I do believe I am getting stronger...hmmmm...who'da thought?

Well...life continues to happen. My ex continues to be a jerk...my boss at work is a 'micro manager' and I once again am in the summer months when my regular job doesn't pay (I work at a school) so I will be moonlighting where ever I can. It was all kind of coming to a head the other day (oh yeah...also because it was the anniversary of my mother's death) and I was feeling overwhelmed and alone. I ended up talking to a friend for awhile but I realized that I didn't have the 'desperation/depression' that I have had in the past. The feelings that my counselor friend would identify as 'spinning downward'. I was just emotionally full I guess?

I remember feeling that even though I had more on my 'plate' than I wanted to deal with I was still willing to deal. The biggest one I had to deal with was my ex...because he kept bugging me. He is all about control and he wants me to 'approve' a summer visitation calendar. But he wants to go to court and have it 'official'. I keep telling him that there is no need to go to court. If we both agree the courts could care less. He responds, "Don't you want to be able to hold me to the agreement?" My thoughts were NO! I want it to be a 'living document' that we can adjust as the kids needs change and things come up. (I had flashbacks of the mediator submitting the wrong document a few years ago and he ended up with the kids for the first 2 Christmases and his response was simply, "That is what the agreement says.") Of course, since the divorce his inability to change and be flexible have grown dramatically. He is not handling things well. I was trying to figure out if I needed to stand my ground and not go to court to sign it...and he has been emailing me much more lately. I wonder if it is in part because he knows I am dating movie guy? It drives me crazy because I can't stand communicating with him because everything turns into an argument. I remember my Stake President telling me after my daughter left on her mission...I think you should avoid talking to him unless it is absolutely necessary. I agree....unfortunately we have 5 children together so we have to talk a little...sigh...

Anyway...
I am currently reading the conference issue of the Ensign with my study buddy and of course just the other day I read What Are You Thinking? by Elder Zwick. So of course, I had to ask myself what he was thinking...and I guess he is just paranoid because he has lost so much? I was at the Temple last night trying to let things sift and I decided I could meet him to sign the stupid paper and maybe it will just keep adding to the proof that the kids shouldn't spend excessive time with him because he is unstable? I can only hope. But, I can also get something out of it. I remember the marriage counselor we went to for awhile telling me that I should never agree to anything with my ex unless I am getting something out of it. Otherwise, he will crush me emotionally. So, I made a proposition to him this morning. I will meet him if he gives permission to me to take the kids out of state anytime I want this summer during my time. We shall see how that will work out.

But, as I was at the Temple, a few of the sisters were asking me how I was doing and I responded "good." Which was true...but I was impressed that I could feel that way will all the drama that had gone off for the week. The temple is truly healing for me. I am so grateful that there is a temple close by. I love going when I can see all the workers I know. They asked me how long I was going to stay and do initiatories and I said for awhile. They had a new worker that was trying to learn it and sometimes they don't have any patrons late at night. She was so excited to try and learn it all. I was planning on staying so they were excited. The new worker did so well...I don't think I have ever seen someone new do so well. I would just sit and grin with her and she was even making eye contact. A couple of times I knew the words that she was stumbling over and we would say it together and she would just grin. When we were done she threw her arms around me and thanked me for being so patient and encouraging. The worker next to her said, "Yes..this is Sister .... and we just love her. Fridays aren't the same when she isn't here." Yeah...I could feel the love.

