to figure it out) Perhaps...I feel like a child when my 'inner child' is comfortable enough to show up. This is a weird thought...but I think about how sometimes I feel extremely together and I can take on the world...other times I feel so goofy and silly I amaze myself.

So...I start thinking about how and when and where I feel like a child and goofy. First off, at girls camp. I am crazy childlike and goofy. As a teenager, growing up I LOVED girls camp. I remember feeling that it was a place that I could be me. I knew all kinds of songs and things that made it fun, it didn't matter how you dressed, all the 'social status' stuff was different...it became a matter of...I could build a fire...I wasn't afraid to get dirty...I knew fun songs...I was POPULAR! I loved it then and I love it now!

As I grew to be an adult, I could quickly (and still can) drop into goofy kid mode. So...I am thinking those are times when my inner child is safe. I am in control of things and there is nothing to be afraid of.

So...it would make sense that when I am in the Temple, my inner child comes out...I have a different 'air' about me...all the workers are feeling that I need to be 'cared for' and they are always very nurturing. I feel like a little kid...and I am deciding it is a good thing.

This got me to thinking about my relationship with my X. I never tried to 'hide' my personality from him...he knew sometimes I liked to be goofy...but as our relationship was going downhill...he quietly made it known to me that he didn't like it. It is interesting to look back at how we interacted. Realizing how much was communicated 'non verbally' with eye rolls, turning away, looks of disgust, etc. My counselor talks about me having codependency issues...and I guess I do...but some of the things books talk about don't apply to me. I almost feel like I was 'codependent' yet I resented it and didn't show it or act on it. Yet in my mind I was. I wouldn't coddle my X or 'take excessive care' of him...but I think I always felt guilty for not 'taking care' of all the little things and therefore it had a negative effect on my issues...I always felt I wasn't a good wife because I didn't want to do those things...why didn't I want to do them? I think because I felt they 'drained my cup'. He wasn't able to 'give emotionally' and I think I started out giving and then became drained because he wasn't giving back and then...I just gradually lost the desire to give...

I don't know if that makes sense...it is like I had this big 'outward vibrato' of being all 'self sufficient' and not needing anyone...yet inside I was craving his acceptance and approval so bad I could hardly handle life.

I always wonder when I think to myself if I am happy...am I happy?  Do I wander around with a 'sad face' all the time..because my brain is in such a turmoil as I try to 'deal' with all my stuff? I feel like any time I have even the slightest elevation in emotion in my voice (especially if I am frustrated or emotional) my kids all crawl into a shell and tell me 'how mad I am' and 'how come you are so mad' and I don't feel like I am mad at all...maybe my awareness is off?

I think to be happy I need to be closer and blended with my inner child. I am starting to recognize more when she is around...and I am trying to 'embrace' it...if that makes any sense. I figure if she is around...I am in a good place?

It still makes me feel like I am messed up if I think about it too long...but another part of me is starting to think I am going to end up more mentally stable than most of society if I keep working on all this stuff...at least from what I can see in others...and looking at myself.  Maybe I am not as screwed up as I thought?

Issues and Online Dating

My daughter was right, it is kind of fun 'creepin on guys'. I think it is really good for me to be looking ahead. Planning on having a future...without my X.

So I have been searching online to see if I can find any cute guys and I have learned quite a few things by reading a ton of profiles. Let me enlighten you....

There is a difference between a man that was 'burned' by his wife and a man that has lost his wife and is ready to love again. There is a lot to learn by the type of pictures the person posts...if they are mostly head shots and a ton of pictures of his kids...self conscious about his looks and loves his kids.  If he is posting pictures of his boat and other toys...probably doesn't have much going on with his own kids...unless his kids are all over the boat. Some label the pictures by the event, such as, Christmas 2011 or 'day at the park'. These men seem to be a little more humble and less 'stuck on themselves' if that means anything to you. Others label the pictures 'all about them' with things like Me and my friends, Me at the beach, Me with a beard, etc.. And the obvious...'I am trying to get a woman to interact with me and who knows what I am really like'. This kind of profile reminds me of the commercials about identity theft like this one: funny theft identity commercial

For example, one man from Europe was trying to get me to correspond with him and was saying all these wonderful things and I finally asked him, "You do see that I have 5 kids, right?"  Yeah...never heard from him again...what a surprise :)

And yes...there are the older men that keep telling me, "You just need someone that will treat you right."

