Dealing with intimacy issues while dating...or preparing to date...

So...we have spend many hours talking about pretty much anything.

I was joking with him one time...that we could talk about anything...Anything I said?  Anything. How about menopause?  He laughed and said, "We can talk about hemorrhoids if you want."

I can't describe how fun it is to have the conversation go from church to kids to intimacy to kids to work to kids...it just is so much fun...we laugh about how we can talk forever! I can feel myself opening up to him...connecting to him...I think of all the emotions I used to have as a kid...feeling that I could look at people - gaze into their eyes and truly feel their emotions and understand them at a level deeper than most people even realize exists. And that has begun with him...we joke about me finishing his sentences...we will be messaging and occasionally he will say, "Get out of my mind woman!" and we both laugh...it feels so good to be connected with someone..to just to be able to 'feel' and know that I am alive and living...I don't know if that makes any sense...but for me...it is vital.

So...back to intimacy...
Sigh...yeah...I keep talking about it with him...I remember one time I said, "I really am not a pervert...I just need to talk about this." He responded..."Of course, I understand with my intellect what your needs are, you need to feel safe." wow...my mouth about dropped open on that one...

So...why do I need to talk about intimacy so much?

Because if I marry My Man...I want to be present and feel everything there is to feel. I want to be able to truly love him...in every aspect...emotionally, physically, spiritually, intellectually. I want to be able to give my all to my husband and lover.

Therefore...
I need to know how he will touch me...
Is his touch demanding something...or is it giving...
How he will react if I don't want to do something.
(My Man has said, you can tell me no. My ex told me no a lot...I'm used to it)
How he will ask me to do things.
What he will want to do...
I want to feel that we are doing something together...not him doing something to me..if that makes any sense...
How patient will he be...
What if I am not ready for intercourse the minute we get to our hotel after marriage...

I talked to him about how I have had times where I kind of 'space out' when being intimate and I don't want to do that with him...So, one of the first times we were kissing...his face was close to mine...and he was holding me...and kissing me softly and whispering..."Stay with me." Sitting here writing this it brings tears to my eyes...realizing how much he wanted me to be 'present'. He isn't just trying to 'get off' on his own personal thrill, he wants to bring me pleasure and joy...he wants to share intimacy with me. He wants to be intimate with me. He wants me to feel loved and desired and cherished and respected. I don't think I need to tell you that being with My Man is a whole different world and I think I like it.

You know what the best part of this particular time in our relationship is?
He wants to make me happy. I can feel that he is the type of man that feels more like a man when he can care for a woman and make her feel loved. It is almost like he is getting excited about being able to help me feel comfortable enough to relax and enjoy intimacy. (It kind of reminds me of when I took my massage class before I married - in the hopes I would get over some of my touch issues. All my classmates wanted to give me a massage because they wanted to see if they could do it in a way that I was comfortable - it was pretty obvious that I was extremely conservative...lol)  He so WANTS to 'please me' and it makes him feel like more of a man to care and please his woman.

Wow...how lucky can I get? All that and brains too...oh...and his hairy chest (sorry - I know he will read this and I do love a good hairy chest.).

I have been thinking the last few days about if we are going to end up committed for eternity (we have decided that if we marry we will have an engagement long enough to try and get a cancellation of my sealing to my ex - I am understanding we will need at least 3 months) that I need to be willing to let him go if that is what the Lord wants for me. I don't know if that makes sense either...one of those...if you love them set them free...kind of moments. It makes me feel that if I can go to the Lord and say if the Lord has a different plan for me - I will follow it. If I can do that...then if we commit...it will be by choice and with the blessing of the Lord. I am pretty sure that is what we both want.

Wish me luck!

Ok...I guess there are some good guys still out there...

So...
A friend of mine...said something to a group of friends about me 'being available'...and one of my other friends emailed me. (Did you follow that?) So I end up receiving this email telling me about her experience finding her second husband. She talked about praying to know which site to be on, spending time every day 'looking' for her man. She told me that there are men out there ready to find a woman that love God and wants a man that will be faithful and true. She encouraged me to keep trying and to not give up.

Sigh...

So...I checked out a different website and met a few new people. I started talking with someone that actually lives close to me (wow...that's kinda refreshing) and we found out we have MANY things in common. It has actually become a joke at this point...our sons had similar eagle scout projects. Our sons (different sons) are both studying the same occupation - exact same. We had a few friends in common...he has many similarities to my brother that I love dearly. I could go on and on...but suffice it to say...we have things in our lives that are similar.

As we started getting to know each other...it was all so different. First off, he had married when he was younger than 25...no serious commitment issues. So, the thought of getting serious with someone and committing to that person had no fear for him...that was different. It is like there was no hesitancy...just someone looking for someone else and wanting to love and be happy...how refreshing.

We emailed quite a bit and then finally we met. It went really well...we talked for over 3 1/2 hours. Then the ice cream place closed and we had to go. I thought it a little weird that he told me he had a great time getting to know me and would call me soon and then he just left. No hand shake, no hug, nothing. I just kinda shrugged and figured I would wait and see what would happen.

We were both texting before we got home..

A few days later I was going to take some of my kids on an outing with a friend and her family. At the last minute she couldn't go - they didn't have enough adults for a youth conference and she told me it was fine to go. I didn't feel comfortable going with just her husband (even though we would have 6+ kids from ages 5-21 with us) so I asked my new man if he wanted to go...he asked to bring his son and I thought..sure..why not? We agreed that it would be easy to just go as friends since we were barely beginning to date...to be sensitive to our kids..no touching or anything...just hanging out...as friends.

Well...my kids all said..."Wow mom, he's cool!" "He's just like a regular guy...so normal."

Yeah...I guess that says something about their dad.

My man was laughing as I told him...not quite understanding the significance of my kids thinking he was normal.  How sad is that?

Anyway...after that I did some 'mutual friend checking' and a couple people mentioned that they weren't sure if his divorce was final. Because if he is not legally divorced...we can't date. So I asked him.  Guess what?  It was not final...sigh...everything is signed and sitting at the courthouse waiting for time to pass...she left him over a year ago...so it seems pointless...but...rules are rules...whatever...

So...we realized we were grateful we hadn't really touched or anything and sat back pondering how it would be to date...realizing that we can't date right now... but we could still talk a little bit. His ex wife had left him over a year ago...so it wasn't like he had just walked out on her and the ink was drying on the divorce agreement...

I joked with him that since he has a job, active in church with a recommend, is intelligent and decently tall...he could probably marry any single LDS woman in the state...lol!

Bottom line?
Apparently not every man that is single and middle aged is messed up..or at least can still function and is not afraid to make a commitment to someone. I guess only time will tell if he is the one for me.
Believe me...I'll let you know!