Still better than I imagined and I am feeling more

So...we have known each other for over a year now and been married for over half a year. Things are going awesome!

We have had some struggles with our kids - but the best part is none of them have ever even started a comment about 'why did we marry?' I know they can see how happy we are with each other and how different our lives are. I like that part of it.

The down side is that we don't have the privacy of learning more about each other in a home where we are alone. Several of our children live with us and some have returned from college. Some days I feel they are watching us like hawks to see how we are dealing. I think my kids are worse because I was single longer. They don't remember as well when their dad lived with me. We were laughing with his daughter about how we never had an argument. ...yeah....we had our first argument that night.  It was weird in that I didn't cower like I did in the past. I didn't shut down and refuse to talk. We were both upset and took a break - then I went back downstairs and we talked and it was ok. I am so used to pouting and being passive aggressive but I really tried to be a little more mature. He can just let things 'roll off his back' better and was just giving me space. After a few days we had it figured out. Now we both know that we don't want to argue - and we will try to make sure and give the other person the 'benefit of the doubt' and listen a little better. Aren't arguments always about silly things and misunderstandings? We are closer now because we know our relationship is more important than a silly argument.

Intimacy has been interesting. I still am not as relaxed as I wish...but I am getting there. I am pleasantly pleased to learn that I am feeling more than when we first married. It is almost weird..as I was trying to become more in tune with my body I started having all these weird aches and pains. In the past I was known for having all kinds of bruises and such and never knowing where they came from. After I ended up at the Dr for a few different aches and pains I realized that I appeared like a hypochondriac and then my husband mentioned that I was feeling more and he was touching me lightly and I could feel it. I had to laugh to myself as I realized that I wasn't a hypochondriac but I was starting to tune into my body more and it was a little intense sometimes. Very interesting feelings. I think one of the most exciting things about that is that it reminds me that I can change and that my past will not define me. I still don't have a lot of feeling inside but everything else is becoming more sensitive, so I am not giving up.

My girls are loving the fact that he loves, respects and cares about them. It just warms my heart when I see them talk to him and laugh and he says that he loves them and they say, "I know" It's a good thing. They see he isn't perfect and has things about him that bug them but they see how much he loves me and how happy I am. My son that has always felt 'outside' with his dad adores him.

My daughter was dating a guy that had some stuff to deal with and he was hesitant to go to counseling. She told him, "My mom was really screwed up and she went to a LOT of counseling and now she is able to love deeper than I ever thought possible. Go get some counseling!" I am still trying to decide if that was a compliment...lol!

I had a friend that has just gone through a terrible mess with her marriage and she started her problems when I was getting married. She didn't want to spoil my happiness so she just kind of distanced herself. Her divorce is final now and she told me....I needed to see you so happy!  Then she said, I had no idea how lonely divorce was....I am so sorry. I smiled at her and said, "Don't you remember how often I would tell you how much I appreciated your friendship and time and how you would come up to me and hug me??  Now you know how much it meant." We never know what we are able to give to others.  I pray that this blog helps other women to know that there is always hope in love and Our Father in Heaven always has a plan for us. Don't ever give up!

As I sit her on the couch...thinking about my life...realizing how far I have come...I know it was painful...but it is like I almost don't want to go back and read about my past. I have been able to put it in a box...I understand it better...I can see the strength I received from my Heavenly Father and I know that my Savior never left my side. He lives and I know it with every fiber of my being!  Don't ever give up on His love!

I survived my honeymoon :)

First off...Temple cancellation of sealings are online now just like when missionaries are doing their papers. Our response (after we had the responses from our ex spouses) took only 2 weeks. So don't hesitate to try and get married in the Temple a second time if it is what you really want to do. The Lord is aware.

I can't believe how our ring ceremony went. His family is almost all non members so we had a ring ceremony. I can't believe how relaxed I was. How happy I was just to be with him and share how happy I was feeling.

I knew it would be weird for our kids...especially mine. (I was single much longer than he was) We made a point of having 'cool outfits' for our kids so they felt awesome and beautiful. I think it worked. They were all strutting around feeling special.

I know that we have problems ahead. But I just can't get over how much I love just being with him. Talking to him. Dreaming with him. Holding him. Being in his arms. It just feels so right and I feel so safe.

We were sealed on one day and then we had our ring ceremony after that. I am very glad that we chose to do it that way. We went to the Temple in the afternoon and then we went to a restaurant for dinner then we were on our way. It wasn't super late. We weren't so tired. It worked out better for us.

The next day we were able to get to our ring ceremony and I didn't have to worry about the wedding night and I was able to enjoy the reception.

The wedding night...

I had some anxiety (as some of you might be able to imagine) and he was so gentle and so aware of me that I soon relaxed in his arms and was able to enjoy myself. We joked at how quickly we became comfortable with each other.

