Ok...I guess there are some good guys still out there...

So...
A friend of mine...said something to a group of friends about me 'being available'...and one of my other friends emailed me. (Did you follow that?) So I end up receiving this email telling me about her experience finding her second husband. She talked about praying to know which site to be on, spending time every day 'looking' for her man. She told me that there are men out there ready to find a woman that love God and wants a man that will be faithful and true. She encouraged me to keep trying and to not give up.

Sigh...

So...I checked out a different website and met a few new people. I started talking with someone that actually lives close to me (wow...that's kinda refreshing) and we found out we have MANY things in common. It has actually become a joke at this point...our sons had similar eagle scout projects. Our sons (different sons) are both studying the same occupation - exact same. We had a few friends in common...he has many similarities to my brother that I love dearly. I could go on and on...but suffice it to say...we have things in our lives that are similar.

As we started getting to know each other...it was all so different. First off, he had married when he was younger than 25...no serious commitment issues. So, the thought of getting serious with someone and committing to that person had no fear for him...that was different. It is like there was no hesitancy...just someone looking for someone else and wanting to love and be happy...how refreshing.

We emailed quite a bit and then finally we met. It went really well...we talked for over 3 1/2 hours. Then the ice cream place closed and we had to go. I thought it a little weird that he told me he had a great time getting to know me and would call me soon and then he just left. No hand shake, no hug, nothing. I just kinda shrugged and figured I would wait and see what would happen.

We were both texting before we got home..

A few days later I was going to take some of my kids on an outing with a friend and her family. At the last minute she couldn't go - they didn't have enough adults for a youth conference and she told me it was fine to go. I didn't feel comfortable going with just her husband (even though we would have 6+ kids from ages 5-21 with us) so I asked my new man if he wanted to go...he asked to bring his son and I thought..sure..why not? We agreed that it would be easy to just go as friends since we were barely beginning to date...to be sensitive to our kids..no touching or anything...just hanging out...as friends.

Well...my kids all said..."Wow mom, he's cool!" "He's just like a regular guy...so normal."

Yeah...I guess that says something about their dad.

My man was laughing as I told him...not quite understanding the significance of my kids thinking he was normal.  How sad is that?

Anyway...after that I did some 'mutual friend checking' and a couple people mentioned that they weren't sure if his divorce was final. Because if he is not legally divorced...we can't date. So I asked him.  Guess what?  It was not final...sigh...everything is signed and sitting at the courthouse waiting for time to pass...she left him over a year ago...so it seems pointless...but...rules are rules...whatever...

So...we realized we were grateful we hadn't really touched or anything and sat back pondering how it would be to date...realizing that we can't date right now... but we could still talk a little bit. His ex wife had left him over a year ago...so it wasn't like he had just walked out on her and the ink was drying on the divorce agreement...

I joked with him that since he has a job, active in church with a recommend, is intelligent and decently tall...he could probably marry any single LDS woman in the state...lol!

Bottom line?
Apparently not every man that is single and middle aged is messed up..or at least can still function and is not afraid to make a commitment to someone. I guess only time will tell if he is the one for me.
Believe me...I'll let you know!

Dating update! Still have issues....online dating scams and helps.

Ok...I'm still trying to date...sigh...I hate dating!

But...if I ever want to love a man...I need to date.

I have to laugh at my college age daughters that make comments like..."If I want to meet people, I need to be sociable and go to activities."  Then they usually sigh and laugh...

Then here is a 'kicker'...my daughter says..."How come you have all these high standards and expectations for us (my two girls) but you don't have the same standards for yourself?" Ouch!

I think part of that has to do with what I want in a relationship is different than what they want. I am just looking for someone to love me and sit on the porch with me and grow old and giggle. They are looking for someone with a bright future (career), worthy priesthood holder, kind, caring, emotional connection, healthy, funny, etc. Is that bad?

Sometimes it makes me feel that I am 'still broken'...other times it makes me feel that I am settling...then it makes me feel that I am looking around and the men that are my age and single..let's face it...they are single because they have issues or have suffered a loss (of spouse). My girls talk about 'I don't want to marry a project'...and I think to my self...any older single man IS a project. I look at couples and see the power of a good relationship and the support of a caring spouse.  So yeah, any single many my age is going to have issues. But hey...I certainly have issues.