While I was participating I thought about why I enjoy going so much. I think it is because I truly enjoy being surrounded by women that love me. I can't help but think of my mother and how much she loves me. I know she is near and supporting me in any way that she can. Some days I am amazed at how close she is. I have an inner feeling of peace and confidence that at times feels incredibly empowering. I think back to that time that I walked to church in the dark to meet my bishop to get a blessing. I didn't want to take a flashlight (I was horribly afraid of the dark as a child) and I just felt confident that I would be fine. It is kind of like that feeling but even stronger and deeper inside of me. I know that the Lord has a plan for me and I know that He love me and my children. I know He is aware of us and everything will work out. That doesn't mean I won't continue to have bumps in the road...but it will work out. Kind of makes me think of a verse in the Doctrine and Covenants that a friend shared with me. D &C 127:2

"And as for the perils which I am called to pass through, they seem but a small thing to me, as the envy and wrath of man have been my common lot all the days of my life; and for what cause it seems mysterious, unless I was ordained from before the foundation of the world for some good end, or bad, as you may choose to call it. Judge ye for yourselves. God knoweth all these things, whether it be good or bad. But nevertheless, deep water is what I am wont to swim in. It all has become a second nature to me; and I feel, like Paul, to glory in tribulation; for to this day has the God of my fathers delivered me out of them all, and will deliver me from henceforth; for behold, and lo, I shall triumph over all my enemies, for the Lord God hath spoken it."

I am not saying that I am anything close to Joseph Smith...but I am saying that I definitely have my share of trials and I realize I am not allowing them to define me. I did joke with movie dude that my life is not easy and I am pretty sure my problems are not going to disappear if I marry someone...so he needs to consider himself warned.

Maybe I am like my daughter. She talked to me the other day stating that she realizes that a huge part of who she is is the result of what she has had to endure. She said she wouldn't want to take her disease away because she can see how it has made her stronger. Yeah..she is an old soul. I hope I can grow up to be like my daughter....I know that I am truly blessed...and that knowledge will help me to overcome the trials that are ahead and for that I am eternally grateful. God lives..I feel it deep within my heart. I know it with every fiber of my being. The struggles we go through here in life will make us stronger if we allow Him to help us. That is what I am going to do.

What is Happiness? How do I know when I have achieved it?

I was reading the April 2014 Ensign and came across the article Lasting Happiness by Craig P. Wilson and I started thinking about happiness.What is it really? Am I happy? Will I ever be happy? Am I happier now after all that I have been through?

I have no clue!

Well...maybe I have a few clues...I think I like myself better than before and that is a good thing. I think I can focus on my kids better and 'feel' their moods and emotions. So maybe I am getting closer to happiness?

I was talking to my daughter and she was feeling frustrated about not dating (I know...wait until she gets to college) and said that many boys at school have told her, "You are great to talk to and I really enjoy your company, but I need someone that is more intimate". She went on to say that some say it better than others...but is the basically the same message. I don't want to date you because of your standards. She talked about being worried that she will go off to college and not know how to handle a man. I sit here and wonder if "I" know how to handle a man?

I spent some time with my kids last week for Easter Break. We had a really good time...we went and stayed with a friend for a few days and got to play around and see some sights. I am really glad we went. It made me think about my kids. I hope they know how much I love them...because I truly do love them.

I am becoming so much more aware of my kids and physical touch. My 2 younger boys crack me up. My kids often gripe about how all I want to do is 'sit and watch movies', well...I do like to watch movies. But I am finding that when my boys come home from their dad's house, if I sit and turn on the TV, they will come and sit by me..it doesn't take long for my teenage boy to use my legs like a footstool. My youngest will come up and lay against me, hold my hand, etc. I am so glad they will do this, I think physical contact is so important. I don't want the first person that will come up and touch them to make them think that it is 'love' or 'something special'. I want them to understand what healthy touch is. I do worry a little about my daughter...she jokes about having 'touch issues' and I think she is struggling with being open and loving because she feels so betrayed by my divorce and how her father treats her. My hope is that my efforts to point out quality men at church, point out how people make you feel, think about what is important to her and anyone that wants to feel loved, will pay off. I can only pray and do what I can...she is still the only person that can decide how she thinks.

Agency...it effects everyone...you know?

So, what is happiness?  I think it is understanding that life is full of trials. It is understanding that when life doesn't go your way...it doesn't mean that your Heavenly Father has left or doesn't care. It is realizing that you are not alone and that your Savior will always be there and better things are ahead. So am I happy? Yes...I think so....I hope so...I pray that I may be happy...and that my children will be able to find happiness inside themselves as well as with those around them that will love them.

