Counseling, Core Beliefs and Trying to Move a Mountain....(otherwise known as change)..

Ok...survived another session of counseling...
So here is what I have figured out...for whatever reason...when I was a child I understood that my opinions weren't as valid or important as the opinions of those around me...who knows how I came to this...but it resulted in my becoming quite perceptive to the emotions and thoughts of those around me.  I would then 'tune in' to others and try to do what I perceived that they wanted. This evolved into me feeding my self esteem on the ability to make others happy...in case you are curious...this is not a recipe for success.

I still don't know how my abuse started...but I can better understand why I didn't have the ability to say no or get away from him. I think that is why I felt I was a willing participant (that and the fact that I had disassociated from the pain and fear)...it was what he (my abuser) wanted.  Sigh...

My counselor talked about how 'confusing' it must have been to feel that I would be happy doing what other people wanted...but then when I was doing it it wasn't happy at all...sometimes I hate it when she does this..it is like 'Wow..that must have been so confusing for you as a small child..you couldn't process or understand it?" It is like she is almost 'baby talking' and I am sitting there nodding my head yes...part of me thinks she is trying to make me think that the thought has just occurred to her...but it is more likely that my healing is just following a textbook...and she is pretending to just 'realize' this stage...that is the part that bugs me...I don't know if I am just like everyone else that is trying to heal..basically going through the same stages..if so...dang!  Give me the textbook so I know what is happening...but that will probably 'interfere with the process'...and I won't learn for myself.  I hate it when you have to 'reinvent the wheel'. (Kind of like my job as a teacher...I am so tired of 'reinventing the wheel') Gotta say...sometimes growth sucks!

Then my counselor talked about how I would come into counseling (I have been in counseling off and on for almost 3 years...I didn't really start to deal with my abuse until about 8 months ago)...she talked about how I was so programmed to 'pick up on the emotions of others' and then I would come in and be almost obsessed with trying to figure out what she was thinking...so I could figure out what I was thinking...and she wasn't letting me in. I felt that she had an emotional wall up to block me from understanding what she was thinking and feeling...I couldn't see or feel what she thought..so I had no idea what I thought...it was like I had gone deaf (disconnecting as a child to my own feelings and emotions) and had learned to adapt...then I would go into counseling and suddenly I was also blind. I remember feeling void of any emotional input. I was putting out my feelers and getting 'nothing'. Extremely frustrating, in case you didn't pick up on that, to not be able to get any feedback from what I was doing or trying to communicate. She went on to mention that it sent me right back to being a kid, emotionally...I am pretty sure I would be embarrassed by how I acted sometimes in counseling...but hey...what can I say...nothing I can do about it now. So, of course, my counselor goes on about 'how frustrating that must have been for you' back to the baby voice...yeah...like getting frustrated at counseling was a concept I hadn't pondered or experienced...NOT!

So then we were talking about 'core beliefs'. This is another chapter in Mind Over Mood that talks about what your basic belief is (mainly about yourself). For example one of my core beliefs is that if anyone 'knew about my past...they would think I was a bad person and not like or approve of me'...this, of course, led me to constantly feel that my counselor hated me...because I was telling her all my 'dark secrets' and then I wasn't getting any emotional feedback to give me a response or reaction to how she was thinking...I didn't have any information to change my opinion...so...presto...she must think I am a loser and hate me. This is another example of a thought pattern that does not...shall we say...set you up for success or nuture a positive mental state.

So...what do I do to change these thought patterns that I have clung to for so many years...apparently it is ok if I don't 'get over it quickly'. That is comforting...because I am pretty sure I won't. I came up with a couple of phrases...one is..."I was sexually abused and the Lord loves me:" If I stick in the word 'still' or 'but' it doesn't count...because that changes the meaning of the phrase...it implies I don't deserve it. I did come up with this on my own...I guess that is good...my counselor seemed pleased...(but that implies that I am getting my answers through the impressions and thoughts of others...so I'll have to see how it works for me :)

My counselor asked me what I thought got things moving and changing in my head...that was easy to answer...when she told me she wasn't going to force me to do anything...then I heard/felt the emotion in her voice when she said, "You have been forced to do too many things in your life...I won't do that to you...not here...not in this room."  I think I will always remember how hearing that pulled me out of a fog...I did write a poem about it...one of the 'cleanest' poems ( I wrote it all out in about half an hour and only ended up changing a couple of words - very little pondering of what to say it just seemed to flow) "What is Trust?" I am still not too sure why it had such a huge impact on me...maybe it was the compassion in her voice...especially after so many months of 'no emotional feedback'. There was a desperation and sincerity in her voice...as if it was very important for me to understand that she truly meant it. I asked her at my next appointment why she said it so strongly...she said she just felt really impressed to make sure I was 'hearing' her.. I think she was feeling frustrated that I wasn't progressing, or trusting her, or whatever she was expecting me to do...there I go...feeling like I am not doing what people expect of me...that is another habit/core belief that I need to break...but one thing at a time...

