Still better than I imagined and I am feeling more

So...we have known each other for over a year now and been married for over half a year. Things are going awesome!

We have had some struggles with our kids - but the best part is none of them have ever even started a comment about 'why did we marry?' I know they can see how happy we are with each other and how different our lives are. I like that part of it.

The down side is that we don't have the privacy of learning more about each other in a home where we are alone. Several of our children live with us and some have returned from college. Some days I feel they are watching us like hawks to see how we are dealing. I think my kids are worse because I was single longer. They don't remember as well when their dad lived with me. We were laughing with his daughter about how we never had an argument. ...yeah....we had our first argument that night.  It was weird in that I didn't cower like I did in the past. I didn't shut down and refuse to talk. We were both upset and took a break - then I went back downstairs and we talked and it was ok. I am so used to pouting and being passive aggressive but I really tried to be a little more mature. He can just let things 'roll off his back' better and was just giving me space. After a few days we had it figured out. Now we both know that we don't want to argue - and we will try to make sure and give the other person the 'benefit of the doubt' and listen a little better. Aren't arguments always about silly things and misunderstandings? We are closer now because we know our relationship is more important than a silly argument.

Intimacy has been interesting. I still am not as relaxed as I wish...but I am getting there. I am pleasantly pleased to learn that I am feeling more than when we first married. It is almost weird..as I was trying to become more in tune with my body I started having all these weird aches and pains. In the past I was known for having all kinds of bruises and such and never knowing where they came from. After I ended up at the Dr for a few different aches and pains I realized that I appeared like a hypochondriac and then my husband mentioned that I was feeling more and he was touching me lightly and I could feel it. I had to laugh to myself as I realized that I wasn't a hypochondriac but I was starting to tune into my body more and it was a little intense sometimes. Very interesting feelings. I think one of the most exciting things about that is that it reminds me that I can change and that my past will not define me. I still don't have a lot of feeling inside but everything else is becoming more sensitive, so I am not giving up.

My girls are loving the fact that he loves, respects and cares about them. It just warms my heart when I see them talk to him and laugh and he says that he loves them and they say, "I know" It's a good thing. They see he isn't perfect and has things about him that bug them but they see how much he loves me and how happy I am. My son that has always felt 'outside' with his dad adores him.

My daughter was dating a guy that had some stuff to deal with and he was hesitant to go to counseling. She told him, "My mom was really screwed up and she went to a LOT of counseling and now she is able to love deeper than I ever thought possible. Go get some counseling!" I am still trying to decide if that was a compliment...lol!

I had a friend that has just gone through a terrible mess with her marriage and she started her problems when I was getting married. She didn't want to spoil my happiness so she just kind of distanced herself. Her divorce is final now and she told me....I needed to see you so happy!  Then she said, I had no idea how lonely divorce was....I am so sorry. I smiled at her and said, "Don't you remember how often I would tell you how much I appreciated your friendship and time and how you would come up to me and hug me??  Now you know how much it meant." We never know what we are able to give to others.  I pray that this blog helps other women to know that there is always hope in love and Our Father in Heaven always has a plan for us. Don't ever give up!

As I sit her on the couch...thinking about my life...realizing how far I have come...I know it was painful...but it is like I almost don't want to go back and read about my past. I have been able to put it in a box...I understand it better...I can see the strength I received from my Heavenly Father and I know that my Savior never left my side. He lives and I know it with every fiber of my being!  Don't ever give up on His love!

Hmmm...do I remember how to be happy?

Well...I am engaged.  Yes...what I never thought would happen..has happened...and it is better than I ever thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong...there will be issues! But the difference that I can see is that we want to solve them together. We have a couple of months before we marry and we are laughing that even grocery shopping together is fun. Christmas shopping was a blast! He is interested in what the kids want, trying to find something that will make them happy - not just 'be a gift for the amount we said we would spend'.  It is a whole new world...and I think I like it.

We are going to try and cancel my sealing - things have gone so much better since we made that decision. I am still doing well with intimacy. I will confess I am a little nervous about our wedding night...but even that anxiety is getting better. Let's just say you should never underestimate the power of an emotional connection.

He wanted to join a group that dances once a week and I finally decided to go. It was a good decision. It has allowed me to become more accustom to his touch in a 'stress free' environment. Well..if you call dancing stress free...lol! It has helped me to want to anticipate his moves and work together. To want to be close to him and just enjoy doing something together.  If anyone else out there is in a similar situation to me...feel free to think about joining a dance class. Besides, it is fun :) I will say it is the first time that I have been part of a group that is not school or church. It is a very diverse group and kind. It is fun!  Seriously, think about it...

So...how I am I feeling?

For the first time I truly want to 'be pretty' for someone.  I want him to look at me and smile and be just like I dreamed...that he can look at me from the across the room and I can see how much he loves me. We were at a dance last night and one of our friends was teasing us that we are all 'giddy and puppy dog in love'. It felt wonderful.

Granted, our kids get grossed out. We just love being next to each other..doing anything together. One of my daughters has talked about that when she marries, she wants to be very affectionate with her spouse...but apparently that doesn't mean she wants to see us kiss...lol! But, the other night I could see a few of my kids enjoying the two of us. We were joking about politics and other silly things. It seemed so 'normal' and the kids were happy. I was thinking about why and I think part is that there was an adult man and woman that all cared about them...it was nice to see them happy.

Which gets to me...planning a wedding/reception was not something I wanted to do a second time. This time it is different...I just feel that I want to have a good time and have fun. I want my friends to be happy with me. I feel that for so long I have been avoiding activities because I didn't want to go alone...not participating in things because I was single...etc...

When I thought about getting married...I thought...we should just elope!  But a friend of mine said, "You need to let us celebrate love! Let your kids see you in love and your friends supporting you!" So...that is kinda what we are doing. Just thinking more about how we want to have a good time with friends...not so much 'everything has to be perfect'. Just...we want to throw a party. I don't know if that makes any sense...but...that is our plan.

Sidebar - my friends are much more responsible and helpful at this age...lol!

So...I am not too worried about my wedding night..because I know that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me or pressure me...and I love him.

I am seeing a whole new path ahead of me. I will confess, I was kinda to the point that I figured the blessings of an eternal companion would have to wait until the next life. But the Lord had a different plan...He loves me and he loves 'my man' :).

I can hardly wait to get started on our life together...sharing our dreams as well as our burdens...it will be...and it is...a wonderful life and I have every right to be happy!