When I think about my first marriage - I remember so much nervousness and stress. When I think about my marriage now I just think how incredible it is to have a partner. (granted I am a little older and wiser...but still).

I am losing my desires to 'fend for myself'' and relaxing as I realize that my husband will always be with me. It is a wonderful, glorious and peaceful feeling. I don't even know how to explain it.

On our honeymoon we were having fun shopping in thrift stores and on our way out someone said..."You are the cutest couple I have ever seen. You are giving me faith that love can exist." We both just smiled. After we got in the car we both talked about how no one had ever said that before.

It's a whole new world.

So...am I struggling with intimacy?

Yes...but not as bad as I thought I would. I think mostly it is my brain and my brain things everything feels so good that it can't process it. So I kinda 'stop' before climaxing. I will say that the first few days I had more excitement than I had during most of my marriage. It is kinda weird because I know I can do it...but then I went through these period when my brain just wouldn't let me feel all the joy.

The interesting part of it was how he dealt with it. He would just love me and tell me how much he loved me and wanted me to be happy and whatever I wanted is what would make him happy. I had never been with a man that could get so much joy from me being happy. I will say that I cried several times as he held me in his arms. It just felt so good - it was almost hard for me to process how good it was. It was hard to feel that I deserved it. That the joy I was feeling I deserved to feel. So, we are working on it. Like everything else we are doing - we are doing it together.

So...my advice?
Don't give up on love.
Don't give up on God.
Don't give up on yourself.

God always has a plan for you and the plan will make you happier than your brain will allow you to process. But little by little...that happiness that is in store for you will sneak in and one day fill your soul.

He isn't perfect and neither and I - but we are perfect for each other. We want to be everything for each other and little by little that is what we are becoming.

Hmmm...do I remember how to be happy?

Well...I am engaged.  Yes...what I never thought would happen..has happened...and it is better than I ever thought it would be.

Don't get me wrong...there will be issues! But the difference that I can see is that we want to solve them together. We have a couple of months before we marry and we are laughing that even grocery shopping together is fun. Christmas shopping was a blast! He is interested in what the kids want, trying to find something that will make them happy - not just 'be a gift for the amount we said we would spend'.  It is a whole new world...and I think I like it.

We are going to try and cancel my sealing - things have gone so much better since we made that decision. I am still doing well with intimacy. I will confess I am a little nervous about our wedding night...but even that anxiety is getting better. Let's just say you should never underestimate the power of an emotional connection.

He wanted to join a group that dances once a week and I finally decided to go. It was a good decision. It has allowed me to become more accustom to his touch in a 'stress free' environment. Well..if you call dancing stress free...lol! It has helped me to want to anticipate his moves and work together. To want to be close to him and just enjoy doing something together.  If anyone else out there is in a similar situation to me...feel free to think about joining a dance class. Besides, it is fun :) I will say it is the first time that I have been part of a group that is not school or church. It is a very diverse group and kind. It is fun!  Seriously, think about it...

So...how I am I feeling?

For the first time I truly want to 'be pretty' for someone.  I want him to look at me and smile and be just like I dreamed...that he can look at me from the across the room and I can see how much he loves me. We were at a dance last night and one of our friends was teasing us that we are all 'giddy and puppy dog in love'. It felt wonderful.

Granted, our kids get grossed out. We just love being next to each other..doing anything together. One of my daughters has talked about that when she marries, she wants to be very affectionate with her spouse...but apparently that doesn't mean she wants to see us kiss...lol! But, the other night I could see a few of my kids enjoying the two of us. We were joking about politics and other silly things. It seemed so 'normal' and the kids were happy. I was thinking about why and I think part is that there was an adult man and woman that all cared about them...it was nice to see them happy.

Which gets to me...planning a wedding/reception was not something I wanted to do a second time. This time it is different...I just feel that I want to have a good time and have fun. I want my friends to be happy with me. I feel that for so long I have been avoiding activities because I didn't want to go alone...not participating in things because I was single...etc...

When I thought about getting married...I thought...we should just elope!  But a friend of mine said, "You need to let us celebrate love! Let your kids see you in love and your friends supporting you!" So...that is kinda what we are doing. Just thinking more about how we want to have a good time with friends...not so much 'everything has to be perfect'. Just...we want to throw a party. I don't know if that makes any sense...but...that is our plan.

Sidebar - my friends are much more responsible and helpful at this age...lol!

So...I am not too worried about my wedding night..because I know that he loves me and would never do anything to hurt me or pressure me...and I love him.

I am seeing a whole new path ahead of me. I will confess, I was kinda to the point that I figured the blessings of an eternal companion would have to wait until the next life. But the Lord had a different plan...He loves me and he loves 'my man' :).

I can hardly wait to get started on our life together...sharing our dreams as well as our burdens...it will be...and it is...a wonderful life and I have every right to be happy!