I do think there is a different level of acceptance of issues at my age...I am comfortable alone...therefore, if he needs 'space' or something, I am totally fine with that because I don't want to spend 24/7 with him anyway. I have children and friends and a job and a life. When young people get married it is ALL about spending that time together to 'create a life together'. It is very different.

I was talking to some creepy guys online...of course I thought they were fine until I realized they were not who they portrayed and were trying to get me to send their 'daughter' money in Nigeria.  Seriously? If you are trying to scam someone...why the heck would you think a single mom with 5 kid would have any money? Evidently, they were not 'good' scammers...lol.

It did make me think about how quickly I wanted to believe everything he said. He knew what women want to hear..."I have learned a pretty package is not always pretty inside - I find intellect attractive - I feel connected to you and want to share all my accumulated wealth with you and take care of you." Yeah...it was very appealing. When he asked me for money and I realized that he was a scam...he replies..."I never loved you either." Really, Wow...that was a surprise!  NOT! 

My stomach did turn as I realized he was not a real person...but I got over it.

It helped me to be more aware of 'signs' that a person is not who they claim to be...Like...they only had 1 or 2 pictures. Their English was not perfect (I believed when they said they were from Europe so I just figured it was 'English from Britain'. I asked if he was am American Citizen - he said partially because his father was from Germany and mother from England.  Seriously, I should have picked up on that one...how is someone a 'partial citizen'?

I even talked to them on the phone for a minute...it was a horrible connection...

Both crazy guys I was talking too..had lost their wives about 5-6 years before. One even knew basic stuff about the church...another said his grandmother used to take him to church and he said he was reading the Book of Mormon and was in 2 Nephi. Both had 1 daughter that lived in another country. Little/if any extended family...

Yeah..they knew what they were doing.

So...are there still any good guys out there?  Yes, I would like to think so...
But it is important to be careful as well...

So...if I find anyone special...I will definitely let you know!

It's been awhile...my kids are surviving...

I haven't posted in awhile...
I guess that is a good thing?
I have been very busy with my kids...my daughter came home from her mission...she and her sister shared an apartment at school. It has been so wonderful to see them both interact, support each other, love each other..want to find a man and marry...(I must say I am very glad they WANT to marry..granted they are a little worried and don't want to rush into anything...but they WANT to marry).
My oldest son is doing well, has an awesome job (just graduated from high school) and is planning on going on a mission in about a year.
My 2 younger boys are surviving quite well also...

I think it has been my 'reprieve/break' for a bit.I know my work was getting pretty crazy last spring (I'm a teacher) and it has been good to have some down time.I am not sure how long it will last - but I am not going to complain.

So...what have I learned?
That time does make things better. I just had a quick conversation about porn with my 16 year old son. I was able to say that I don't want to be 'passively ignorant' about it but it is difficult to talk about for obvious reasons. He just smiled at me and said, "Yeah." Yes, the international teenage phrase for...I get it...it's alright. It made me feel good that I could say something and that he could look me in the eye and say that he knows and stays away from it. I am sure I need to continue to be vigilant..but I am making progress.

I remember asking my girls if I should have stayed with their dad...and they said, "NO, then we would have thought what you and dad had was normal and good." Good point....

My girls talk about how different they perceive marriage - the priorities they have when looking for the right man to share their life with...I really think they understand what an emotional connection is and the importance of having it in a healthy relationship.

My good friend (old roommate) and I have talked alot about losing parents. Her father just died and I have been overwhelmed with reminders of how much my parents loved me and how much I can still feel that love today. It is a huge blessing in my life. I have never felt alone, and I thank the Lord for that...He truly is there for me and for all of us. He loves us and has a plan.

I see my kids interact - argue - giggle and laugh - love each other - want to be there for each other - and I am grateful. I would like to think that the experiences over the last few years has brought them closer together. I know that with my one son moving out -- my daughters going away to school - they all know that they have to TRY if they want to get along and have a relationship. I like to think that they will be closer as adults because they already understand that good family relationships take time and energy. Maybe that is a good thing?

