It's been awhile...my kids are surviving...

I haven't posted in awhile...
I guess that is a good thing?
I have been very busy with my kids...my daughter came home from her mission...she and her sister shared an apartment at school. It has been so wonderful to see them both interact, support each other, love each other..want to find a man and marry...(I must say I am very glad they WANT to marry..granted they are a little worried and don't want to rush into anything...but they WANT to marry).
My oldest son is doing well, has an awesome job (just graduated from high school) and is planning on going on a mission in about a year.
My 2 younger boys are surviving quite well also...

I think it has been my 'reprieve/break' for a bit.I know my work was getting pretty crazy last spring (I'm a teacher) and it has been good to have some down time.I am not sure how long it will last - but I am not going to complain.

So...what have I learned?
That time does make things better. I just had a quick conversation about porn with my 16 year old son. I was able to say that I don't want to be 'passively ignorant' about it but it is difficult to talk about for obvious reasons. He just smiled at me and said, "Yeah." Yes, the international teenage phrase for...I get it...it's alright. It made me feel good that I could say something and that he could look me in the eye and say that he knows and stays away from it. I am sure I need to continue to be vigilant..but I am making progress.

I remember asking my girls if I should have stayed with their dad...and they said, "NO, then we would have thought what you and dad had was normal and good." Good point....

My girls talk about how different they perceive marriage - the priorities they have when looking for the right man to share their life with...I really think they understand what an emotional connection is and the importance of having it in a healthy relationship.

My good friend (old roommate) and I have talked alot about losing parents. Her father just died and I have been overwhelmed with reminders of how much my parents loved me and how much I can still feel that love today. It is a huge blessing in my life. I have never felt alone, and I thank the Lord for that...He truly is there for me and for all of us. He loves us and has a plan.

I see my kids interact - argue - giggle and laugh - love each other - want to be there for each other - and I am grateful. I would like to think that the experiences over the last few years has brought them closer together. I know that with my one son moving out -- my daughters going away to school - they all know that they have to TRY if they want to get along and have a relationship. I like to think that they will be closer as adults because they already understand that good family relationships take time and energy. Maybe that is a good thing?

I can only hope and pray that it is....

Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

I want more privacy? Really? Now? I don't want to be alone any more...

I haven't written much for the last few months, I am not sure exactly why. I would like to think that in part it is because I have healed quite a bit. I feel stronger. I am more confident. That's a good thing, right?

I am still dating movie dude...I really care for him. I wish he was more 'in' at church but I know that I can't make him go to church. We will see where that goes.

I will say that I truly want to find someone and become companions and more. I want to share my life with him. I want to belong and bond to him. Part of this is Movie Dude's fault...I do kind of like him. He is helping me to realize even more what a 'real' relationship would be like and I want one.

One thing that was weird is that I still talk to my Online Guy every now and then. He has started dating someone so I haven't been texting him as much. He texted me the other day and asked if I was pulling away and moving on. We had a 'discussion' (if you can call texting a discussion) about where boundaries should be if one of us is in a committed relationship with someone. He was trying to say that we could still be friend and talk. He talked about the trust he and the girl he is dating have with each other. I was telling him that once one of us is engaged it is down to Christmas cards (like I really send those) and hi on occasion. He seemed to feel different.

I've been thinking about that and for me it isn't about trust...it is about wanting to bond to my man. It is about wanting to have such a special place for him that friendships with other men have no interest for me. I was feeling that my ability to truly commit to a man has deepened and I am glad. Sometimes I feel that if/when I marry and I am working on my relationship it will be a labor of love. I have looked around a lot these last few years and I can see in the faces of others the struggles that they have over come together and the depth it adds to their relationship. I want that.

I think sometimes that I am insane to think I could bring a man into my life...for one I have a horrible time cleaning my house...it is no pig sty...but I am just so exhausted all the time and I just don't have the energy...between having 2 jobs and my kids and trying to date...house cleaning has taken a bottom step..can you blame me?