So...how does this relate to my therapy?

Man...how does it not?

Ok...so I am thinking more and more about what I would want in a spouse...kind of a weird idea...do I want to marry someone that is rich and never had kids that wants to travel and spoil me?  That is attractive, I must say. Do I want someone that will be by my side and just want to sit with me and watch movies?  Hold my hand and go for walks on the beach? Someone that will be patient and help my kids as they struggle with everything that is going on? Do I find someone that has a ton of kids and play 'Yours, Mine, and Ours' ?

Here is a sad thought...

Do I want to just let my X take care of my kids (the ones that want to live with him) because I do think I have issues with emotionally connecting to my kids (see my post Disassociation and Loving My Kids). Then I could marry some successful man that wants someone to share his life...sigh...what kind of crappy mother am I if I am even thinking that? Or I would start to think how I could convince a man what a wonderful mother I would be to his children when I feel like I am such a crappy mother to my own kids...

Then I think about how I can't even feel like I can love anyone..how the heck can I love someone else...

yeah...then I go online and see if there is anyone new...I guess it doesn't hurt to look? It is nice to think there are people out there that have felt something similar to what I have experienced...at least they have an idea of how I feel...that part is nice...

Who knows?  I sure don't....sigh...life is not for wimps!

The Day After Counseling....I have the emotional maturity of a toddler...

I did a lot of praying in between my last post and my counseling appointment. I survived. When I think about it I did pretty good. I do think there is definitely something to be said for writing down how you feel. Granted I get a little confused sometimes where I write what...I am writing here...I am writing in my 'personal crap get it off my chest' notebook that is almost full and I will have a 'burning party' soon...I am writing in my Mind Over Mood thought record (check out the book Mind Over Mood and that is where I am supposed to process thoughts I get 'hung up on'...AND...I am trying to write in my journal...but hey...can't say I am not documenting my life!

I ended up sharing my sacred experiences...I kept praying and asking if it was ok...and the purpose was to help my therapy so I did it. My counselor mentioned later that she could tell I was really feeling it and she was happy to see I was able to do that. She said sometimes she thinks I am just telling things and trying to see what her response is...I know what she means about that. I feel like I have a great story to tell and I want to tell it so people will think I am 'cool' and so while I am telling it I am searching for feedback from my audience to see if it was acceptable. I didn't do that this time. I am thinking it is a step in the right direction of getting out of my 'codependency' issues?  I hope so...I also know I didn't tell her to try and impress her...I feel that it is not that important to me if she believes me...I can't lie and say it is not important at all...but it is certainly not nearly as important as it was before..let's hear it for progress!

Sometimes I have to get up and get a drink because my mouth gets so dry...I hate that especially because it triggers that I am anxious...I haven't figured out if it is good or bad that I am anxious enough to go get a drink (I went twice yesterday) during the session...does it mean I am 'getting down to my problems' or does it mean I am an emotional basket case and can't deal?  I think the jury is still out on that one...

I talked about feeling that I don't really understand the emotions that I am feeling and that I have no point of reference.  What is a strong feeling?  What is a spiritual feeling? What is intense?  How the heck should I know. My counselor talked about my emotional understanding being that of a toddler. Not that I am a toddler but my experience in dealing with and feeling my emotions are so new I am like a toddler. It makes sense...when I was stressing out on my way to  Co Parenting Counseling and I called my counselor friend and she talked to me about that also. She said how all my feelings are so new it is easy for them to overwhelm me...I am not used to it...and as I get used to it I will be able to better handle, deal, understand, and survive them. So...I don't think it is a bad thing...but it does kind of make me nervous about whether or not my perception of my feelings is even close to how they really are. Something I may think is hugely important and intense...maybe next year I will think it is no big deal.