I can only hope and pray that it is....

Ok...So I am not as 'healed' as I hoped...is that bad?

Man..I have been stuck in a weird 'funk' for a couple of weeks now.

At first I figured it had something to do with my parents' birthdays (both were last month and they have both passed away).

Work has been crazy busy...but that isn't always a bad thing.

Dating is going alright I guess...when I tried to talk to him about my intimacy issues...he got a little nervous and insecure...let's face it...single guys my age are going to have issues..kind of like me I guess. Since then he has had several health issues and the combination has caused him to back off quite a bit. We are still hanging out and seeing each other...but he is spending most of the time sitting in the chair resting...I guess that will avoid my intimacy issues..lol.

Maybe God wants me to have some time to better understand myself.

Then I realized how tired and drained I am...how all I want to do is sleep. The last few weeks I have been watching a criminal show...of course focusing on murder and abuse. Several nights when my boys are gone I have been watching episodes until late at night...makes me wonder if I am interpreting the dating slowing down as rejection...probably...sometimes it feels like everything is rejection...sigh...

I took a day off work to get some things done...but I stayed up till after 1am to watch my stupid show and then I slept half the morning...my boys came by for breakfast before seminary - so I got up and made that...then my youngest wanted a ride to school...went back to bed for an hour and then got up to do that...so, of course I couldn't go back to sleep right away...at least I suppressed the urge to watch another episode of my crazy show.

Last night I had some crazy dreams...to the point that I was waking up and listening to see if there was anyone in my house. My boys had gone to their dad's house. I was starting to feel panicked and scared...then I started wondering if I was going to remember more of how my abuse started. That, of course, didn't help me sleep any better. Sigh...

So...what does all this mean?

It means healing takes longer than I want it to.

The Lord has a plan for me and cares for me and is aware of me...I need to have faith in that.

I probably shouldn't watch that stupid show...well...I may have to wait a bit before I deleted all the recorded episodes....lol...I'll let you know if that backfires..

Another thing?  I've been so busy working I have not spent much time with others...I really need to get out and interact with other people...adults...friends...go have some fun...have some fun with my kids even...boy..that's a thought!

I was at the Temple last week. I still feel my mother close to me. I know that I am loved. I know that there are those beyond the veil that are trying to help and support me.

I look at my kids and think about how incredible they are...they are becoming so strong...I love them so much.  Even when my boys are punks :)

I think about loving and being loved by someone...I think that there is still a part of me that wonders if I deserve it. Thinking that I truly blew it when I married.

My daughters were off at school and started dating...they both had a boyfriend for awhile...and they both broke it off...I was glad they were both trying so hard to do the right thing...trying to listen and feel the Spirit...listening to what the Lord wants them to do. I am confident they will not 'settle'. For that I will be grateful.

So...what is the moral of this story today?

The Lord isn't done with me...and I need to keep walking in faith...and when I am feeling depressed...I need to get out and do something with someone...or for someone...

Let's see how it goes...

Maybe I should go to the gym?

When will I stop feeling broken....

Ok...so I am dating this guy...for quite a while...
As happens, we are kissing more and such...one day I am totally into kissing and he mentions one day that he would like to initiate once in awhile...we discussed control issues and that I was 'triggering his'. The interesting part of that is that as I tried to back off...I could feel more when he was kissing me. I then realized that I was struggling trying to remember what it felt like to be with him...but as I relaxed and let him initiate I could feel more and it felt deeper.

That was several months ago...my problem now?  As we have progressed a little with intimacy there are times that my body disconnects and I can't feel anything. Needless to say it is very frustrating. As I pondered the fact that I might actually marry movie dude...I realized that I have no pleasant memories regarding sexual relations. My divorce ended so ugly emotionally and after that I had some repressed memories come back complete with pain and fear...so yeah...thinking about a wedding night is a little stressful...sigh...