She asked me how understanding that trust changed things...I said it gave me permission to be me...I was free...and I didn't know I wasn't free...until she said it...So...I guess I am making good progress...I still feel that a big chunk of my 'anxiety/depression' has dropped off and is gone...it has been almost 2 weeks and so I figure that is a good thing...

Next step, I guess, is to repeat my little phrases and see what it does...

I wouldn't say I trust my counselor completely...but I do think I am making progress...

Oh yeah...still haven't crossed over my wall...guess I am a big chicken!  I'm going back to the Temple in a couple of days...that might help!

Two Steps Forward and One Step Back! Sigh....

Ok...
I am thinking I am feeling better...maybe I don't need counseling every week...and then I hit the ground again.

Yeah...it is my X again...it is my weekend and my youngest son gets to go on his first camp out...so, of course, my X goes...does he communicate with me about picking him up?  NO!  That took 4 emails...and he still never told me whether he was picking him up to take him or if I had to drop him off...so I just dropped him off.  Then we get to figure out if my X is going to bring him home or if I need to pick him up? So my X texts me asking if I am home...find out they came by the house to drop my son's stuff off...my guess is my X came into my house AGAIN uninvited...I tell my X I am picking up my other son and I will be home in an hour. So my X takes him to his house because I'm not home...jerk!

My son finally comes home and my X is at the door and tells me..."He (my son) wants to go to church with me tomorrow" .  Now...let's be real...we all know that you are supposed to attend the ward where you live..especially for kids...so they can bond with the kids their age...get to know the adults, etc....the funny part about that is that my X was the biggest stickler about that rule in our old ward and almost caused some problems with some members that were attending our ward and lived in the neighboring ward boundaries...but I guess all reason goes out the door when he isn't happy....After he said that, I just shut the door without responding...then I tried my best to enjoy my son!

Last time my X threatened to show up on my door with a sheriff so my son could go to church with him. I will have to wait and see what happens tomorrow...we have late church...I have a meeting before church about my calling...I am going to be mad if he comes and picks him up while I am at church....I suppose this would be a good place to 'take a deep breath and relax'.

The part that sucks is that I can't stop or control my X...

My study partner/friend was telling me about Elder Christofferson's talk...we had read it a few months ago...I just read it again..Give Us This Day Our Daily Bread (January 2011 CES Fireside)...I guess that is where I am...focus on my manna for the day...don't stress out about what 'might' happen...easier said than done.

My daughter that is getting ready to serve a mission told me she is concerned that things at home will be worse when she gets back...I told her they will probably be better...the kids will be more adjusted...and maybe her dad will get a job..that would be nice...I sure hope and pray that the kids will be doing better.

Well...wish me luck!  And if anyone out there is going through similar trials...please know you are not alone.  I know that as discouraged and frustrated as I get...I know I am going the right way...my kids will survive...I am in a better place...and even if I feel that I am going backward...I am no where near where I was even a few months ago...and that is a good thing...

Can't cross my wall...Can't forgive myself...yet...

So...after intense therapy and effort...I get my huge emotional wall down to about a foot or so...and here I sit...not wanting to cross over to the 'other side'. Sigh....

It is weird to realize what I 'visualize' as my wall.  Before it was this HUGE thing that seemed overwhelming and unconquerable. I was all alone. There was no one or nothing on my side that I could use to help me. My counselor talks about trying to make it smaller, and BAM it is smaller.  That concept is still weird...I think I felt more power than I had felt for awhile...power with my mind and control over what I was thinking...instead of feeling that my mind is controlling me and deciding what I remember and do.  That was a nice thought..

Now my wall is down and I still can't 'enter' to the other side. Now all I visualize is a broken down wall with some smashed/stepped on flowers and such on the other side...and nothing....I can see a stretch about 15-20 feet long with nothing and nobody around. I can see into the wall about 10 feet and then it just gets kind of misty. It reminds me of all the movies about England/Scotland with their rock walls and gardens that aren't maintained because of someone died in war or something. But I still can't get over...