I am comfortable in my own skin...it is a good thing.

I have been reflecting on the fact that the last few months have felt pretty good to me. I am surviving the challenges of my X and my kids aren't driving me crazy...it is a good thing. :)

My X got a gym membership and all my kids are now members...I decided to join (a friend pointed out that it would help me to stay close to my boys) and I think it is a good thing. What has been interesting is that I have never been a 'gym goer'. I am not opposed to exercise...In fact I quite enjoy walking and such. But to sit and 'do exercises' has never been a big dream.

Well...that is changing. It is almost weird. I have enjoyed working out. I really enjoy it when I can go with my daughter and we talk and chat about how it makes us feel good. She talks about how she just wants to feel better about herself. I have to laugh sometimes when she will encourage me, telling me that 'you can go farther than you mind thinks you can mom...just distract yourself'. Then we both laugh at how we need more than an hour to do all the exercises that we need to do.

It dawned on me the other day while doing a 'hand bicycle' type exercise that I was enjoying the feeling of my body. It was kind of surprising....I was enjoying the feel of my muscles stretching and working. I was enjoying the strength I was beginning to feel and the power inside of me. It is a good feeling. I keep thinking about how my counselor friend told me that if I truly 'healed' I would be comfortable in my own skin and be able to 'stand tall and breathe' and I guess that is what I am feeling.

The other up side to it is that I can sit and listen to the scriptures or conference talks. Did you know that on the 'LDS Gospel Library' app you can search under 'institute' and find the CES firesides?  They are truly incredible. I will confess that I am not 'super attentive' to what I am listening, but I sure love the feeling it gives me and that makes me happy.

I am still dating 'movie dude'. I am not sure where it is going to go, and that is ok. I do not have to know the answer to that right now. What I do know is that it feels good to be around and with him. Maybe I am just to help him become a little stronger in the church? I don't know...But I am going to just follow the path that is ahead of me until I feel different.

I did warn him...'hooking up with me' is not going to be an easy road. I know that I will always have challenges in my life...getting married is not going to stop that. PLUS I have a 'psycho X' and 5 kids. He really needs to think about it...

I think the biggest improvement I can see for me is that I am 'calm' and feel confident that I will be able to handle whatever comes my way. I know the Lord is there for me and will always be there for me. If I can't feel Him, than I need to move closer. I don't think I have ever felt this centered in my life...it is a good feeling and I want to keep it...forever...

I am opening up and feeling more....and I am doing good (or is it well)

I am still going to the Temple regularly...I must say I do feel that Temple attendance is what is keeping me sane. I love the ladies there so much...they help me to feel loved and wanted. I had to smile last time I was there...one of the workers apologized for not being there the week before. She had a commitment with her grandson..told me she was sorry and that she missed me. How sweet is that?

So...in my efforts to figure out if I am 'truly feeling'...I am still dating 'movie dude' and I still enjoy his company. I am trying to be more aware of control...trying to relax and let him come to me. Not feel that I need to  be assertive and dominant. I think it is because if I am in control I know what is happening and I am not worried or afraid. If I sit back and relax...I have to trust him more and I worry about what he is going to do. I think it is interesting that I haven't had to talk all about this yet with him. He knows I was abused...and I have told him I like how gentle he is...that is about it. So...it is a process...and I am trying my best to do my part...sigh...

Anyway...back to the Temple...
I was trying to get to the 3pm session...often I will get there with less than 5 minutes and all the workers have been impressed with how fast I can change :) But I missed it by a couple of minutes...

I decided to go do some sealings...They were waiting for a woman so they could proceed and were excited that I came. I felt that I was where I needed to be. I was in there for over 1 1/2 hours. The Spirit was very strong and I had some great experiences. My temple buddy had told me that when we are doing intitatories together she can feel the love of the people whose work I am doing...so I was thinking about that quite a bit...it was good. Then I went to do some intiatories...