Then I think about how working together through it all will be hard, fun, loving, happy, crabby, tiring, and deeper and richer than anything I have experienced in my life to this point. I want to do it.

I do feel some stirrings in my life...so who knows?

I have chatted a few times with a man that lost his wife suddenly, it has been a few years but he is still grieving...and understandably so. He says he wants to date and marry again...but he has kept his life full with his children and has no time. Then I wonder if I will always be thinking 'maybe if I waited'....I don't want to do that.

I was talking to a friend...he said that his friend married a woman that was not a member of the church and he married her because he loved her. Not because he wanted her to be something different, join the church after 6 months or anything...he married her because he loved her. He then asked me if I was ready to give up my dream of a temple marriage to marry him.  Good question...

But I keep telling myself that he wants to be strong in the church...and it is hard for a single man with no kids to remain active. At least he hasn't made any huge mistakes and lost his recommend...he just hasn't got one yet...

Sigh...

Well...on the up side...I am seeing some amazing progress with my kids...I guess time really does make a difference. My daughter is coming home from her mission soon. My other daughter is off to school and growing spiritually by leaps and bounds...it is truly incredible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is aware of my needs. I know it! I know that I will have all that I desire if I can just stay true...I just need to stay on the path!

There is a light...

Ok...so my ex has taken me to court 4 different times this year...all about money, child support (he lost his job again and wants me to pay him) and child visitation. I stuck up for myself at court and he was denied his request again...whew...

The next day, interestingly enough, my older son that has lived with him for 2 years called me up and wanted me to come get him. He and his dad had been arguing and he wanted to leave. I was surprised that he came out to the car with a laundry basket of clothes and a blanket full of stuff...

I fought the urge to 'join him' and complain about my ex. I told him that I loved him and his dad loved him and maybe he just needed some time to breathe. We talked about what he needed. He is a great kid. He worked 2 jobs all summer and now is working while finishing up his high school career. I worry that he is working too hard...concerned he will end up in a position like his dad. I think if he could he would emancipate himself...sigh...I offered to help him and told him my help was independent of where he lived, I offered it because I loved him and I was proud of how hard he was trying.

He hung out at my house for a couple of days...then made a deal (my son benefited) with his dad and moved back. What was interesting is how it changed the dynamics of my relationship with my 2 younger boys. Right now my 2 older kids are off on missions and college. That night my kids were supposed to be with their dad...but they decided that they wanted to come to my house. I just let them do what they wanted to do. I reminded them that I loved them and I always have and I always will. I told them that I would help them with what I could regardless of if they are over 18 or not. The 3 of them just seemed to relax. It was nice.

It has been a few weeks since then and I must say the change continues. I don't want to say my ex is evil or wish evil on him. But I do feel it is a shame that he is missing out and my kids are 'getting' it. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

We watched the Saratov Approach on Sunday...my 2 younger boys. It was so incredible. My boys were mesmerized. It was so different, the attitudes of my boys. I was a little emotional at the end. There was no 'belittling or mocking' at my tears or emotions (this is how it has been in the past...mainly because that is how my ex was. He could not handle emotions...so he insulted those that showed them). It was just a wonderful moment shared. We talked about how difficult it was for them (the missionaries in the movie) but how their faith changed what happened to them, and more importantly it changed how the missionaries felt about themselves and their Savior.  Awesome movie...I totally recommend it.

As I ponder why?  I think that I am receiving some blessings for continuing my faith and trying to do what I can. I think I am letting go of control issues. I have no control over my kids. But I can love them. I remember thinking so long ago...if I could just make sure my kids know that I love them...then all will be well. Or, at least I will be able to sleep at night...lol! I think my kids know what is right. They still all go to church. In fact, watching the movie was the alternative to going to the fireside. They didn't want to go to the fireside, so I told them they could stay home if we watched a 'church movie'. I think it was a good decision for all of us. I felt closer to my boys and it was nice.

