So...where am I now and where do I want to go? Boundaries? Relationships?

Ok...I am dating the new guy still...and he was right when he told me he 'moves at a glacial pace'.  Sigh...it is probably the best thing that I could be doing right now..but when have I ever liked it when I am doing 'the right thing'? I have yet to learn patience...maybe I should start and my life would slow down a bit...

I am still struggling trying to figure out boundaries, relationships, etc. I was talking to my counselor about my struggle to deal with my ex...on one hand I think about how I should be kind and charitable to him...but every time I do he 'mows me down' then I have to stop and pick myself up and try to figure out how to defend and protect myself. I can't figure out the boundary that would prevent me from being mentally abused by him...yet allow me to not feel guilty when I am trying to get my life in order and thinking I need to be 'kind' to those around me.

This bleeds over to my understanding of relationships. I was talking to my online guy about relationships and he was saying that intimacy is more than kissing, etc. But for me I don't get it. I have had lots of friends...guys and girls...some very close...people I could talk to...tell anything too...feel connected emotionally...but no touching or kissing (for the guys) but very good friends. So as I was talking to my online guy he was trying to get me to understand his definition of a relationship...I remember standing outside talking to him...he is trying to get me to figure out if I have been with a good man in a relationship and he is talking about how it isn't just touching and kissing I stood there staring at the bushes with absolutely no idea or understanding of what he was talking about. I kept thinking...there are friendships that you talk to people and you care about each other...do things for each other...and those are friends. Then there are guys that you like and you talk to and share things and you touch, hold hands, kiss, etc...that to me is a relationship. He starts talking about how it isn't about sex and it is about how you treat each other...I just felt like such a loser because I truly didn't understand/feel what he was talking about. I felt that it was something completely foreign from anything I have felt. Arghhhhh!!!! It is so stinking frustrating...I feel like I am trying to play a game that I don't understand the rules to...but I keep feeling that I need to 'stay in the game' and not stop trying.

This, of course, reminds me of counseling and for awhile I would try and figure out what she (my counselor) was expecting of me...I was trying to play, 'Guess what teacher is thinking' and I was not having much luck. So, as I am sitting here...I am thinking of how I 'survived' that game in counseling...in counseling I had to 'quit playing' and let go of my control issues...maybe that is what I need to do here?

Maybe I am trying to control the relationship with the new guy because I can't 'let go' and let him 'lead'? Sigh..control issues...those suck about as bad as boundaries...I feel like I know what my problem is but I don't know what to do about it...

So..why don't I feel the same control issues with my online guy?  Well, for one, he isn't here for me to see...so there is a fantasy element...there are parts of him I really don't know because we have only spent a few hours together. Maybe that makes it easier for me to trust him? Because I trust him I don't have as many control issues?  Man...I wish I knew...

Well..I am going out with my new guy again tomorrow...I wonder if I can relax and just let him lead? I guess I need to at least try. I wonder if I can relax on our date if that will allow me to feel more? It makes sense I guess...that if I am so busy trying to be aware of what he is going to do and feel some control so I don't need to be afraid of him or what he is going to do....it would make sense that I wouldn't have any brain cells left to 'enjoy what I am feeling'. Sigh...

So...where do I want to go?  I want to find someone to share my life with. I want to have a man love and cherish me. I want to love him like he has never been loved before. I want to be able to look him in the eye...have him look back at me and we will both know to the depths of our souls that we are connected and committed to each other forever. That we have chosen to complete our journey together, and no matter what comes our way...we will face it together and be stronger because of it. And we will have a love and intimacy that will just keep getting better throughout all eternity.....and one day I will have it.

Well...Christmas is coming...and I am going to have my kids with me this year...and that is wonderful! The last time I had my kids for Christmas I was married and my mother was alive. That seems like an eternity ago...

Well...that's life...you never know where it will take you.  And yes, I am still going to the Temple often. I think it is what is keeping me sane. I still feel the love of my Lord overwhelm me every time I go in there. I know it is a place where He walks the halls. He truly knows me and my sorrows. He knows my worries and my children and knows what they need. I just need to stay close to Him...and everything will work out...sigh...