Interesting that my study buddy and I are reading the Old Testament and the same week I was reading in the institute manual “This ability to turn everything into something good appears to be a godly characteristic. Our Heavenly Father always seems able to do this. Everything, no matter how dire, becomes a victory to the Lord. (Old Testament Institute Manual)."

So yeah...the Lord is still aware of me and loves me.

I ended up going back to my counselor...I hadn't seen her for several months...
As she sat there mentioning that she could sense my anxiety rising as I discussed the possibility of marriage all the old feelings of 'dealing with my problems on my own' came flooding back. It was interesting how loathing it felt....so tired of feeling broken...

On the upside...my daughter is home from her mission and doing fabulous! My 2 oldest are away at school and I could not be more proud of them. My boys are doing better...it is like they now know it is ok to love me and their dad. I can feel them relax when they are at my house. I feel like they are more comfortable loving me. Sitting closer to me at church...wanting me to put my arm around them...it is nice :) I'll take those tender mercies and keep moving forward.

I know the Lord has a plan for me...I do truly feel that I will one day have a man that will love me more than I can imagine. I will bond to him and be his, yet we will be companions and best friends. Do I recognize that it will be hard?  Of course...life is full of drama...life is drama...but I am hoping that my worst day with him will be worlds better than my best day alone...because he will love me and we will both want to make it work.

Sigh...

I will say that my 2 daughters have become pillars of strength and like my daughter has said.."Mom, I know that all my problems have made me stronger and prepared me to deal with my current challenges. I am grateful for my challenges and problems."  Out of the mouth of babes, you know?

I want more privacy? Really? Now? I don't want to be alone any more...

I haven't written much for the last few months, I am not sure exactly why. I would like to think that in part it is because I have healed quite a bit. I feel stronger. I am more confident. That's a good thing, right?

I am still dating movie dude...I really care for him. I wish he was more 'in' at church but I know that I can't make him go to church. We will see where that goes.

I will say that I truly want to find someone and become companions and more. I want to share my life with him. I want to belong and bond to him. Part of this is Movie Dude's fault...I do kind of like him. He is helping me to realize even more what a 'real' relationship would be like and I want one.

One thing that was weird is that I still talk to my Online Guy every now and then. He has started dating someone so I haven't been texting him as much. He texted me the other day and asked if I was pulling away and moving on. We had a 'discussion' (if you can call texting a discussion) about where boundaries should be if one of us is in a committed relationship with someone. He was trying to say that we could still be friend and talk. He talked about the trust he and the girl he is dating have with each other. I was telling him that once one of us is engaged it is down to Christmas cards (like I really send those) and hi on occasion. He seemed to feel different.

I've been thinking about that and for me it isn't about trust...it is about wanting to bond to my man. It is about wanting to have such a special place for him that friendships with other men have no interest for me. I was feeling that my ability to truly commit to a man has deepened and I am glad. Sometimes I feel that if/when I marry and I am working on my relationship it will be a labor of love. I have looked around a lot these last few years and I can see in the faces of others the struggles that they have over come together and the depth it adds to their relationship. I want that.

I think sometimes that I am insane to think I could bring a man into my life...for one I have a horrible time cleaning my house...it is no pig sty...but I am just so exhausted all the time and I just don't have the energy...between having 2 jobs and my kids and trying to date...house cleaning has taken a bottom step..can you blame me?

Then I think about how working together through it all will be hard, fun, loving, happy, crabby, tiring, and deeper and richer than anything I have experienced in my life to this point. I want to do it.

I do feel some stirrings in my life...so who knows?

I have chatted a few times with a man that lost his wife suddenly, it has been a few years but he is still grieving...and understandably so. He says he wants to date and marry again...but he has kept his life full with his children and has no time. Then I wonder if I will always be thinking 'maybe if I waited'....I don't want to do that.

I was talking to a friend...he said that his friend married a woman that was not a member of the church and he married her because he loved her. Not because he wanted her to be something different, join the church after 6 months or anything...he married her because he loved her. He then asked me if I was ready to give up my dream of a temple marriage to marry him.  Good question...