So I keep thinking about my wall...and the only thing I can come up with is that I haven't truly forgiven myself. Reflecting on my counselor's FAVORITE BOOK Mind over Mood and talk of my 'core belief' (my core belief about my abuse is that if anyone knew all about it they would think I was crap) so that is obviously fear, guilt, shame, and numerous other mental frustrations all in my face when I think about it. I have probably done over 100 initiatories and heard those blessings over and over and over and had the workers tell me 'I feel so strongly that those blessings are for you' and 'Your Heavenly Father Loves you so' and 'There are so many people that love and care for you'. I keep trying to 'internalize' the concept but I guess it just hasn't got in there yet...

Now I think that the Lord has been trying to tell me for some time...so, of course, I worry that the Lord is going to get tired of telling me...and then where will I be?  I pray that He doesn't give up on me.

So...to change your 'core belief' you need to try and think differently, experiment with different scenarios or situations or at least come up with a 'positive thought' that will help your mind to accept the new idea.  The fact that it is taking me 2 days to come up with a positive thought should tell me something....I keep getting distracted...or my mind just 'stops' and I have a 'stupor of thought' (which is really annoying) or I just get plain frustrated because I can't think of anything...

Out of desperation I finally came up with..."I was sexually abused as a child and I know the Lord loves me." I have played around with the words a little...trying to figure out if there was a negative connotation...such as 'but' would imply He shouldn't...'still' implies I don't deserve it...so I am going with the simple...I guess I'll see how telling myself this several times a day works...

I keep thinking about that picture of Christ hugging the little girl with her arms wrapped so tight around his neck and how he is loving her....I think that the little girl inside of me has been there in his arms all along..it is "I" that is 'outside' and alone...it is "I" that has been scared...it is "I" that needs to go find Him...not me find the girl.  I hope all my 'positive thoughts' will help....

I am an official member of the 'I am Still Standing' Club!

Ok...
So I have been hanging out at the Temple A LOT on Fridays...many of the workers now greet me like an old friend.  It is a wonderful feeling....

One lady in particular has been wonderful and I feel very close to her. She made the comment last week..."There is so much love around you...I don't even know you and I love you!" I spent a little time talking to her after and she mentioned that she had been to counseling several times...then she mentioned how excited she was for me...that I was on the edge of some really wonderful things. Well...that was a wonderfully nice thing to say...but it helps me about as much as when my counselor tells me 'Go with the flow'...yeah...whatever the heck that means...I just know I am not good at it.

I found out later through a friend that this sister at the Temple has had a lot of trials and a very hard road. That got me to thinking about perhaps that is why I 'clicked' with her. I was talking to a counselor that had also dealt with abuse and I asked her if I was now in a 'club' of those that have been abused...and wondering if I would 'sense' others that have struggled like me.  She smiled and said yes...so I decided the name of the club should be 'I am Still Standing'.  I like it...and I like knowing that I am not the only one that is struggling with issues...and I know things will get better.

As I have been pondering this idea...I reflected back on those friends who would listen with 'pity' and 'awe' that I was even functioning...and compared that to the few friends I have that have truly overcome adversity (some were abused..not all). The difference in the look in their eyes, the depth of understanding, the ability they have to 'support' as they listen. This doesn't mean that if someone hasn't been abused they can't be my friend...I am just saying there is a different level of understanding. A level that goes down to the deepest part of my soul. Maybe that is part of what the man in Visions of Glory meant when he talked about 'taking people that had been abused down to their hell and bringing them out through the Atonement of Jesus Christ and healing them'. I think it is something that I have not truly experienced, but I need to if I want to 'truly heal'.

Flat Tire, Tender Mercies, My Wall and Now I am Better?

So...I had a crazy weekend...lots of things happened...X continues to be a jerk...at least he is consistent.

I have been thinking a lot about my wall...How high it is...what it looks like...etc...

So I am working through things...feeling pretty good Spiritually...thinking about how I 'can survive' counseling without too much stress and anxiety...and I am feeling pretty good.  I start to think that I am not feeling any anxiety and maybe some pretty good things can happen...the feeling grows...