Emotional Connections and Arousal...I guess they both matter?

I have been pondering the whole 'Am I aroused?' 'What is arousal?' 'Should I be aroused and I am not?' etc....

I even talked to my online guy about it.(note to self...don't share this blog with a potential boyfriend again) because he knows about this blog and of course after I talked to him he read all the things I have written. Sigh...it's not that it matters...I am going to keep writing what I feel...there is some healing that happens when I write what I am feeling. The process of putting my emotions and feelings into words that I can 'see' on a page helps me process. I don't know why it works, I just know that it does. And if by some chance, it helps someone else out there in the world..so much better!

Sexual arousal...man I wish I understood it better. I had a rather interesting conversation (messaging) with my online guy about it. I talked about arousal and kissing and not being aroused and knowing that I probably should be aroused and how come I wasn't. He asked me if I was aroused when I was kissing him. Good question...I think I was...but I am not sure...I was so full of anxiety and stress I was lucky I could feel anything. I remember just being amazed that I wasn't freaking out and I was relaxed around him. That started me thinking about if the arousal was different and if so, why? I really don't think I was able to feel much when I was with my online guy because my brain was so full of 'he won't hurt me...it's alright...just kiss him...breathe...it's ok if he touches you...you might enjoy it...he isn't pressuring you, etc.'. I think about the kind of energy I was picking up from him and I don't think I was getting much of anything. Part way through he made the comment, "if we weren't members of the church we'd be half naked in the back seat". I think about that sometimes and wonder how come I didn't feel any anxiety with him. I didn't sense that he wanted more or even wanted me. I felt that he was just trying to 'help' me and he knew I wanted to 'make out' and see if I could do it before I gave myself an ulcer over the anxiety. I wonder if he was suppressing feelings because he thought I would freak out if I picked up on it. Which I might have...I don't know.

Then I think about my 'make out' guy. I remember feeling some control with him that was different. I could tell that he 'wanted' to be with me and wanted whatever I was willing to give. I know that I didn't have near the emotional connection with him compared to my online guy...maybe that is part of it. Maybe I was using him to satisfy my physical desires? I know that I was feeling good knowing I was making him happy, but that is probably part of my 'pleaser' personality. (Some day I would really like to get over some of that) As I talked to my online guy about my 'make out guy' Yeah...it was a little weird...but I am glad I did. We discussed whether it was 'control issues' or not. I think that is part of it. I feel in complete control with make out guy...at least most of the time...there were a few times when I wasn't sure what he was doing and I remember freaking out for just a minute...it was bad enough that he looked at me and asked if I was ok. He asked if I was worried about what he was going to do...it was just a shift of position kind of thing...but I didn't know what he was doing...so I think part of my problem is control issues. I think I am not afraid or nervous if I am in control...and make out guy was always so happy that I was giving him attention that he was content for me to do whatever I wanted. I had made a couple of comments about my past...so he knew I had issues...plus I think that he was not treated well by his previous spouses...and was a 'hen pecked' husband. and that made him trigger different emotional cues from me. He was just so thrilled I was treating him so well he was not going to complain.

So....I told make out guy I would never be able to commit to any type of relationship with him. Sigh...kissing was great..but obviously not enough. My friend keeps telling me I need to quit thinking 'hot sex' and think...Who do I want to grow old with? Sometimes I remember that...but after suppressing my emotions for so long...I just do NOT want to push my feelings and emotions in some corner somewhere and ignore them.