I have 3 teenage boys...so I know that I am not out of the woods. I also know that I can deal with whatever comes along.

I was talking to my study buddy and we both were acknowledging that we are in such a different place than we were a few years ago. Our lives will never be the same. I am grateful to that change.

I am still dating movie dude. I am not sure if it will go anywhere...but I do know it is good for me to be with a man that cares about me and treats me with respect. For now we enjoy each others company and out time together. I am getting better at just 'taking it as it comes' and not trying to control it or make it into something it is not. Maybe I am finally learning how to 'enjoy life'?  I can only hope so.

Like they say...
It is good when it is over...if it is not good...it is not over.
My life is not over. Every time I am at the Temple I feel how much love those across the veil have for me. I feel how much my Savior loves me. I feel how much I want to try and do the right thing. How much I know that there is a plan for me and I do feel that plan includes a man to share my life. I am finally learning to enjoy the journey.

Triggers and Tears...Now why am I crying?

When I was still married...my ex used to make fun of me when I cried. I was teaching Gospel Doctrine for a couple of years (this was when I think I was really starting to go down hill emotionally - I asked my counselor friend once why I would be asked to teach Gospel Doctrine when I felt so messed up - she said, "Maybe the Lord is trying to help you read your scriptures more?") I think she was right.  Anyway, at the end of almost every lesson, I would bear my testimony and I would feel the Spirit so strongly that it would bring tears to my eyes. I remember one day after church. I was sitting on the couch and my ex came home (he stayed after church for meetings) and he said to the kids, "Well, mom was crying in church again today." And the kids would like at me like, wow mom...what's wrong with you? So sad....my counselor friend told me that I was becoming more in tune to my spiritual side so it was stronger than I was accustom to and my ex was shutting his emotions out, hence he was extremely uncomfortable when I was emotional. His solution to that was to insult me when I was emotional.

So now...my kids hate it when I cry. I don't cry nearly as much as I did...but I still do cry and I am glad. My daughter on her mission has told me a couple of times that she is trying to be more comfortable with tears. Amazing the damage a parent can do, you know? I sometimes worry that my kids are afraid to feel their emotions, for fear that they will become emotional and cry and be made fun of.  Not good!

Anyway...I had to go to court the other day. My ex was trying to get child support out of me since another child has graduated from high school...yeah...because she doesn't cost any money now...whatever...

We were sitting with a lawyer/mediator before going in front of the judge and I was overwhelmed with sadness. It took all I could manage to not cry. I couldn't even look at my ex. I began to realize the sadness was coming from him. He was like this big black hole that was sucking all the goodness out of everything around him, so much anger and blame. I was realizing I didn't really care what the outcome was going to be, I just didn't want to argue and I didn't want to give him any 'fuel' to use against the kids. For example, he says my son never stays the night...true...but he comes by my house several times a week and 'raids my fridge' and I pay for his phone. So yeah...I'm supporting him...at least partially. But if I say that to my ex, he will tell my son not to come to my house...so I just kept my mouth shut. I guess it worked..because the judge denied his request. I kept wondering what was causing the tears...my counselor friend told me that I must be healing more. That maybe I could feel more of how the Savior feels towards my ex, sad that he is not making good decisions. Maybe. I know I didn't feel angry with him. It was weird to feel the tears come. I was trying to slyly (can you wipe tears away slyly?) wipe my eyes, I didn't want to look like some weak emotional wreck...but I didn't want to 'shut off' my feelings. I held it together. I would be interested now to see myself in a mirror while we went before the judge. Looking back now I think I was sitting as far away from him as possible while still sitting in the chair next to my ex. I am sure my body language was screaming..."I want nothing to do with this man!" I think I felt afraid that he would 'suck me into his negative hole'. I didn't even want to be in the same room as him. Sad...