I get through work...realize I am on time and I have a strong hope that things can get better for me and I can move on my path towards healing. I am driving down the freeway...grateful that I am a little before the 'traffic time' and then I hear a weird pop...and I think, "Did I just lose my hubcab?"  And I decide I better pull off...car starts vibrating...and YES! I have a flat tire...oh joy...

Interesting part was...there was no traffic...I had no problem moving over 3 lanes to exit the freeway...pull off...I was thinking of circling back to a gas station...then decide to pull into a parking lot so I don't ruin my rim...I call for service..start thinking about doing it myself...then I see an ice cream store.  What are the odds...so I go and buy a 'black raspberry chip' sugar cone and just as I finish the guy shows up to change my tire...a very 'nice' looking young man I will have to admit...and I still have time to get to my counseling appointment.

As I pulled out to drive to my appointment I was really proud of myself that I wasn't upset...part of me wondered if the 'adversary' was trying to stop me from getting to my appointment...but...didn't work...heck I was only about 40 minutes late :) I then realized how many 'tender mercies' had just happened.  Everything from the lack of traffic, closeness of an exit, a parking lot to wait, and the ICE CREAM STORE! The Lord was definitely looking out for me. I felt truly blessed :)

Counseling...I am talking about my wall...what it is like...how I feel...what is around that I can use to get over it. It was weird to think that I 'was' thinking the other side of the wall was bad and the little girl inside of me was 'scared and alone' because she was away from me...then realizing that 'she' was just fine...it was me that was all alone and had blocked out the 'love and joy' of my Heavenly Father because the feelings were too intense and I couldn't handle them.

I thought about 'why' I would be afraid of the wall and what was on the other side...I knew that rationally it didn't make sense...then I realized it was like the fear of a child...it didn't make sense...but it was real. So, I am talking to my counselor...she is asking me what it is like?  How tall is it? Are there any holes? Is anyone else around? Are there materials around?  And I came up with 'nothing'.

She asks me 'what does the wall need?'  It needs to get blown up...that's what it needs...we talk about my fears...she asks why I would be afraid? I say I am afraid it will be more 'emotion' than I can handle...I am not very good at handling my own emotion...it is kind of new for me...then we talk about taking the wall down a little at a time...so I can get used to it...

Then she says..."Can you make the wall smaller?"  Holy Crap...hadn't thought about that...the next thing I see in my head it has shrunk to about 1/3 the size and is now just over my head!  I can almost 'see' over the top...but I am still afraid...I realize that I am not alone and I can tell myself that I don't have to deal with the other side all at once.

So...to make a long story short...what is in my head now?  A small garden wall that I can easily step over if I choose...I am still thinking about how I want to do that and what it will mean and how it will feel...but the best part is that "I" get to make the choice.

There is a part of me that wonders if 'all my issues will diminish' once I step across the wall?  What did the wall represent?  Why is it there? Am I truly 'done' with the wall? I am sure I won't need it anymore?  Am I strong enough to 'deal' with what is on the other side?
 
Heck...I have no idea.  What I do know is that I don't feel scared. I am feeling more at peace than I have felt for a long time...my X is going to continue to be a jerk...and I will just let him do his thing.  I won't 'stir his pot' unless I have to for the kids' sake. How incredible this would be if I am healing and my life is in a position that I can 'deal' with all the garbage and still stay happy and focused and centered...that is my prayer!

She needs to rescue me?

Ok...had some time this morning (we have late church) and so I am trying to think what I can do to 'move along my healing process'. This is kind of an awkward thought because I have been told 'umpteen times' that I need to 'go with the flow'...which I am not very good at. I felt such a relief on Friday...and I have been wondering about that...but now it has kind of gone to a 'zombie no feeling' feeling...this makes me think I am avoiding again...I don't want to do that...which I guess is the whole point of me trying to heal...Anyway...

So...I start thinking back to my last counseling session and trying to see if I can get into that 'place' again.  I have been thinking about the 'wall' I have up and what color it is...what it feels like to run my hand over it...is it cold and hard...soft and penetrable? And I got thinking about how I felt that my wall was crushing me during counseling...so I got to thinking that maybe I just needed to 'walk through it'. So I try to think about my 'wall' and what color everything is...I think it is a 'dusty rose' color...I think it is a cross between the wall in the movie 'The Village' about the group of people that 'go back in time' and hide in a sanctuary and the blind girl gets sent to 'the town' to get medicine. Or perhaps it is an old English wall like in the movie 'Secret Garden'? It has some ivy here and there...not a lot...