I still have my new guy that I am dating. I think we are going out this week. I am enjoying the 'intellectual' connection. I am having fun getting to know him. He is very 'old school'. I offered to make dinner for him in a couple of weeks when my kids are all gone. (I don't often have my house to myself...so I thought I would try and take advantage of it) He said it was a wonderful offer, but perhaps a little premature...then he reminded me that he moved at a 'glacier' pace. Maybe that is what I need to not 'rush into intimacy'. It is not necessarily what I want...but often what I need is not what I want, you know? I think about how I have enjoyed talking to him about whatever...he told me he was not a big 'texter' but I have seen a dramatic increase in the amount of messaging I am receiving...so I guess you are never too old to learn :)

So...where am I now? Wishing I could have a romantic, physical relationship with a man that has an emotional and intellectual connection to go with it. Which means it needs to be someone that lives close and wants to be with me. I have been thinking a lot about some of the things my 'online guy' said. He told me that if I can find someone to touch my mind and soul...everything else will fall in line. I hope that is true...I want to have someone that is 'equal' to me intellectually, emotionally, and spiritually, (with physical sprinkled through out). That doesn't mean they have to be 'the same'. It just means that we can relate in all those areas. That he can understand my emotions and support me when needed and I can do the same for him. One of my friends was telling me that all women want the same thing...we want to be wanted. I, for one, now know that being wanted is a wonderful thing.

What is intimacy? What is making love? What is affection? And how the hell are you supposed to tell the difference?

Ok...I have no idea what I am feeling and it is making me crazy...ok...not crazy but I wish I better understood my emotions.

With my online guy we talked about intimacy and sex...mostly I was the one doing it...I needed to process what it 'could be' not what it was in my marriage. It became 'palatable' to me. At the time we were talking it all seemed to blur together...sex...intimacy...love...caring...listening...thinking of lying with someone sharing your inner most secrets while sharing your bodies and everything that is sacred between the two of you...it seemed such a wonderful fantasy. Granted you need to be married to do all that but I think you know what I mean. Both of you trying to please the other and feeling joy because the other is happy and feeling loved. It was a very different experience for me..yet I know it was also fantasy because we were not married and we were not even in the same town. sigh...

Then I went out with my 'make out' guy and tried to figure out what I was feeling when I was kissing, etc. I tried to figure out if I was 'sinning' and I needed to repent. I tried to figure out why there was no guilt. I wondered why I loved 'kissing and hugging' yet it was giving me no desire to have sex. It was not arousing feelings that I needed to control or stop. So does that make it bad? I wondered what I would think (ok..I didn't wonder very long) if my children were doing the same thing. But it just seems too different. I realize 'the law of chastity' applies to everyone..but there must be something about 'arousal'. If I am not 'arousing' feelings and desires to have sex it is bad? Is it because I was married for so long and would have sex and other serious intimate experiences and then get up the next morning and go to church? Therefore it was not the same thing as teenagers arousing feelings they have never experienced?

One night when I was with my 'make out' guy he was laying across my lap and I had my arms around him. We weren't doing anything wrong...and as I felt him relax I just felt this connection to him...realizing that intimacy was 'nice'. I know that might sound weird...but it is the only way I can think of to describe it. The other weird thing is that I can do it for hours...literally hours and not be aroused or desire to have sex. It just feels so nice to 'feel'. So maybe that is what it is...feeling...feeling that someone cares about me...feeling that someone wants to love me and make me happy. Feeling that connection to another human being. I asked him if it is different for him to be with me and he said yes. I asked him why and he talked about feeling that I cared about him without judging...that I wanted to 'please him' I ask him what he likes...what feels good...that I want him to be happy. It is sad that it is such a 'new' experience for him also. It makes me wonder how few 'stable' people are wandering the earth.

So then I go out with another guy...he does the very 'chaste' kiss at the end of our dates and a quick hug. It almost makes me feel like a slut because I think of all the things I would like to be doing with him. Then I start to wonder if I am a sex addict. He is telling me how respectful he is of women and I am wondering how it would feel to have his arms around me and kiss me deeply. Sigh...

To make it worse...then I want to go see my 'make out' guy. I have new insight to those girls that would date several different boys...but I am hoping it is different for me because I am not telling them I love them. I don't know if I am leading them on or not...I don't know where I am going so I don't see how I can be leading them anywhere...

