There is a light...

Ok...so my ex has taken me to court 4 different times this year...all about money, child support (he lost his job again and wants me to pay him) and child visitation. I stuck up for myself at court and he was denied his request again...whew...

The next day, interestingly enough, my older son that has lived with him for 2 years called me up and wanted me to come get him. He and his dad had been arguing and he wanted to leave. I was surprised that he came out to the car with a laundry basket of clothes and a blanket full of stuff...

I fought the urge to 'join him' and complain about my ex. I told him that I loved him and his dad loved him and maybe he just needed some time to breathe. We talked about what he needed. He is a great kid. He worked 2 jobs all summer and now is working while finishing up his high school career. I worry that he is working too hard...concerned he will end up in a position like his dad. I think if he could he would emancipate himself...sigh...I offered to help him and told him my help was independent of where he lived, I offered it because I loved him and I was proud of how hard he was trying.

He hung out at my house for a couple of days...then made a deal (my son benefited) with his dad and moved back. What was interesting is how it changed the dynamics of my relationship with my 2 younger boys. Right now my 2 older kids are off on missions and college. That night my kids were supposed to be with their dad...but they decided that they wanted to come to my house. I just let them do what they wanted to do. I reminded them that I loved them and I always have and I always will. I told them that I would help them with what I could regardless of if they are over 18 or not. The 3 of them just seemed to relax. It was nice.

It has been a few weeks since then and I must say the change continues. I don't want to say my ex is evil or wish evil on him. But I do feel it is a shame that he is missing out and my kids are 'getting' it. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

We watched the Saratov Approach on Sunday...my 2 younger boys. It was so incredible. My boys were mesmerized. It was so different, the attitudes of my boys. I was a little emotional at the end. There was no 'belittling or mocking' at my tears or emotions (this is how it has been in the past...mainly because that is how my ex was. He could not handle emotions...so he insulted those that showed them). It was just a wonderful moment shared. We talked about how difficult it was for them (the missionaries in the movie) but how their faith changed what happened to them, and more importantly it changed how the missionaries felt about themselves and their Savior.  Awesome movie...I totally recommend it.

As I ponder why?  I think that I am receiving some blessings for continuing my faith and trying to do what I can. I think I am letting go of control issues. I have no control over my kids. But I can love them. I remember thinking so long ago...if I could just make sure my kids know that I love them...then all will be well. Or, at least I will be able to sleep at night...lol! I think my kids know what is right. They still all go to church. In fact, watching the movie was the alternative to going to the fireside. They didn't want to go to the fireside, so I told them they could stay home if we watched a 'church movie'. I think it was a good decision for all of us. I felt closer to my boys and it was nice.

I have 3 teenage boys...so I know that I am not out of the woods. I also know that I can deal with whatever comes along.

I was talking to my study buddy and we both were acknowledging that we are in such a different place than we were a few years ago. Our lives will never be the same. I am grateful to that change.

I am still dating movie dude. I am not sure if it will go anywhere...but I do know it is good for me to be with a man that cares about me and treats me with respect. For now we enjoy each others company and out time together. I am getting better at just 'taking it as it comes' and not trying to control it or make it into something it is not. Maybe I am finally learning how to 'enjoy life'?  I can only hope so.

Like they say...
It is good when it is over...if it is not good...it is not over.
My life is not over. Every time I am at the Temple I feel how much love those across the veil have for me. I feel how much my Savior loves me. I feel how much I want to try and do the right thing. How much I know that there is a plan for me and I do feel that plan includes a man to share my life. I am finally learning to enjoy the journey.