That brings me to another point of wondering if I am an adrenaline junkie? Do I crave all this intense emotion and feeling because I haven't felt it before? Do I want to keep things stirred up and that is why I am always 'jumping into' all these things that trigger more issues?  Is that why I registered on a singles website?

It does make me wonder...man..who knows if I will ever figure any of this out...

Counseling makes me crazy!

Ok...my counselor was on vacation...so I haven't seen her for almost 3 weeks. I have been seeing her once a week for over 6 months..I probably missed a week here or there for holidays...but not many.  My guess is it has been a very relaxing 3 weeks for her...I felt that I was doing pretty good...until now. I have my appointment tomorrow...

I just don't get why I can't figure out the rules of the client/therapist relationship. I get angry and frustrated all the time and have all these conversations in my head with her and I usually end up getting mad at her for whatever comes to mind. It is like everything she says is going to make me angry...sometimes I think it is because I want her to care about me...so I want to make her mad so she then communicates that she cares I guess?  Man it makes me feel messed up...I guess it is all the boundaries crap I just can't get...

I feel that there is so much to talk about...I called and asked if I could have 2 hours scheduled...the secretary called back and said she wants to stay with one hour...this, of course makes me think I drive her crazy and she can't stand to talk to me. Then I wonder if she just hates the days that I come to see her...if the times she suggested I go and see someone else if it was because she really doesn't want to talk to me...then I wonder if maybe she does like me and wants to help but it is part of the whole 'boundary' crap and she knows that I won't get stronger if I don't have the ability to stand on my own two feet. She can't be my friend and I hate going into her office and wondering if she is going to be open or if she is going to have her 'emotional wall' up and sit there and watch me freak out? It reminds me of the time I was griping to her about 'her having her wall up' and she says, "Do you have any idea the energy you bring in here?"  Of course I respond yes...but I really don't...I have no idea how my energy is perceived...I do get the drift that I have quite a wide spectrum of energy...but even that is based on what?  My perspective...and what is that?  What is my point of reference?  I have no idea...

I sit and think what I am going to say tomorrow..everything from when she opens the door and says hi...to when I have to walk down the hall to her office...I am just glad it isn't very far...I want to say so many stupid, smart aleck things...and what is the point of that?  What good will that do me?  If I try to be mature for a minute I realize that she is a counselor, it is her job to listen to me and help me figure out ways to better deal with my emotions...so..is she supposed to be my friend?  no...it is just weird to try and figure out how I can share all my secrets with someone and have that person not mean anything...

I am trying to figure out if I should discuss some of the sacred things I have experienced this last week...so I send her an email and ask if her office/building has been dedicated like the churches are? My counseling friend talks about how her office is a sacred place because people share their innermost thoughts and that each person deserves respect as a child of God. I figured that would be a reasonable question...her office is part of LDS Services next to DI so I was wondering if the buildings were dedicated...but no response..

That made me mad...granted I used to send a ton of emails but I don't anymore...and it was a simple question...why couldn't she just answer it?  She made the comment a couple of visits back when she said I was acting like a kid...then she said she expected it because a lot had been happening...and it was no big deal..well..I am thinking I am really going to be acting like a flippin idiot tomorrow...I feel that I want to be true to my feelings...but I would also like to act as if I have some sort of control of my emotions...

Ahhhhhhhh.....I hate it when I get like this!

Then I want to just shut down and not say anything...but that doesn't help either...then I get her lecture of 'why do you come to counseling?' 'What do you want to get out of therapy?'

How the hell should I know what I want? I'm screwed up, remember? I just don't want to feel this way anymore...that's what I want...

Man...some days I wonder if I will ever get out of therapy...

Ok...I have been thinking about it...I am glad I am going to counseling...it is just hard...but then...(of course) my counselor did say it would be hard...nothing like being warned...

Why do I want to remember? Do I need to know how bad it was?