Then I think back to when I got a dog...my counselor friend was telling me that it wasn't fair to the dog to have him be my 'emotional blanket' and then just stick him in a crate when I had other things to do. Is that what I am doing to my 'make out' guy? I have been honest...after our last date I told him that I obviously had some intimacy issues. I told him that all I wanted to do when I was with him was to make out...I just want to kiss and touch and be kissed and touched. I can't think of anything else. The desire to 'do that' is so overwhelming I can't focus on anything else. So what the heck is that supposed to mean? Are we just showing affection to each other? Are we just letting each other know that someone cares? We are keeping clothes on and not touching private parts of each others' bodies...so does that still make it wrong or are we just helping the other to be happy?

I think about why I don't sense or feel any 'red flags' and I wonder if part of my 'feeling broken' is also feeling violated. I feel like everything has been done to my body so what does it matter if something similar is done and I actually enjoy it?

My online guy tells me I need to 'grab life by the horns' and once I leave my past behind I will be able to commit and love someone. I don't know if I agree with that or not. I wonder if my 'making out' counts as 'grabbing life by the horns'?  What do you think?

I think I would be a fool to commit to someone right now. I need time to figure out my feelings and emotions. I need to be able to think and process how my body is reacting and what my heart needs. Sometimes I wonder how much I am enjoying it...and how much is just 'feeling' a strong sensation and I am drawn to the feeling because it is new?

So...yeah...I am still seeing my counselor...I would really like to figure all this stuff out...sigh...

Maybe I need to go 'make out' for a few hours to clear my head...ha ha ha...sigh...

I went on a 'real' date....

Met a new guy. He messaged me online and his first message was actually a complete paragraph!

He talked about movies and other things..we messaged back and forth a couple of times and then he asked me out (he is local). Man was that weird! I can't remember the last time I just kind of met someone and then went out. I realized that I knew almost nothing about him...we had dinner and saw a movie and it was nice. We chatted about all kinds of things..family, interests, growing up, jobs, etc. I was proud of myself for being able to hold a decent conversation and not be all neurotic and weird. I feel like he is someone I could be interested in and we went out again last night.

So this is what I think...online relationships are very different than your standard generic 'meet someone and let's go out and try and get to know each other'. With my online guy..when I finally met him he knew pretty much every skeleton in my closet...and he didn't care...he still liked me...so there was a different anxiety when we met. I wondered how much of what I imagined him to be was real and how much was fantasy. I wondered if my connection to him was based on what I perceived him to be and I worried he would not be able to live up to what I hoped he would be (who can live up to a fantasy?). With the second guy I went out with it was a little different...we knew the basics about our past relationships and I had an idea of what he was like. He didn't know about all my issues but we both knew enough to know that we both had some. With the man I just went out with? I almost feel like I know 'nothing' and it is kind of weird. I don't know what happened in his first marriage...I don't know how active he is (he joined the church about 10 years ago) and he is a little shy. He hasn't really talked about his feelings about church or past relationships...so parts of getting to know him are much slower...and other parts are much faster. I guess it is just different.

Here is a weird side note...I feel like I can't make a decision when I am with the newest man I am dating. He has asked different times where I would like to go to eat or what I would like to eat and I feel like I can't make a decision. I was thinking about it on the way home...he was trying to be nice and ask me where I wanted to go and I seriously could not decide. I think maybe it is because I don't know him well enough...I am such a 'pleaser' that I want to know the parameters that exist and what he likes before I can make a decision...I want to make sure it is something that he likes. How weird is that?

I will say that the man I just met is easy to talk to. I am able to enjoy his company and I want to get to know him better. I guess it is true what they say...you need to be careful about getting 'physical' too fast. It is certainly a different experience to get to know someone 'in person' first. Sigh...who would have ever dreamed 6 months ago that I would have 3 men interested in me?  Yeah I know...pick up your jaw off the floor...

Then there is the intimacy issue...my latest man is very much a gentleman...opens doors...the first time he called me he said that he wasn't comfortable talking with a woman he didn't know after 10pm at night. Wow that was weird....so we have been out twice...and I have shared a couple of innocent kisses good bye and that is it. Man is that different from my 'make out' guy that went from our first date to kissing during the movie to long periods of kissing...sigh...I still am not sure how I feel about intimacy.

