Feelings, connections, relationships - moving or just hanging out...

I am still dating movie dude and I enjoy his company quite a bit. It is really fascinating how my feelings are evolving. I love just talking to him and hanging out. It is ok if we talk and if we don't. (This is progress for me since I am often one of those people that become uncomfortable if there is silence - unless I know the person really well). We have gone to movies, basketball games, and last night we went to a play. I feel that he will 'look out' for me and take care of me and treat me with respect and try to do anything that will make me happy.

So what is wrong with this picture you ask? I'm not really sure. I do know that I am not going to figure out if I want to commit to a relationship 'over night'. So I am not sure if I need to know right now.

I was reading the blog of a friend and she had some interesting insight...Why are you proposing to me? She talked about relationships and the need to feel a decision should be made within a few dates on whether a man should be part of your life for 24/7. She made a great visual of the concept 'exploration' then decide between two options..no thanks or keep going...'more exploration'...no thanks or keep going...

I like the idea that just deciding to explore the relationship doesn't mean that you should get engaged, it means you need to 'explore some more'. So as I am thinking about this...I don't know if there is a future with 'movie dude'. I do know it is so very good for me to be around a man that is so respectful and kind. I like the way he opens doors and helps me on with my coat, he is always very attentive to me and what I am doing and willing to help with anything I might need. A girl could get used to that, you know?

Now I need to think about how I feel about him. Am I still hung up on intimacy? Unfortunately I think the answer is yes. We have kissed some and I am trying to stay 'present' and 'feel' when he is close. I think about if I need to worry about 'going too far' and I really don't think I do. I have no interest in having more serious physical relations right now. I feel like when we are kissing it is just a nice place to be. I tend to 'lead' and I am trying to stop doing that. I realize it is control issues and I need to be comfortable letting him come to me and not being afraid of him or anything that he might do.

He is a true boy scout so I don't think I have to worry to much about him doing anything inappropriate and I am so grateful for that. I do feel that I can trust him. But I also should not be stupid. I realize that 'playing with intimacy' is a stupid thing to do. So what am I doing? I don't know...I just know that I enjoy his company and I feel good knowing he cares about me. I was talking to my daughter about the power of men over women. I told her I feel that I am more attractive because I know a man cares about me and that 'thought' is irritating. She agreed and understood exactly what I meant. We discussed that was the reason that the Lord has said how evil it is for men to use unrighteous dominion over women and children. D&C 121:19-22 

I remember being in the marriage counselor's office...I was an emotional mess and I was shaking and quivering and my ex was getting mad at the counselor (I had told the counselor I was done - I wanted a divorce and I needed him to help me tell me ex) my ex was telling him that he was supposed to be helping us stay together not break us apart. The counselor looked at me and then my ex and said, "No woman that has been properly cared for would ever be in the emotional state your wife is in." That ended the conversation....


I feel confident that the Lord has a marriage to a good man in my future...I just need to walk the path until I find it. I think that I will be hurt. I think that I will have to 'put myself out there'. I will have to 'take a chance' and I will have to open up my heart. But I do feel that if I am willing to do all those things...I will be in a position to truly love someone...and even better...he will love me.

And maybe that is why it can be such a wonderful and beautiful thing when a man does love and respect women and especially his wife.

Dating, Love, Marriage...where am I now?

Ok...I've been dating movie dude for about 4 months. I enjoy his company, he spoils me (as far as taking me out to nice restaurants, opening doors, helping me on with my coat, etc.) and I enjoy talking to him, I enjoy his company. I do think it would be very hard for him to marry someone with children because he has been single for so long. He has made a very nice life for himself and is busy and happy for the most part. So....we are dating and enjoying the companionship of each other...I guess that is good, right?

So where am I in all of this?  For one, I am better understanding how big a change it would be to me and my kids if I remarried. If I brought a man into my house to be with me and my kids, it would take a lot for everyone to work together and get along....sigh...this is certainly not where I was last summer when I was dreaming of getting together with my online guy...I am hoping it is because I am better understanding what it all means and not chickening out.

I am becoming more comfortable with who I am and I am grateful for that. I think I am still messed up as far as feeling and desires to be intimate and being comfortable being intimate. I think I slide too quickly into 'me controlling the intimacy' and not being able to just 'relax' and let someone 'come to me' if that makes sense. I don't know what I can do about that but just continue to be aware and try to relax more. I think I focus on what I am doing and tune out if I am being touched or kissed. I have wondered if I need to talk to a counselor about it, but I don't think that will help. I am really coming to the conclusion that I just need to find that someone that loves me and I can trust completely and together we will figure it out. I really hope that is the case because I am tired of thinking I am screwed up and need to see a counselor again. Don't get me wrong, there is nothing wrong with counseling...believe me..I have certainly had my share...I just want to feel that I am learning to better deal with all my stuff and that I can handle things.

I will say that movie dude is hesitant to share personal information and I am realizing what an impact that has on how quickly the relationship progresses. That has been interesting for me to understand. He will ask me questions sometimes...like.."Have you dated other men from online?" and then he will say, "You don't have to answer that." and I realize that I don't have to answer that. And it is nice that I am able to do that. I am wondering if that is part of me overcoming the 'victim' mentality that thinks I have to do everything people tell me. So it is empowering to me to know that I don't have to, and sometimes I don't. I am not lying and I am not being dishonest. I am just learning that I don't have to do something just because someone asks or tells me to.  I am thinking that is nice...

So..where am I now?  I guess I am exactly where I want to be...and I think that is a good thing!