As I went through the curtain, I pulled it to the side to wait until they were ready for me...as I touched the curtain...I felt this warm...the curtain felt different. Now remember, I have been going almost every Friday for over a year...The curtain felt strong, beautiful, shimmery, delicate, powerful, loving..I sat there and felt it and the thought came to me...'someone has touched this'. I felt it had been touched by someone from the other side of the veil...it had left some of its power, beauty and strength. I realized that I was 'feeling the difference'. I began to cry and realized that there was power and strength within the actual structure of the Temple. Beings pass by and through...I thought back to the stories of workers in the Temple...when they are being constructed and every day they go through and make sure there are no random marks or notes written on the inner walls...it doesn't matter if they will be painted over...it cannot be there. Now I understand why. As I sat and pondered how this felt to me, I realized that my 'physical awareness and sensitivity' was increasing and I was 'feeling' more. This, of course, made me cry some more...in gratitude...grateful to my Heavenly Father that He is aware of my needs and wants and desires and he is helping me to be where both of us want me to be.

I was thinking the other day...it has take me about 3 years...but if someone were to come up and ask me how I was doing, I would say, "Good!" Man is that a nice feeling.

Don't get me wrong...if I marry...it will still take some patience and understanding on his part for me to allow myself to become completely intimate. But I can see myself working through it and being more happy than I have ever been in my life.

To get to that point...I will have to open up my heart...I may get hurt...really hurt...but that will just remind me of how much I am feeling and how good it will be...eventually....

I think I am strong enough to try...I guess only time will tell...

Thanks for listening...

I might be making progress....

So...heaven forbid my life not have drama every now and then...

My kids have learned that 'children over 14 can make their own decision on who they want to live with. Well, that is true to an extent...but not a guarantee - I mean, after all, they are not emancipated adults. My older son is living with his dad and is still in high school. One of my friends told me, "So, he is moving to a place with his own room and fewer rules? Wow..I wouldn't even take that personally." I like to think that is the case...plus he is 16. My other friends tell me that all 16 year old boys are a pain...He is my first so I am just now learning that.

Last week, he comes over and tells me that my second son wants to spend more time with him at his dad's house and he is going to pack up some clothes and go right now and there is nothing I can do about it. Wow...another shocker..seriously?  You think you have that much freedom?  I wish I could pack up and go live with someone else...I try to stand my ground and get annoyed for the millionth time that I let my son intimidate me and I wish I had better control. I finally tell my second son that I will let him stay the one night but he will come back later.

Now, background on this is that my ex is working and no longer home at night. The next day I ask my son, "What are you going to do when your brother works?"  I don't want him staying in an empty apartment, he agrees...he doesn't want to do that either. I ask about when he has practice after school?  Doesn't want to go then...Mutual? He wants to be at my house then..So...How is this 50/50 with his dad?  Man, he just wants to be with his older brother...I can't blame him for that.

So...I get a calendar and try to figure out what it is that he wants...he doesn't know...so I tell him that I will try and work around what he wants but he has to communicate and just like anything else. Just because he wants it, doesn't mean it will always happen. I think he is ok with it...

Then..I have to go to court again for child support. I am SO TIRED of going to court. But the difference this time is that after the episode with my boys, the next day I fasted. As I was praying throughout the day, the thought came to me that I could maybe survive without any child support. So when my daughter finishes high school this summer maybe we could just say it is 'even' and neither one of us pay anything.

Before we went before the judge we had to meet with a lawyer because I have involved Child Support Services...apparently someone in government was intelligent enough to realize that if a couple has turned to child support services, chances are they can't communicate. Incredible insight...don't you think?

Anyway...I proposed that when my daughter is out of school we just not pay anything to each other...it took a while and the lawyer gave my ex a few eye rolls...but he agreed. I told him that if he makes more money...good for him..spend it on the kids. If I make more money...good for me...I'll spend it on the kids.