Still surviving....my inner child is preparing for a mature relationship...

I am still dating this other man...not my online guy...he lives too far away...

He wants to make some type of commitment and I don't. I feel like I really need to explore my feelings and being in a committed relationship isn't going to let that happen. I guess part of it is that I feel that he likes me more than I like him. I have never felt that before. Not that I haven't ever had someone like me before that I wasn't attracted to...I guess I just really haven't ever had any type of emotional connection with a man before...well..not until last summer.

When I think about the man I am dating...I think about how 'on paper' we would be a good match. He has been to college and is taller than me...has a stable job...etc...But I think I want more than that this time. I want there to be some fire! I want there to be some passion and excitement. I want it to be real. I want to be able to disagree and feel that strong emotion and then be able to work it out and feel an even greater sense of love. I want to know that I can be myself and be angry and have crabby moods and I will still be loved. Don't get me wrong..that doesn't mean I will be that way on purpose...but I want to feel that I don't have to hide my emotions. I can be me and still be loved. I want a man that will stand beside me. I think dating is helping me to understand exactly what it should feel like.

I am going through some interesting periods..for awhile I felt that I 'needed' someone so bad. That I had to find the man for me and be with him and it would help me to lighten my load and I would be happier. I would not be alone. I don't feel that way now.

I feel that life with a righteous priesthood holder that cherishes and adores me is better than being alone. But I am also recognizing the impact that 'bringing a man home' would have on my children. Maybe it is important for now for me to just be open to the idea? Maybe I just need to be 'willing' to be in a relationship?

I remember being on a date and we were standing in line to get something to eat. He put his arm around me...and it was the strangest sensation. I felt my body relax and I leaned a little toward him. I suddenly realized how hard it has been for me to stand alone and on my own. I understood at a deeper level how incredible it would be to be able to share that burden. To allow someone into my life that would support me and be there for me, as I would be there for him. How that connection was something that never existed in my marriage. Granted, I am a lot older now and my feelings have changed as far as understanding what a relationship is...I look at other couples and see how 'connected' they are and it is like I can see the path it took them to get there...it is like they have been through some real struggles and come out on top. That is what makes a wonderful relationship. They are truly committed to each other and to their relationship.

I saw the movie "Enough Said" (2013) with Julia Louis-Dreyfus. One of my favorite lines as they are going back and forth trying to figure out if they have a relationship that works..she did some things that hurt him and he tells her..."You didn't protect us" it makes me think that a relationship is a living and breathing thing that must be fed...nourished...and protected.

I think it is something that I am gaining a greater desire for...and it is worth striving for...but I don't think I can commit myself to anything right now. And for now, that is ok :)

This time around I want the real deal...you know?

What is real and what is fantasy? And yes...dating still sucks....

Man I wish I could figure out what I am supposed to be doing and with who....

Ok...my online guy is still far away...the practicality of a relationship is slim. But dang it! Anytime I start thinking of going out with someone else...it just isn't the same...it isn't as deep...I don't feel as connected...I struggle to stay interested...

I have been trying to figure out what I feel and I am not having much luck.

I do realize that my online guy has had a lot of time to connect and create an emotional bond. I know that any new relationship will not be as deep, how can it be? There hasn't been the same time investment...

So...now what do I do? I feel that I love my online guy but I don't know if I like him or not. I don't know if that makes any sense. It is like we dated backwards...when through all the sexual stuff (I had to throw my abuse out there for him to see), then the emotional stuff (how would he handle it and me), and then we talked about if it could work if we got married (moving, etc.), I feel like we really need to just 'date and hang out' and see if there is anything there...I just keep thinking of all the time we have both put into our relationship and how come he keeps 'hanging in there'? I mean, no one can be that bored, right?

Plus I ponder how fair it was to him to have to deal with 'all my crap' and not get much good out of it...and now I realize that as I date...my abuse is not the first thing I have to talk about, nor is it 'in my face'. So...it makes me want to start over with my online guy...but again...he lives too far away...sigh..