I still can't remember how my abuse started. I just remember the boy coming over and doing things to me and my passively allowing him...I am not as driven to know as I was in the beginning...in the beginning it was about making me crazy. I would ponder and pray about it. I would ask Heavenly Father to remember so I could 'heal' I would wonder if my desire wasn't strong enough?  If it was too horrible? If it was my fault? If I did something to someone else? If, if, if, if, if, the list would go on and on...

Occasionally other drama in my life would move it to the back stage...but it would always come back.

Through prayer and fasting I know I have made MASSIVE progress regarding the guilt I have been carrying around since as long as I can remember. But still I would have this nagging 'Why did I allow that? Why did I convince myself all these years that I was a willing participant?' I guess this means I was progressing from if, if, if, if, to why, why, why...not really sure if that was progress or not...

Well...to make a long story short and keep a sacred story sacred...let me just say that I feel better about it. I was at the Temple and had some special experiences...it was more intense because it was over more than one visit to the Temple. It started when I was at the Temple last Tuesday with my daughter before taking her to the MTC and it continued the next day when we were visiting my mission president...driving home from Utah gave me many hours to ponder the things I had felt...and then Friday I went to the local Temple and had some more insight...so this is what I am thinking...

As hard as the Lord is trying to tell me that He loves me...it must be true. I still can't remember what happened but I am feeling better about who I am now and who I was before...and I am thinking I am finally wrapping my head around the fact that what happened to me doesn't effect what the Lord thinks of me....now or then...

That is what helped me to realize I might be ok if I don't remember...I think what I was searching for was knowledge so I could either 'blame' someone else or 'repent' if it was my fault. Although my counselor friend has told me more times that I can count that the blame for child abuse is with the abuser, not the child being abused 100% of the time...you would think that would allow me to let go...but it didn't work.

So, now I am thinking that if I was valiant before this life...I proved myself and if I could have stopped my abuse I would have...I have stood up and fought against evil and I was strong...the Lord does not doubt me...so why do I doubt myself?

I no longer feel the drive to remember...I am thinking it was 'terrible and horrific' to me...I don't care as much if my counselor thinks I am 'blowing things out of proportion' or 'making a big deal out of nothing'...I am accepting the fact that it was horrible and traumatic to me...the way my body reacts when I try to 'deal' with it...I don't know how 'physically traumatic' it was...I do know that I was worried I wouldn't be able to have children..after I got married I went to the doctor (gyn/ob) and told him I had been abused and I was worried about trying to carry and have children..he told me I was just fine. I kind of wish now that the doctor would have told me to get counseling or at least asked if I had had counseling. I remember telling him before my examination and after the examination he waited until the nurse was gone and came up and put his hand on my knee in a comforting fatherly way and told me everything looked just fine. When I had my children I always ended up with an episiotomy and it never hurt as bad as everyone else talked about. I often had trouble feeling him ejaculate when having intercourse...after my children were born I had a 'vaginal oblation' and I was given all kinds of heavy duty pain killers and I came home..slept that afternoon and 2 days later I was at the water park with my kids...just a little sore...I think I am not as sensitive in my private parts as most. It is easy to feel it is a result of something traumatic and horrible...sigh...

My current thought now? I was a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father before I came here and I was strong, He still loves me and thinks that I am strong...the poem I wrote The Gathering has more meaning now than when I wrote it. I am still a valiant daughter of my Heavenly Father...I will stand by Lord and fight again...He loves me and can depend on me...

I feel different now...I feel that I walk different on the ground. It reminds me of the another poem I wrote, What Would It Look Like? I have been pondering for several days now...how my knowledge will change me..what will I do different? Will I be a better person?  Apparently not, since I am still making mistakes and I felt incredibly rude the other day...but I was trying harder to be nice to those around me..so maybe it still counts as progress?

I think my fear of the dark is gone for good...in fact most of my fear is gone...it feels good!

What would I be doing different?