I am thinking about how I felt my wall expand...and start thinking that if it can expand..then it is flexible and I can perhaps penetrate it and walk through it. I am trying to visualize myself reaching through the wall...like in the movies when someone can do something they didn't think was possible...I am trying to imagine reaching out to the 'little girl inside' of me and thinking about how I  will 'save' her. I am lying in bed...thinking how I can do this...how does it feel?  How does it look?  What color is it? I am not having much luck...I curl up and grab my knees...the other day I seemed to make a lot of progress when I was curled up in a ball and rocking...it almost seemed to feel like I was able to connect with her because I was 'rocking and comforting her'?  I don't know...sometimes I feel like I am 'psycho' but it seems to make me feel better so I am going with it. Well, after about an hour...I am not having much luck. I am saying a prayer...thanking the Lord for all he has given me, my children, my daughter that will be leaving on a mission, my son that has been staying over this weekend, we had some fun together last night, etc.

I am trying to visualize helping the little girl inside of me...then I start thinking about what is on the other side of the wall...and I start to think that 'she' is there...and thinking about how I feel that 'she' can feel the Spirit, she KNOWS the love of our Savior, etc. I sit up and think I need to move on and do something more productive (like maybe make breakfast for my kids?). And I look at a picture on the wall...the one of the upper body of Christ from the side and he is hugging a little girl...she is being held by him with her face on His shoulder and her arms around his neck and he is loving and holding her. As I look at this picture it occurs to me that she is on the other side of the wall with Him. She is not alone, I am. She is not scared, I am. She knows what is going on...It is me that doesn't. There is nothing scary on the other side of the wall..there is nothing but love and acceptance. I am not the rescuer...I am the person that needs to be rescued. She needs to come bring me through the wall...

As soon as I started thinking this...tears began to flow...I know it is what I need to do...now I just need to figure out how to do it.  I guess that is progress?

Seriously? I am invisible to myself? My wall is crushing me...

Ok...Counseling stirred a few things up...not too sure if I like it or not...

I wrote another letter to my 'child within' and even though I occasionally feel like I have a split personality I do think we are getting a little closer together and I think that is helping me to feel whole...and that is a good thing.

I talked about feeling invisible as a child. That since I am the youngest and I thought my brothers were all 'so cool' and I remember feeling like everyone elses' feelings were more important than mine. I was often told I worried too much...don't worry about it...it doesn't matter..things that I worried about I was told weren't important...so I think that I ended up convincing myself that my opinions and thoughts weren't as valid or correct as other peoples' opinions.  I guess I did end up feeling invisible...and I think that is what was so hard when my mom died...I was invisible again..no one was listening to me.  My thoughts weren't important. I didn't matter.  It just seems to make a lot of sense and feels right...so I am going to 'go with it'.

I was reading about 'healing from abuse' and it talked about how you can compare your skills as a parent to how you can tell your inner child you will be a good parent and protect her.  Well...that doesn't do much for me since I feel like a crappy parent most of the time...I feel like my divorce is truly messing up my kids. They all need counseling. They have a hard time getting along. They aren't doing well in school.  Other days I feel that my kids would have problems no matter what and I can see that they (so far) are working hard to be stronger and endure...so...maybe the 'jury is still out' on how much I am messing them up?  So I wrote about how I stood up for myself (and my inner child) and lost my relationship with my brothers so that should prove that I will protect my inner-self/child.

So my counselor has this 'awesome idea' (do you sense the sarcasm?) to start talking about how it would look if I believed in myself...(I wrote a poem about it...check out the page What Would It Look Like?) She is talking about how do I think it would change me, what would it feel like..where would I feel it in my body...all this kind of stuff...Well..for whatever reason...I am trying to go with it (and be the good client - I don't like to cause problems, right?) and she is asking me what color the feeling was, etc....well I am talking about the feeling of believing in myself but that was not the feeling I was feeling.  Then...to make it worse...I was trying not to look at her ( I tend to 'cue' off of other peoples' feeling because I don't trust my own) and I am feeling this HUGE weight in my chest...like someone was shooting me or punching me...and my whole body wants to collapse in on itself and curl up in a ball and rock myself...of course I would like to leave my counseling session with some amount of dignity so I just sit there and stare at the wall in her office and try to figure out what I am feeling. It is a HUGE feeling...it isn't bad...but doesn't feel super good either...it is just like this big thing! And I feel like it is crushing me...I am trying to remember to breathe...relax...and figure out what the heck it is...I am not having much luck...at one point the intensity starts to back off...and I am able to bring it back...which I was thinking was a small victory since it showed I had some amount of control. So after a while...of me not saying a whole lot...wasn't sure what to say...wasn't too sure what I was feeling...just this big THING...she tells me it is time to go...I turn to look at her and she has a look I have never seen on her before...and she looks as if she is crying...my first thought?  Crap!  She's over here having a Spiritual Experience and I am getting crushed by some THING!  Slightly irritating to say the least...so I get up and go. She says on my way out..."Nice work feeling today".  Is THAT what that was?  Maybe feeling is a little over rated...