I feel that he can 'handle me'. He can help me back off when I get carried away with things. He can 'slow me down' when I am going crazy. I feel a strength when I am around him and when he is 'truly talking to me'. It is this inner power that he has that I don't think has ever come out. He has this incredible potential to be someone special...and I don't think he has had the support to become that person. Of course, I want to help him be that person. I feel that we bring out so many good things in each other...we are a compliment to each other...but I just don't truly know him...

I do realize that a large portion of it is probably fantasy and all in my head..and that can't be healthy. How much of what I 'perceive' him to be is real?  I feel so comfortable talking to him...even if I am annoyed..there is this underlying feeling of security that I haven't experienced before. This sense of, he will always be there. Granted I get annoyed because he won't commit to anything (yes...I am sure that is not good...if he truly was interested in a relationship with me...he would tell me) but even if I 'vent' to him...a day or so later he is back..."Hello"....sigh...

So...I guess I will just keep moving forward and trying to figure out what I am feeling...in the meantime I am trying to 'be there' for my kids and listen to them when they talk. I guess that is at least something...

I am trying to get my mind on other guys...but I can't find one that 'stirs my soul' like him...sigh...maybe I am comparing everyone else to a fantasy...

My inner child is a pubescent punk!

Ok...
I have actually gone out with someone else...and I am bummed that my online guy is so far away. Gotta confess I understand a little more now when a few men I messaged have responded with..."I don't want to get involved with someone that is so far away."  It does kinda suck....then I keep thinking...but what if he is a person that I can be truly happy with?  Isn't it worth trying to find out...to see if it could work...and if so then figure something out?  What?  It sounds like some dream of a child - lacking reality? Like the title of this post...I think I am emotionally a child...

So...

It is kind of weird to be out with someone that wants to 'touch me' 'kiss me' and basically wants to be intimate with me. I guess I have just always shied away from any situation that had the potential for that to happen. I shied away by the clothes I wore, the way I spoke and interacted with boys/men, and basically just emotionally ignored it. That means that I am now dealing with the emotions that most people dealt with when they were in school...hopefully I'll learn a little faster than the kids that are in school.

The advice I receive?  I need to read Elder Holland's talk 'Of Souls, Symbols, and Sacraments'. So, I read the article and ponder...since I was married for so long and became accustomed to showing affection through touching intimately...and not feeling guilty about kissing, etc. Does that mean now it is wrong because I am not married? I am not allowing any touch of private parts. I am not removing clothes, etc...I think about the standards that I would expect my children to uphold and wonder if I am maintaining the same standards..

Does my past give me permission to 'bend' the rules?  Does it make a difference if I have 'already done things' and my past wasn't my fault, so the rules don't apply?

The other part...if the man I am with is a 'good man' and struggling...does showing affection and caring count the same as 'sexual arousal'? A person that has been married is accustomed to receiving attention intimately...so does affection have the same impact or emotion?

Here's the interesting part...what if it is not sexually arousing to me? What if I am just feeling connected to someone in a way I never have before? What if I am realizing that I have been so 'emotionally blind' and now I can feel what others have been feeling all along? What if I am just communicating that someone cares?  Yeah..it makes me sound like some stupid teenage movie...hence the title of this post...

I will say that I am beginning to 'feel' that he is attracted to me and it is not as scary, I am becoming more comfortable with 'sexual energy'. So here is another question...

I have some concerns that I am not 'truly connected' to my emotions (intimacy should be arousing you would think...unless I just don't have the feelings strong enough for the man) then do I run into the potential of getting together with someone and not being able to 'feel'? Someone I think cares for me but I am not able to 'feel' who or what he truly is to me? Will I end up not fully opening up my heart and again in a relationship that is not what I hope?  Not what I want? Does that mean I should 'make out' a lot until I can 'feel'?  Ok that is one of the most stupid things I can think of to do...

My counselor friend made the comment that my messages to her remind her of teenage drama...and we both laughed about hopefully I am on the 'fast track' of emotional development.

Being a teenager sucked when I was a teen...how can I expect to have it any better at my age...sigh...