The other day I was at my best friend's house and we were talking about dating and 'movie dude'. We were talking about control issues..I was realizing that I was still trying to 'control' things when I was with him. I would start to feel anxiety about if he was going to touch me, how he was going to touch me, etc. and so to get rid of the anxiety I would just start touching him. Well, he mentioned to me that he likes to initiate once in awhile. So that got me thinking about why I wasn't able to 'sit back' and let him come to me. I told my friend that I was feeling that any time he touched me I had to 'touch back' and to be touching him in a way that was hopefully pleasing/arousing. My friend then said, "Sounds like you need to keep your hands off him. Let him come to you." As I pondered why that seemed difficult, I began to cry. She asked me what triggered the tears...as I thought about it...I felt that I didn't deserve to have someone that would just want to touch me to show that he cared. To touch me because he just wanted to, not because I necessarily had to touch him back. He just wanted to 'give' to me. Then that made me feel like crap because I couldn't even let someone touch me and 'accept his touch' without thinking I needed to do something back, that I 'owed him' something back. I don't know if that even makes sense to anyone else. I guess it goes back to my self esteem and feeling that I am not worth loving. Sigh...I would really like to move beyond some of this...you know?

So, that brings me to today. He likes to work out at the gym and like I have said, I have been going to the gym myself. He asked if I wanted to come to the gym and we could workout at the same time. Sounds simple enough, right?  You would think so, anyway. I joke with him that, 'I'm not sure our relationship is at that level'. You know, seeing each other ugly and sweaty. He joked and said it would be fine. So...I decide to just go 'as me'. T shirt and shorts...no showered or curled hair. After all, he has been to my house when it was messy and didn't seem to care...so why try and be something that I am not, right? So...then I am driving to meet him at the gym and I start to cry. Granted, I don't necessarily enjoy crying...but I have learned that it is an indication of something and I will benefit if I can figure out what. I was trying to think about why I was crying (it was just a few tears rolling down my cheeks) and the only thing I could come up with was that I was allowing him to make judgements about my physical body and what I was doing. That he would be in a position that he could criticize me, or that I would not be good enough, that I would be doing whatever and he might tell me I am doing it wrong. It was weird...then I start having these conversations in my head (no worries, I am not crazy or possessed) with him. Afraid that he would laugh at me. Then I am trying to defend myself and tell him that it is hard for me because the track record of men in my life 'standing by me' is not very good. That made me think about my ex, about my brothers, about how I always wished growing up that I had a better relationship with my dad, etc. Yeah, I had a few more tears after that...

Finally I get to the gym. He texts me and tells me where he is. This gym is about 3 times as big as the one I usually go to. I am feeling overwhelmed and intimidated. I am afraid to go look for him. How stupid is that? So, I see him on a treadmill and I go into another room. I don't want to go up and bother him. I make some attempts to feel comfortable and start using some of the equipment. Eventually I am on a bike and he comes to find me. He was very sweet, gave me a quick kiss, smiled and chatted a minute and then he went back to his treadmill. He came back later to tell me he was about done and we set a time to meet downstairs. I play around on some machines and then I go meet him. I don't want to change clothes (didn't bring any anyway) I don't like changing in public locker rooms (garments and all) and I see that he has changed his clothes. Oh well, we shall see what happens....

He stands up and gives me a kiss, puts his arm around me (I'm still kinda sweaty) and he doesn't care. Ok, gotta say..that kind of surprised me. We pick a place to have lunch. I make a crack about my hair being 'real' and he tells me it looks just great. After lunch he walks me to my car and we kiss goodbye. Apparently, he doesn't care that I am sweaty and it is nice. :) Another thing, kissing is more fun when it is his idea...maybe I can learn to keep my hands to myself...at least until he starts things...Maybe he really does like me for me...all of me...good and bad.  Wouldn't that be nice?