Ok...so I am reading about Codependency...yeah my counselor was acting like a thought had just come to her..she asked me what I thought the word 'codependent' meant. I say it is when you depend on others to build your self-esteem and feel validated. She agrees.and she pulls up her phone and 'lo and behold' she has the definition right there...yeah...like that wasn't planned...anyway...she reads about how people that are abused as children and end up in an abusive relationship have issues with 'codependency' and are magnets for narcissists.  Yeah...then she pretends like this is a new idea for her...I am thinking she has just been sitting there waiting until I was in a position to handle what she said...anyway..she says she is concerned what I am going to do with this information in my head...I am starting to think she has me totally figured out...which kind of bugs me...I guess I like to think I am 'mysterious'...then again, I want someone to understand me...I can't win for losing...Maybe I am feeling hyper sensitive to the fact that maybe she is 'playing me' and manipulating me? But in a counseling trying to help me way?  I don't know...I just know it has taken me so long to open up as much as I have the thought of starting over with someone is just too exhausting...so...back to my counselor...she doesn't tell me any specific books to read and we discuss how when I look on the internet I tend to assume it always applies to me and sometimes it doesn't...and then I am out the door.  What the heck?  Seriously? Tell me I can't figure out how to research on my own...and then make me research on my own?...sigh...I know it is all about what she always says.."You have inside you what you need...you just need to access it."  Anyway...

So (of course) I look on the internet...read a couple of articles...it is just like she said (I know..that shouldn't be a surprise)...I cruise to a used book store...the guy has Codependent No More and tells me lots of people buy it...so I figure it is cheaper than a new book and I have a recommendation from someone (the guy at the used book store) so I buy it.  Gotta say...I kinda like it...the end of chapter 5 (each chapter has an activity to help reinforce the content of the chapter) asks you to write about a person or problem that you are excessively worried about, write all about how you feel and everything you can think about it...Then they ask you to think about how you would feel if you detached, worst case scenario, etc....Finally, they ask: "If you did not have that person or problem in your life, what would you be doing with your life that is different than what you are doing now? How would you be feeling and behaving? Spend a few minutes visualizing yourself living that life, feeling and behaving that way - in spite of your unsolved problem. Visualize your hands placing in God's hands the person or problem you are concerned about. Visualize his hands gently and lovingly holding the person or willingly accepting that problem. Now, visualize His hands holding you. All is well for the moment. All is as it should and as it needs to be. All will be well, better than you think."

Ok...that seriously made me think. What would I be doing if I wasn't in this big mess? That's simple...I would be happily married to someone that truly cares about me and my children. So...I start thinking about if I should date...or at least get on a website for singles...my kids have been telling me I should for quite a while. My daughter that just went on a mission wants me to have a boyfriend...but not get married until she gets home...yeah...like I am going to find someone that fast...seriously?  It took me to almost 30 to find the one I did and I am not marrying someone like that again!..I did ask her why she kept pushing it...she said, "I know you have a much different perspective on things now and I think you deserve to be happy and have someone love you"  Well..when you put it that way it does make sense...and it would be a wonderful dream.

My best friend tells me..."If you have another man around your X will back off and treat the kids better."  Ok, that makes sense too...sigh...

Another friend at work got married a few months ago and she found him online and tells me that I need to look and that there are men out there that are not addicted to porn. So...

Yes...I did it...I created a profile for myself on a singles website.  I gotta say..as my daughter says, "It's kinda fun creepin' on people". And I think my friends are right...there are some good guys out there...so..we will see how it goes...so far there are a couple of guys I could be interested in...granted some 'much older' guys have been messaging me...but hey...can't blame them for trying...but now I have to play all those stupid games of..."Don't answer right away or he will think you are desperate" "Let him lead so you don't intimidate him" Well...you know what I am talking about...anyway...

I have been thinking a lot about this concept...what would I be doing if I didn't have this problem? How would my life look? So this summer I am determined to get my house 'dejunked' and organize my self so I can live that life.  What do you think?  Do I seem crazy?

I guess only time will tell....