I said that I wanted the kids to feel that they could go to whoever's house and not feel that one of us was losing money out of our pocket. I am thinking that it might really help my kids feel loved by both of us. I am feeling like it will work. I know that the lawyer said that once they make the order it can't be changed unless there is a significant change of circumstance. I hope it works out as well as I think it can.

So...what is interesting is how I have been feeling...I have been feeling like..Yeah...maybe my kids can relax and just be where they want to be and feel ok with it. I feel a lot of my 'anger and fight' draining out of me and I am feeling good. I feel like I 'took a stand' with my son and we 'worked together' and that was good. I really hope that I am learning how to be 'me' and not feel that I need to bow to others or feel intimidated. Wow...flashbacks to my counselor friend's advice...if I can truly heal...I will be able to 'Stand tall and breathe'. Maybe that is what I am doing?

Don't get me wrong...I was upset when my boys were telling me they could just pack up and leave and I couldn't do anything about it. But I was just able to deal with it better. I remember a talk by Elder Bednar In the Strength of the Lord that talks about the enabling power of the atonement and to not pray for your circumstances to change...but that you may change your circumstances. Maybe that is what I was able to do, to change my circumstances. I sure hope so...

Ok..here is something off the 'weirdo meter'...while we were discussing (and I use the term lightly) my ex said that he was trying to 'keep the family together' and that 'he wants to keep all of us together and take me back, because I was the one that wanted the divorce'. I don't think my brain even processed what he was saying until about 2 phrases later...it was so unexpected. I didn't really respond..I just kept talking with the lawyer...I was talking to my online guy and he said I should have stopped the conversation and made a point of telling him there is no chance I would ever go back to him. He thinks because I didn't answer him my ex is going to have hope that I might go back to him.

I actually wondered if I wanted to do that...for about a milisecond...and there is no way I could go back. The thought of having my kids all under one roof and happy is pretty darn appealing..but no...I could never go back to him. It is just so weird to think about...

I have such a different understanding of what a family is and how they support each other. I see how much it hurts my kids...how they long to be a 'normal family' which nowadays...who knows what that even is? I look at couples so differently now..I can truly see how HUGE the commitment factor is. To truly feel that no matter what...you will both try to work it out. Man, I want that...someone to really feel connected to and love...someone that has my back and I have theirs. I keep thinking I will have that...I feel that I will...I guess I just have to keep going down my path.

Feelings, connections, relationships - moving or just hanging out...

I am still dating movie dude and I enjoy his company quite a bit. It is really fascinating how my feelings are evolving. I love just talking to him and hanging out. It is ok if we talk and if we don't. (This is progress for me since I am often one of those people that become uncomfortable if there is silence - unless I know the person really well). We have gone to movies, basketball games, and last night we went to a play. I feel that he will 'look out' for me and take care of me and treat me with respect and try to do anything that will make me happy.

So what is wrong with this picture you ask? I'm not really sure. I do know that I am not going to figure out if I want to commit to a relationship 'over night'. So I am not sure if I need to know right now.

I was reading the blog of a friend and she had some interesting insight...Why are you proposing to me? She talked about relationships and the need to feel a decision should be made within a few dates on whether a man should be part of your life for 24/7. She made a great visual of the concept 'exploration' then decide between two options..no thanks or keep going...'more exploration'...no thanks or keep going...

I like the idea that just deciding to explore the relationship doesn't mean that you should get engaged, it means you need to 'explore some more'. So as I am thinking about this...I don't know if there is a future with 'movie dude'. I do know it is so very good for me to be around a man that is so respectful and kind. I like the way he opens doors and helps me on with my coat, he is always very attentive to me and what I am doing and willing to help with anything I might need. A girl could get used to that, you know?