Later I texted him and said I was glad he didn't care that I was sweaty...he told me sweaty can be good and he thought I was cute. It made me think about what my friend said (she met him last week) she said, "He's a keeper." As I am typing this part...I am almost tearing up. Thinking about how different my emotions are with movie dude compared to anything that I can remember feeling in my marriage. I think I am opening up my heart. Does this mean that I will marry movie dude? I have no idea. Does this mean I am not afraid of being hurt? Nope...I could be very hurt. But I feel that I need to be brave enough to try. If what I am feeling now is so much better than anything that I can remember in my marriage...I am not sure I can even imagine what it would be like to be married and make covenants with a man that truly loves me and the Lord. But I want to find out.

Intimacy, emotional connections, and feelings, "Oh My!"

Ok,
In a perfect world none of us would have the scars that we bear and we would all know love and acceptance from those that are close to us. BUT, we did not agree to come to a perfect world. We agreed to come to a world full of trials and suffering. We knew it would make us stronger...I just forget that sometimes....

So, I am still going out with 'Movie Dude' and truly enjoy his company. We are being intimate but just kissing and hugging and such. What is weird is that I still have issues. I guess it is too much to ask to 'heal' from 50 years of 'messed up abuse and disassociation' in a year or two..but hey!  You can't blame me for trying.

This last week I was feeling so frustrated with the fact that when we are together it seems to be all I can think about is intimacy. Is he going to kiss me? Does he want to kiss me? Does he want to put his arm around me? What is he going to do next? It was to the point that I was starting to stress what we were going to do on our next date. I wanted to know where we were going. Would we be somewhere with privacy or would we be somewhere public (so I would have to rein in my hormones)? I was starting to realize that I still had the old...I need to know what we are doing and what is coming or I would start to 'tune out'. I started trying to think back to previous dates and how I felt when he was kissing me. I couldn't remember. I knew that we had kissed, but I couldn't remember how it felt. I was realizing how much I start the kissing and such, so I am in control and know what we are doing. THAT was really starting to bug me. I mean think about it, how the heck am I supposed to get past doing that when I am so afraid of being rejected (the story of my married life) that I can't sit back and wait for him to come to me? Tell him, "Hey, I just want to sit her and you need to 'come to me' and kiss me and hug me and such and I'm not going to respond much because then I 'tune out' and I won't remember it much. But don't take it as me not wanting to be intimate." Yeah...that's a conversation I don't really want to have.

So, I was getting upset a little during the week...thinking about what we were going to do. Trying to not look like a basket case. Wondering if I was succeeding. And he was busy with his life and knew that we were going to get together and wasn't too worried about the details till the last minute. Don't get me wrong, in a perfect relationship I shouldn't have to know what we are going to do everytime. It should be fun to 'have him plan a date and be surprised'. It just wasn't what I needed this last week. I was feeling broken. Emotionally and intimately I felt that I was just screwed up and was never going to be able to have a healthy relationship with anyone.

I kept praying that I would figure something out...I just want so badly to be able to get past my past...

So, he was listening to me and gave me a couple choices about where to meet for dinner (I hate too many choices - I have to make too many choices in my life - it is not relaxing to do it on a date) before we went out. I had just bought a new shirt that my daughter said looked very good on me. I did not have to work so I took some time that afternoon to 'feel pretty' before I left and away I went. When we got together he was the gentleman he always is and he made several comments about my appearance. (Amazing how far a kind and sincere compliment can go to make someone feel good) We had a nice dinner, he was looking out for me and making sure my meal was what I had ordered, etc. Afterwards, he was holding my hand, putting his hand on my back, etc. and it just felt different. I was feeling that he really wanted to be close to me and be with me. It just felt nice. I was feeling desired. I was trying to 'relax' and 'be in the moment' and it felt nice.