But I keep telling myself that he wants to be strong in the church...and it is hard for a single man with no kids to remain active. At least he hasn't made any huge mistakes and lost his recommend...he just hasn't got one yet...

Sigh...

Well...on the up side...I am seeing some amazing progress with my kids...I guess time really does make a difference. My daughter is coming home from her mission soon. My other daughter is off to school and growing spiritually by leaps and bounds...it is truly incredible. I know without a shadow of a doubt that the Lord is aware of my needs. I know it! I know that I will have all that I desire if I can just stay true...I just need to stay on the path!

There is a light...

Ok...so my ex has taken me to court 4 different times this year...all about money, child support (he lost his job again and wants me to pay him) and child visitation. I stuck up for myself at court and he was denied his request again...whew...

The next day, interestingly enough, my older son that has lived with him for 2 years called me up and wanted me to come get him. He and his dad had been arguing and he wanted to leave. I was surprised that he came out to the car with a laundry basket of clothes and a blanket full of stuff...

I fought the urge to 'join him' and complain about my ex. I told him that I loved him and his dad loved him and maybe he just needed some time to breathe. We talked about what he needed. He is a great kid. He worked 2 jobs all summer and now is working while finishing up his high school career. I worry that he is working too hard...concerned he will end up in a position like his dad. I think if he could he would emancipate himself...sigh...I offered to help him and told him my help was independent of where he lived, I offered it because I loved him and I was proud of how hard he was trying.

He hung out at my house for a couple of days...then made a deal (my son benefited) with his dad and moved back. What was interesting is how it changed the dynamics of my relationship with my 2 younger boys. Right now my 2 older kids are off on missions and college. That night my kids were supposed to be with their dad...but they decided that they wanted to come to my house. I just let them do what they wanted to do. I reminded them that I loved them and I always have and I always will. I told them that I would help them with what I could regardless of if they are over 18 or not. The 3 of them just seemed to relax. It was nice.

It has been a few weeks since then and I must say the change continues. I don't want to say my ex is evil or wish evil on him. But I do feel it is a shame that he is missing out and my kids are 'getting' it. I don't know if that makes any sense or not.

We watched the Saratov Approach on Sunday...my 2 younger boys. It was so incredible. My boys were mesmerized. It was so different, the attitudes of my boys. I was a little emotional at the end. There was no 'belittling or mocking' at my tears or emotions (this is how it has been in the past...mainly because that is how my ex was. He could not handle emotions...so he insulted those that showed them). It was just a wonderful moment shared. We talked about how difficult it was for them (the missionaries in the movie) but how their faith changed what happened to them, and more importantly it changed how the missionaries felt about themselves and their Savior.  Awesome movie...I totally recommend it.

As I ponder why?  I think that I am receiving some blessings for continuing my faith and trying to do what I can. I think I am letting go of control issues. I have no control over my kids. But I can love them. I remember thinking so long ago...if I could just make sure my kids know that I love them...then all will be well. Or, at least I will be able to sleep at night...lol! I think my kids know what is right. They still all go to church. In fact, watching the movie was the alternative to going to the fireside. They didn't want to go to the fireside, so I told them they could stay home if we watched a 'church movie'. I think it was a good decision for all of us. I felt closer to my boys and it was nice.

I have 3 teenage boys...so I know that I am not out of the woods. I also know that I can deal with whatever comes along.

I was talking to my study buddy and we both were acknowledging that we are in such a different place than we were a few years ago. Our lives will never be the same. I am grateful to that change.

I am still dating movie dude. I am not sure if it will go anywhere...but I do know it is good for me to be with a man that cares about me and treats me with respect. For now we enjoy each others company and out time together. I am getting better at just 'taking it as it comes' and not trying to control it or make it into something it is not. Maybe I am finally learning how to 'enjoy life'?  I can only hope so.

Like they say...
It is good when it is over...if it is not good...it is not over.
My life is not over. Every time I am at the Temple I feel how much love those across the veil have for me. I feel how much my Savior loves me. I feel how much I want to try and do the right thing. How much I know that there is a plan for me and I do feel that plan includes a man to share my life. I am finally learning to enjoy the journey.