I will say...the whole online/email thing I can handle...messaging back and forth, etc. But I am pretty sure if someone shows up at my door and there is any sexual energy...I am going to freak!  Oh...but let me guess...my counselor will end up saying something like..."you have inside you what you need"  Yeah...she is all about 'self empowerment'. I guess that is a good thing...after all...if you can help yourself from your 'inside' you are 'always there for yourself'. But that doesn't solve my problem of how to handle sexual energy..the hard thing is that I 'want him to be sexually attracted to me' and I 'want to be sexually attracted to him' I just don't know how to handle it..sigh...

I have talked to this guy at my second job...just a really nice guy...retired policemen or something...starting up some second job of driving seniors around like 'Driving Miss Daisy'. He seems to like me...not in a seductive way...just nice...he would come up and ask if I knew any jokes, etc...I would just 'spaz' trip over my words, not think well..he would just stand and patiently wait until I could get my words together...sigh...I don't know what I am going to do if I actually go on a date...

Searching for my abuser..."I wouldn't do it!"

I am frustrated that I can't remember how my abuse started. I just know some of the horrible things that boy did to me and I can't figure out how I allowed it. I just can't believe that he could have done the things he did to me without something else happening before that. I am sure he was being abused...he couldn't come up with all that stuff on his own..I don't see how I could have been 'under his power' to that extend without something happening before that....some type of trauma or horrible experience...

I wanted to sit down with someone and go over all my family members and family dynamics and see what I can come up with. I tried to see if I could see my counselor...but she just left on vacation for 2 weeks. I tried to see if I could visit with another counselor that works in the same place, the one that helped me with the 'tappers' and she is also not available for the next week or so. I guess the Lord wants me to take care of this one myself...

I got thinking of a distant relative that I remember my mother said had molested his step daughters and a few other women in my family that I think or know were abused...it was a little disturbing to think it was more than 2 of us. It is funny how you perceive your family to be so awesome and together...then sometimes you look a little closer and it can be disturbing....sigh...it does make me wonder if there are any families that exist that are 'untouched by abuse'?

I called the wife of a cousin that is in this family and talked to her...it was so great to be able to open up to someone. She seemed so knowledgeable about abuse, I finally asked her how she knew so much and she reminded me that she used to work for the sheriff's department and they always sent the 'abuse victims' to her to help and support. She told me that she knows over 100 people that were abused and I would be amazed at who they were...we discussed the abuser of my relatives and I found out eventually that he liked young ladies (12-14) and not little girls (my abuse started before I was 7 years old). It was weird to talk about it so open and honestly. She was very aware of the abuser's history, there was no doubt he had harmed girls but I didn't fit his pattern. It was strangely satisfying to know that I was believed and yet was also able to eliminate a suspect.

With that small piece of 'calm' I began thinking about what some people have said..."Why do you want to dig up all that pain?" "Why can't you just let it go?" "What if you can't remember?" "What are you afraid of remembering?" I don't know the answers to those questions...what I do know is that I need to do something different than what I have been doing to put it to rest.  I can't just ignore it, that is what I have been doing the past 40+ years and look where it is has got me.

As I pondered this conversation in my head with my counselor (I don't want you to think I was talking or arguing with myself) I kept saying, Why? Why?Why? I found myself yelling to her in my head, "Because I wouldn't do it! I wouldn't do what he made me do if I had a choice! Something must have happened, before the abuse I can remember happened!"

As I said these words in my head my anxiety began to drop...I pondered why and decided that the words I was just yelling in my head 'felt right'. I wouldn't do it. I was innocent of the responsibility for what happened to me. I was not guilty of any sin. I had no reason to feel any shame or guilt. I have been trying to tell myself this for the past year or so...but this time it seemed to resonate in my soul. The emotion, intensity, and power of what I was 'yelling in my head' felt so strong and true. The words and what they meant seemed to settle deep in my heart and 'fit'. I have gained a new solidness and peace deep in my heart...I will do all that I can to keep it there...

I think I have some wonderful people in my family that love me and care for me. I also feel that there are some skeletons that no one has ever talked about...not alot...but some...and my family doesn't know how to talk about things....