Well, we were a few minutes early to the movie and we talked about a few things. He has a really hard time talking about 'relationship stuff' sometimes and we joke about how he has no problem 'avoiding' or dropping a topic if it gets awkward. Anyway, I had brought something up at dinner and he suggested we discuss it later when people weren't around. He reminded me of it while we were waiting in the theater. I was impressed. I felt it showed that he truly does want to get closer, it is just hard and scary. Anyway, we talked about it and everything was fine and the movie started. OK, the movie was slow in a few parts and we were kissing now and then. It was a movie I had not seen, but he had. So, it was natural that I was paying more attention to the movie than him. Which resulting in him showing more interest in me. Well...that was exactly what I was hoping I could figure out how to do...and the situation presented itself so that it happened. Nice how life works out sometimes, huh?

Anyway, I realized towards the end of the movie that I was 'feeling more'. It was the coolest feeling. I felt that I had dropped another level deeper in our relationship. I was feeling more trust and more emotional connection. I commented a few times how much I was enjoying his company and he mumbled, "The further you go the better it gets."

I've been thinking about that and better than that...I can remember how it felt to be with him. Probably better than any other time I have been with him. For me? THAT is very exciting. I started thinking about what made it so different. I think the difference is that he was 'giving'. I don't know if that makes any sense or not. I thought about my ex and the intimate relationship I had with him. I don't think he had the ability to 'give'. I think about if a person has become accustom to receiving 'sexual gratification' without any emotional input, the ability to realize the need for giving and caring would vanish. I also realized how much my ex is missing out. I truly feel that my ex does not want to be the way he is. I don't even think he realizes he is the way he is. That is a very sad concept.

So what does this mean for me? It means I have broken through another barrier. I know that I can feel more and I think it will just continue to get better. I think 'movie dude' truly cares about me and wants to be with me. Does this mean we are engaged? No. Does this mean we are committed? No. For me, it means that we are connecting. It means that I am able to truly connect to someone or at least begin to connect.

When I divorced, and my mother died, and then my brothers and I had a 'falling out' I truly felt alone. I had never felt that way before. It was definitely an opportunity for growth. It was hard. I realize now that I closed up a lot of my heart.

I have had some pets with my kids over the last 2 years. It is funny how I don't want to get close to the pets. I used to be such an 'animal lover'. I could always get animals to come to me, to want to be with me. Yet now, I find myself not wanting to be close. I think it is a fear of getting hurt again. The fear of opening my heart and being vulnerable. I would joke to myself when movie dude would talk about how he 'moves at a glacial pace' and think...I am so ready to move into a relationship, what's the matter with you? Why do you have to go so slow? Well, I think going our 'glacial pace' is probably the best thing for me. I have the time to 'wiggle around and find my place' to take time to understand my feelings, to learn more about who I am and who I want to be. Yesterday, something came up and I asked movie dude if he could help me. I kind of thought he would say no. But I was pleasantly surprised that he agreed to help me and moved his commitments around so he could come to my house to be there for me. When he came he just seemed happy that he was able to help me out. He was concerned at first that he would not be able to do it. I told him it didn't matter if things weren't perfect, I just wanted to give him the opportunity to try. He replied with, "If you are happy, I am happy." And that was how he was when he showed up. Happy that he could help me. No hidden agenda. No attitude that I 'owe him' for helping me out at the last minute. Just happy that he could be there for me. Wow..I could sure get used to that!

So...what have I learned this week?

I learned that I can change. I learned that I can have a relationship that is different from what I have had in the past. That yes, I was broken, but I can heal. I am learning that I still have the capacity to connect emotionally and love others. I am learning that I can trust someone. That I have the ability to love a man as deeply as I have always dreamed. It is not some 'frivolous fantasy' the way my ex would always tell me when I would talk about 'something is missing in our relationship'. It is something real and alive and worth working towards.  I know that it is possible to have a man love me in a way that I have never experienced. I know that I will be able to feel more and more and be able to enjoy more and more the love and acceptance of a man. In other words, I like movie dude and know that our relationship is not over. I don't know where it will end up, but I am not afraid to find out.  I look forward to having a relationship and being with a man, whether it be movie dude or another 'dude' that will make my dreams come true. And I will be able to remember how it feels. I guess that is called hope?