Now I need to think about how I feel about him. Am I still hung up on intimacy? Unfortunately I think the answer is yes. We have kissed some and I am trying to stay 'present' and 'feel' when he is close. I think about if I need to worry about 'going too far' and I really don't think I do. I have no interest in having more serious physical relations right now. I feel like when we are kissing it is just a nice place to be. I tend to 'lead' and I am trying to stop doing that. I realize it is control issues and I need to be comfortable letting him come to me and not being afraid of him or anything that he might do.

He is a true boy scout so I don't think I have to worry to much about him doing anything inappropriate and I am so grateful for that. I do feel that I can trust him. But I also should not be stupid. I realize that 'playing with intimacy' is a stupid thing to do. So what am I doing? I don't know...I just know that I enjoy his company and I feel good knowing he cares about me. I was talking to my daughter about the power of men over women. I told her I feel that I am more attractive because I know a man cares about me and that 'thought' is irritating. She agreed and understood exactly what I meant. We discussed that was the reason that the Lord has said how evil it is for men to use unrighteous dominion over women and children. D&C 121:19-22 

I remember being in the marriage counselor's office...I was an emotional mess and I was shaking and quivering and my ex was getting mad at the counselor (I had told the counselor I was done - I wanted a divorce and I needed him to help me tell me ex) my ex was telling him that he was supposed to be helping us stay together not break us apart. The counselor looked at me and then my ex and said, "No woman that has been properly cared for would ever be in the emotional state your wife is in." That ended the conversation....


I feel confident that the Lord has a marriage to a good man in my future...I just need to walk the path until I find it. I think that I will be hurt. I think that I will have to 'put myself out there'. I will have to 'take a chance' and I will have to open up my heart. But I do feel that if I am willing to do all those things...I will be in a position to truly love someone...and even better...he will love me.

And maybe that is why it can be such a wonderful and beautiful thing when a man does love and respect women and especially his wife.

Dating, Love, Marriage...where am I now?

Ok...I've been dating movie dude for about 4 months. I enjoy his company, he spoils me (as far as taking me out to nice restaurants, opening doors, helping me on with my coat, etc.) and I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy his company. I do think it would be very hard for him to marry someone with children because he has been single for so long. He has made a very nice life for himself and is busy and happy for the most part. So....we are dating and enjoying the companionship of each other...I guess that is good, right?

So where am I in all of this?  For one, I am better understanding how big a change it would be to me and my kids if I remarried. If I brought a man into my house to be with me and my kids, it would take a lot for everyone to work together and get along....sigh...this is certainly not where I was last summer when I was dreaming of getting together with my online guy...I am hoping it is because I am better understanding what it all means and not chickening out.

I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I am grateful for that. I think I am still messed up as far as feeling and desires to be intimate and being comfortable being intimate. I think I slide too quickly into 'me controlling the intimacy' and not being able to just 'relax' and let someone 'come to me' if that makes sense. I don't know what I can do about that but just continue to be aware and try to relax more. I think I focus on what I am doing and tune out if I am being touched or kissed. I have wondered if I need to talk to a counselor about it, but I don't think that will help. I am really coming to the conclusion that I just need to find that someone that loves me and I can trust completely and together we will figure it out. I really hope that is the case because I am tired of thinking I am screwed up and need to see a counselor again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with counseling...believe me..I have certainly had my share...I just want to feel that I am learning to better deal with all my stuff and that I can handle things.

I will say that movie dude is hesitant to share personal information and I am realizing what an impact that has on how quickly the relationship progresses. That has been interesting for me to understand. He will ask me questions sometimes...like.."Have you dated other men from online?" and then he will say, "You don't have to answer that." and I realize that I don't have to answer that. And it is nice that I am able to do that. I am wondering if that is part of me overcoming the 'victim' mentality that thinks I have to do everything people tell me. So it is empowering to me to know that I don't have to, and sometimes I don't. I am not lying and I am not being dishonest. I am just learning that I don't have to do something just because someone asks or tells me to.  I am thinking that is nice...

So..where am I now?  I guess I am exactly where I want to be...and I think that is a good thing!