So...I was pretty sick last Spring and I ended up wearing a pad for a couple of weeks because every time I coughed I would leak...sigh...growing old is not for wimps.
I finally went to the urologist and they said I could try physical therapy or consider surgery to support my bladder in a way that would help me not 'pee' everytime I cough or laugh. I heard through a friend that it might be worth my while to try physical therapy...so I figured I would give it a shot.
Well...the first time it was kinda weird..but then what did I expect? The therapist is a nice 30 something woman that has a wonderful bedside manner. We talked about strengthening the muscles in my 'pelvic floor' and she even had a model to show me. Then she gave me some exercises to help me find the muscles and strengthen them. It was kinda weird at first because I just feel so disconnected from my female organs...It seems I just can't feel everything that I should. I warned her that I was sexually abuse when I was young and I might cry and to not worry about it - I just need to process and deal with it. She just smiled and was encouraging.
So...as I worked on it for the first week - I could tell a difference. It does make it easier to keep trying since I feel like it is making a difference. The therapist said that I could benefit in a lot of ways from continuing the exercises so I will continue. She said it would help to stabilize my hips and abdomen and more
The second visit was a little more interesting...she had a ball that she wanted me to push against. She said it would help me to isolate the muscles that are used to control your bladder and pelvic floor. The crazy thing is it is basically one of the positions that I have used during intercourse to help me feel and enjoy intercourse. How is that for weird? I remember my husband asking me why I was doing it and I told him that it just felt like I was supposed to be doing something and it felt like it was helping. Apparently it was...lol.
I asked the therapist if she had a lot of patients that had been abused. She said over half that she was aware of, they often didn't say anything right away but it would come out after a couple of sessions. Other clients just had lots of kids..yeah...motherhood - the side they never tell you about until it is too late.
My husband was surprised that I am able to talk so intimately about sex with my therapist. I told him that I have to get in a 'medical' frame of mind when I go in and just make it all very clinical. I told him I do it because I want to get better.
When I do the exercises it is crazy how simple it seems at the office, yet when I get home I have to seriously focus to do it correctly. I wonder sometimes how much is physical and how much is mental. The therapist keeps telling me that it is a simple matter of coordination and with repetition it will feel natural and normal. I hope so - although I am beginning to think that no one is normal..lol.
So...why am I writing about this? Because I hope that someone else that has had a past that has left them damage can find hope and know that you can change your life. If you would have asked me 8 years ago that if I keep trying to move forward that I would be with a man that loves me and loves to be with me intimately. That sex would be something that continues to just get better and better. That I can feel myself allowing my body to relax and enjoy sex more and more. That I would be with a man that wants to dream with me and take care of me. That I would be able to be strong enough to let go of some of the hatred and anger I had towards my X...not all..yet...but definite progress.
Don't ever underestimate the power of your mind. Recognize that sometimes horrible things happen to people. Sometimes people do ugly things to other people that will leave scars that may seem insurmountable...but the power of the human mind and spirit is not to be underestimated.
You are of worth. You matter. You can get your life back.
Your mind has a power that will amaze you if you find your trust in God and let Him help you to forgive. Allow yourself to rid your soul of blame and forgive those that have hurt you. That doesn't mean that you have to forget or let them continue hurting you...just don't let that hurt and anger eat you up inside. It is not worth it - to lose your life because of the mistakes of others.
I know that God lives.
I know that I am standing here a better woman than I was before I began my journey of healing. I don't wish my past on anyone...but I am who I am because I am overcoming the trials of this life.
Don't ever give up on you.
You matter more than you know.
Trust me on that.