I sat in my car for a while trying to figure out what the heck I was feeling and what does it mean and what the heck I am supposed to do with it...and I kept feeling the pain and pressure in my chest...it was weird...I don't want to 'dismiss it' or 'shove it in a corner' but I don't know what to do with it...

I got home...and my emotions are getting all stirred up...I can start to cry at 'I don't know what' and I kept wanting to curl into a ball. I kept thinking that if this is 'feeling' maybe I needed to figure out what the heck that THING was...so I started mentally feeling it and trying to understand it..didn't have much luck...work the next day was 'State Testing' (I'm a teacher) so I had some mental 'down time' to ponder it all...didn't seem to be getting anywhere...just more emotional.  I would think about what she was saying...about how I was feeling at the time and I would get this weird sensation...I just wanted to curl up into myself...and I thought...this must be the 'guided imagery' that she said she normally does with clients but she thought I wouldn't be able to do it (that would be due to my control issues)...that was a weird thought...then I started to feel that I had allowed her to 'mess with my mind' and that triggered all kinds of emotions...the strongest one was that I almost felt emotionally violated. I would think on one hand that I 'allowed it' and on the other hand...'I didn't know what she was doing'. This, of course, triggered all my trust issues...and added to more of my emotional roller coaster rides. So then I would have all these conversations in my head of things I wanted to say to my counselor...most weren't very nice...(this, of course, makes me wonder if she is going to read this...I gave her the link...but she has never said if she reads it or not...I would read this if I were her...unless she has a life and other clients besides me...which is a possibility - just saying). "I TOLD you I am sensitive...what the hell did you do in my head?" "Why didn't you warn me?" "Seriously?  You screw with my head then kick me out the door and I don't know what the heck I am feeling?" Yeah...good times...NOT!

So...then I am looking at going to 'co parenting counseling' which I am realizing I am not mentally stable for...so I call my counselor friend...tell her I need to understand why my head is such a mess...tell her about my new theory about 'feeling invisible' and that I know some things were 'stirred up' but I have no idea what they are or what to do with them...She comes up with the theory...I have been invisible to myself.  Well...that sure made me stop and think..She offered the idea that my feelings will feel extremely intense and upsetting because I have never felt them before..so it is new and scarey...well, that made sense...I am given the advice to 'put my feelings in time out' and just focus on counseling (and not going postal). So...I get through 'co parenting counseling' which is another whole story...

Next day...I get the kids off to school...and have some time...I start pondering and praying...and I decide if my body wants to curl into a ball and rock...then that is what I will do...

I start crying...and it occurs to me...the huge THING that I was feeling..that was pressing into my chest...that was trying to cave in my chest...was my wall.  That was kind of a weird thought...I could imagine it expanding (like in all the movies when stuff expands like a balloon before blowing up) and then I started feeling 'lighter' as if  great weight has been lifted off my shoulders and more importantly off my heart. So I have been thinking about that...what it means...and I think...my inner child needed comfort...and 'she' knows how to bring the wall down and the wall is to protect her...so...maybe I made some progress?

I do know that when I think about my counseling session I don't want to curl up into a ball anymore...the 'weird sensation' in my chest isn't coming back and I think that is good...and it has been a couple of days and I still feel the 'weight' is gone and I am glad...

Maybe I am making progress?  I am tempted to go back to my counselor and say..."Bring it on!" but I am not quite ready for that yet...

Still not sure how I feel about the 'guided imagery' stuff...maybe...just maybe...what I need to do is if I feel that wall smashing me again I need to just accept it...to 'walk through it' or something like that...

Sometimes all this stuff makes me feel crazy...then again (I am such an emotional mess) I think I might come out of this more sane than most...I can only hope and pray...